Its been just over three months since the fire now. It's weird how unreal so many things still seem. Time is still crawling by at a snail's pace, but it feels like the world around me is zooming by. Nothing feels real, and I hate that I can't really focus on things that mattered to me. The world (or at least the country) is basically on fire and I'm struggling to care like I used to; it feels like it doesn't matter anymore (in a dark way I almost welcome the end of it all).
Day to day is muscle memory at this point. It's auto-pilot. It's like I'm LARPing as myself. It feels like I'm wearing a mask of "Will" and doing the things playing that role entails. My body is going through the motions it knows it's supposed to, but it's like I'm not the one controlling it anymore. I'm struggling to find the motivation to be "Will" anymore; whatever that means.
I still find myself getting blindsided with reminders of Madelaine and the life we shared. I can't see a black cat or a black/white mix cat without tearing up. There's a giant pit I'm staring into where our life once was. I can distract myself sometimes if I focus on what I'm doing hard enough, and even in those times I can feel that abyss just behind me; patiently waiting for my gaze once more. The quiet, dark solitude which once brought comfort and introspection brings dread and sorrow now. I suppose the dread and sorrow could be the introspection I'm accustomed to in these quiet moments.
I'm trying to get back into things I enjoy as I can. I've been playing Final Fantasy XIV again on a new character so I can play with a friend. It has been nice getting back into the game we enjoyed together, but I've had to stop more than once when something reminds me of our time together. Even when nothing reminds me I'll find myself wishing we were still playing together like we used to. It just doesn't feel the same.
The new apartment is two weeks away. I'm looking forward to having my own space again; it feels like a "Will" thing to want/do. More than anything I'm looking forward to having my own bed again, and a room with blackout curtains. I don't think it's going to feel like home for awhile, though, if anything ever really feels like home ever again.
Comments (3)
I get to where you feel at times to when I get into situations in my life that overwhelms or gets me in such funk. Reading your diary today reminds of the feelings I get sometimes. Those moments are no fun at times. You‘re not alone so, anytime YOU feel like it’s the end of the world, write about it and get it out. I have your diary let me know YOU have written something, so I will always know you’ve written something. In the meantime, hang in there. I am praying for you.
Mourning is such a surreal state of being. It's like you want to push the pause button on the world so you can sort through what's happening, but the world just keeps barreling along and will run you over. I hope you find your balance in that chaos.
Right on!