I've decided to start journaling as an outlet for how I've been feeling since the fire a few weeks ago. In the years before I started seeing Madelaine I'd have likely bottled all of this up. I'm finding myself incapable of doing so right now; I'm unsure if this is because I would talk to Madelaine about literally everything, or if this is just too much to try to contain? Likely both.

There are many ways I'm incredibly fortunate considering the circumstances: I have a place to stay after the fire, I have a community of support to help while I try to rebuild my life from square one, and I have a job where I'm not overly worried about the financial aspects of this. Even with all this on my side I've never felt so lost as I do right now.

I've never felt so supported, and I've never felt so incredibly, cripplingly alone. Feeling and being alone has never bothered me like it does right now. I feel guilty for feeling like this right now; so many people have come out to offer support in one way or another. I have people checking up on me regularly to see if there's anything they can do to help. By all accounts I shouldn't feel like I'm alone surrounded with an all encompassing darkness; one of the greatest lights in my life is gone now, and I'm struggling to see the others in this agony.

I know Madelaine wouldn't want me to struggle like this now that she's gone. I want to keep being the person she would come to when she needed support. She supported me just as often, and her absence is something I'm having to face constantly. Every time I see a picture of her smile, every happy memory that comes to mind, every reminder of Madelaine brings with it the fresh realization she's gone. I'll never get to see her smile again. I'll never get to hear her voice excitedly detailing her latest interest again. I don't get to start and end my day with Madelaine anymore. I don't get to spend my life working to make her happy anymore.

It feels like my world stopped that night. I'm trying to move forward. I'm trying to be who Madelaine loved, but I'm struggling to find that person right now.