I couldnt sleep last night, and wanted to write badly in my diary. So got out of bed, ready to type, and Dear Diary was down :( I didnt feel like typing it elsewhere. So just went back to bed.
Im learning a lot about myself right now.
I think most of all, what Im beginning to see is a lot of my thinking about how I have viewed God, and how God works. I have assumed God worked ways, trying to make something of God that wasnt.
Not sure if that makes sense to others, but to me it makes total sense.
A lot of this turmoil rests in my belief structure, my faith. But I guess what Im on a search for right now is how does God really work, undoing all the old stuff in my head, and then being able to see clearly as to where he wants me to go next.
I went to counseling on Friday. I really didnt want to go when the time came, I kinda felt at peace with a lot of things the day prior. But you have to give so much notice to cancel or you end up paying still. So heck! I want my $40 worth of 1 hr chatting.
But the woman did give me a handout. Its about 5 pages. And it covers Religion and therapy and all that. Actually I was quite impressed. Thinking it would be some cheesy gloss over God thing. But it actually was on domestic violence, the church and Therapy.
How a lot of times these things clash, and how the church and therapists havent worked well. Each going against the other, and then bringing a new light to showing all perspectives. How all can work together.
I went thru my past with my H last week, some I wrote, some in my mind. I started to walk myself thru the relationship with the H. From the start. How I met him, our dating, etc.
I really started to disect it.
Why would I do this? Havent I done enough?
Well first it was viewing the relationship thru a different set of eyes. The eyes of the Christian girl that I was that wanted to live for God. That is who I was.
I had been saved for a few years, daily in prayer and devotional time with God. Youth Group, Church, missions trips, outings, youth events.....
Honestly it was a very wonderful time in my life. I had also decided that I wanted to only date a Christian. I had met "boys" heck I was 16 then, back then. I was very involved in church. One guy I dated for a whole WEEK, anyways he called and wanted to know if I had sex. I immediatley gave him the "Nooo, Im a Christian, Im saving that for marriage, I dont do that" and he answered "Ummmm well, uhhhh, thats cool, same with me"
I never heard from him again.
I saved myself a lot of heartache. The guy had told me earlier in the week he believed in God also. And I used to take it as "Hey he believes in God! Wow same track cool!" but saying that can mean so many things. God could be a number of different things to different people. Like the saying goes "Who do you say that I am?" when you speak of God, who is he?
I met my H. I thought he was cute. But it didnt go past there. It was a group of Christian girls out. He and my girlfriend hooked up. She was the one in the group that rarely went to church and had started to have sex.
She got bored with him very quickly so thats how H and I started speaking.
H and I hung out, he went to church youth group with me and all my friends, we all took him places. He was so hyper and spazzy. I can still remember him hanging to the top of my girlfriends car in the Carls Jr parking lot, spitting (Umm drooling?)on her windshield ( oh yeah he did such things)Licking make up off my friends cheeks. Ok Ill stop. :)
He was funny to have around, but relationship wise? Heck No. I couldnt see him being serious, having a deep conversation. And the most important aspect. Being a Christian.
So one night he talked to my girlfriend about being interested in me. And they sat for hours in her car that night at a youth group event. And she came out and said "S, Ive got good news, H is a Christian"
Wow its ironic to think about her involvement in my life regarding my H, Wow, that Ill go into later.
I still wasnt interested in dating him.
I had been in a conservative Baptist Church. H had been going to a Charismatic Vineyard. So we came from 2 different extremes. One week Im wearing a skirt, holding hymnals singing. Next week running in circles to a live band singing "SHOUT" at my Hs youth group. Watching "Laying on of hands" and just kinda standing back, I didnt know what to think of all of it. I didnt think it was bad, it was just different from what I had known.
I remember one time the H came to the Baptist Church with me. And during the music he raised his arms while singing. NOBODY did this there, so I was all like "omgosh" It wasnt that it was bad, it was just different.
I was at youth group one week with the H. They had a live band, guys with long hair playing electric guitar, keyboards, drums. All the worship leaders were young and cool looking at his church. The room was like a nightclub almost type of set up, they met in a converted warehouse.
So they had a prayer night, someone was leaving, Im not sure where to put they were having prayer time. And laying of hands.
The H and and I held hands to pray. I hadnt really ever done anything like that with him, we just hung out.
So here is where MY mind started the fast path to ASSUMPTION.
I began to feel an attraction from that holding hands during prayer, and in my own mind assumed my H to be a strong Christian man.
I had in my own mind what a boyfriend who was a christian would be like, and imposed my fairytale on my H. In my mind he was what God had sent me. This is what God wanted for me.
The reality of it all was, my H was a new baby christian so hes told me. He been in church for one month, Had dated one of the leaders daughters from the church but once they found out he wasnt a christian, well it lasted about a month. He had told me also had groped her once under her shirt. He started going to church there because he still wanted to see her, but said that he started to go for himself and like it.
I had always wanted a boyfriend so badly, its all I dreamed of. In my mind a boyfriend was romantic, treated me gently, held my hand. I didnt want for much, and I wasnt desiring a physical relationship. I ended all of our dates with prayer, wed sit in his truck and Id pray before hed drop me off at home at my curfew time.
One night he laid on the floor watching tv together at my house in the living room. My parents were home. And we were snuggled under a blanket.
That was the night he touched me for the first time, he reached under my shirt, and I froze. I was confused, and I just froze, I didnt enjoy it at all, yet I wasnt able to say No. I was sort of in shock. This guy is a Christian? He knows my stance? And he says he loves me?
He had to leave at midnight and I saw him out the door. I shut it, leaned against the door and cried. I remember just crying and feeling terrible. I prayed to God about it. And next day I confronted H on his actions. He apologized to me and said he wouldnt do it again. That he knew as christians it wasnt appropriate. I guess I felt better about it? That he said he was sorry. And he wouldnt do it again, and I had been taught to forgive.
I was in class at school the next day swapping notes with my girlfriend. The one who told me he was a christian. So I had told her what happened with H. She wrote me back a note that said "Break up with him" I was so insulted by it. Who does she think she is???? Telling me to break up with him! He said he was sorry, it wont happen again. And he loves me. Ahhhh you know when you are 16 you think you know it all right?
From then on there is example after example of behavior like this. Him doing things I find contrary to my beliefs, me feelings guilt and sorrow for partaking in the actions, then after time I start to take part in the same actions.
I did not know how to stand up for myself, to be independent of a guy, I wanted love so bad, I took it how it was.
How can I say that the relationship was formed by God? What was Godly about it?
We read verses like "its better for a man to marry than to burn with lust" thinking that our ultimate goal is marriage here. And the verses on bodies becoming one flesh and not letting any man separated that. And in my own head I felt that since I had joined my body physically with his, I was forever joined in Gods eyes. I do believe in these scriptures, but to apply biblical principals to situations where this wasnt the example is where I went wrong.
More of my "Assumptions" I did a lot of this to myself. A LOT.
Break for now,,,
more later