I miss the way you'd smile when you would talk about something you were passionate about.

I miss the way your smile lit up a room.

I miss the way you said "I love you."

I miss the way you said "Hi, baby!" (I can still hear this in my mind)

I miss how adorable you looked in your corgi onesie.

I miss how you'd brighten up when you thought of something clever.

I miss walking with you and talking about whatever came to mind, or whatever might be bothering you at the time that you wanted to get off your chest.

I miss texting you before I left work every day to see if you needed anything from the grocery store.

I miss coming home to you.

I miss bringing you a coffee flavored protein shake at 11 AM on Sundays because that was your day to stay in bed until you couldn't stand it anymore and I wanted to make sure you had your breakfast (easiest breakfast in bed ever.)

I miss going to the gym with you when we were being good about it because we were trying to take better care of ourselves.

I miss cuddling up with you in bed when we were awake but didn't feel like getting up yet.

I miss the way you'd smirk when you were feeling especially overconfident (I tried to coax this as often as I could.)

I miss the cute way you'd pout when I'd tease you (playfully, of course.)

I miss coming up with really weird drink ideas with you.

I miss the piles of your clothes around our room even though I try to keep things neater.

I miss our cats (I know this isn't 100% you related, but last year when we left for a week we hadn't even made it to the plane before you started saying this. It's also true.)

I miss hearing about the LARP events you'd go to and how excited you were to tell me all about them (even if that game wasn't particularly my flavor.)

I miss hearing you giggling madly behind me when you were hanging out with your friends.

I miss making peanut gallery style comments at you and those friends when I'd overhear something.

I miss our date nights; hibachi/sushi, taking you to the book store following behind you carrying the books you wanted, and a movie at our favorite place.

I miss our check ins every couple months where I'd just take time to ask if there was anything you felt you needed in our relationship.

I miss doing dishes for you while you cooked so you felt like doing the thing you enjoyed without having to worry about the part of it you didn't enjoy.

I miss the way you'd melt when I'd rub your shoulders, neck, and lower back.

I miss the way you'd giggle when I'd hit on you (usually a quick up and down glance with a "mmph" to get a reaction. I meant it every time.)

I miss your lack of clothing organization and never being able to tell what hampers were clean or dirty at any given time (usually in association with being requested to help you find your pants.)

I miss helping you find your pants.

I miss going on adventures with you.

I miss stepping out of my comfort zone with you (I'd never have done white water rafting on my own.)

I miss checking in with you after therapy to see how you were feeling.

I miss feeling like I mattered most to someone.

I miss feeling like I'm building to something more with someone.

I miss talking about our future together.

I miss imagining us getting old together and still being just as weird together as we are now.

I miss talking about you in the present tense not being something I need to actively try to stop myself from doing.

I miss playing games with you.

I miss teasing you with that Josh Strife Hayes "Gamer Girl" video and how legitimately flustered you'd get by it.

I miss specifically healing for you in dungeons in Final Fantasy XIV to show you I didn't actually subscribe to any of the teasing points made in the Gamer Girl video.

I miss watching your mad science in the kitchen.

I miss seeing you go to ridiculous excesses for things to bring to social gatherings.

I miss taking you to our favorite Brazilian steakhouse on the last day of vacations. We were always struggling when we left, but we always looked forward to going back.

I miss going to karaoke with you, and seeing how much more confident you became as a result.

I miss making you feel seen and heard for who you are (and making sure you felt loved for all of it.)

I miss supporting you.

I miss you, and all of this feels like the tip of the iceberg of what I mean when I say that. I've said it and written it and thought it so much that it almost feels like its lost the meaning, and I wanted to put to words the multitudes that storm into my mind when I use those three simple words.

I used to thrive in the silent moments in the dark with my thoughts. I knew if I needed you were never far, and those moments helped me recenter myself. Now these moments haunt me; thoughts of you are all encompassing. I just want to hold you again, to rub your head and tell you things are going to be alright.

Madelaine, when I say "I miss you" my mind gets lost in this blur. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired. I feel like I can't recharge anymore. Like everything that drains me now is just pulling me one step closer to my battery being fully depleted.