“Hi, my name is Allimom, I have three dogs and I’m a Dogaholic.”
People in the room surrounded by their multitude of dogs chant together “Hi Allimom”
“It’s been one day since I got my last dog”
“Congratulations!” “good job” and the like echo through the room.
“I got my first dog when I was 13, and it was an immediate addiction.”
Whispered comments, “so young!” “how could her parents let her?” “lucky girl!” “woof!” filter through the crowd.
“I realized I had a problem when I kept trying to convince my parents to let us have a few more dogs”
Understanding murmurs surround me.
“I hit bottom during the few years I lived out in the country with my aunt. At any given time we had between 3 and 7 dogs.”
Sounds of envy and dogs whining to go outside for a potty break reach a dull roar, and the group moderator thanks me for my confession and announces a 5 minute break. A man the size of a small mountain, with a T-Shirt announcing “Ask Me About My Pomeranian” approaches me.
“Hi Allimom, I’m Butch. I’m one of the founding members of this group and if you don’t have one already I’d be glad to be your sponsor.”
“Um…”
“Oh, if you’re not comfortable with having a toy breed person as your sponsor, I’m sure we could find you a large breed person”
Butch whistles loudly and makes a “come here” motion to a Reba McEntire look-alike across the room.
“Hey Margie, come on over—we’ve got a large breed person here for you!”
I’m not sure if I really like that label…
“Hi Allimom!”
Margie calls out as she bustles over, crowding her way through the sea of people and dogs with a gaggle of German Shepherds, Old English Sheepdogs and a solitary Scottish Deerhound trailing behind her.
“Great confession! You say you currently have three dogs?”
I make noises of agreement while twisting and turning trying to protect my back-side as her dogs sniff at me.
“Well, we will just have to fix that! Let me know when you’re ready and I’ve got a couple Greyhounds and a Mastiff I could set you up with!”
I start backing away, making sounds of protest.
“Umm… I though this was a Dogaholic’s group?”
Butch and Margie exchanged confused glances. Butch speaks,
“Well, yes that we are. We help people realize their love for dogs and help them fill their houses and lives with as many dogs as possible!”
Margie nods her head enthusiastically and continues where Butch left off while I continue to inch away, becoming more and more panicked with each passing moment.
“We pick up dogs off the street and foster them until we find new members for the group to foist… I mean enhance their lives with!”
I’m backing away more quickly now.
“I think I may have the wrong group…”
I make a break for the door at a dead run, and am sure I hear sounds of frustration and disappointment behind me and Butch comment,
“Damn, we lost another one.”