Long days working these hours.
One more day then back to old routine next week. WHEW!
I was away from the kids for about 4 days with the H. Its so refreshing when you are away from your kids like that. When you see them again.
Its like my little boys grew up a little more while I was away from them.
The biggest thing was watching them unload everything for me while my ankle was killing me. They moved some heavy stuff. I didnt think they could manage, but they did. I was so proud of the both of them.
Hey its kinda cool getting a hand around here you know?
But the thing I seem to notice is that Im very peaceful when I come back to them. Once they start their sibling bickering "Hes copying me! Hes bugging me! Stop touching me!" etc etc. I just have this calm tone instead of my Mommy "Knock it off you guys!"
Not saying this soothing tone of mine will last, my limits were tested already today, sigh.
I forgot to write that I got a call about a week ago. Its was T! You go thru life and not see or speak to a person for several years but once you hear them say hello over a phone you know right away whos calling?
Well I knew. T is the woman I worked for. I was a live in Nanny for about 2 yrs, and continued to come over and watch her kids mornings after H and I married, and into my second pregnancy. I quit before my second was born. It was too draining. I drove out at 4;45 am with a baby and being pregnant to be at her place to watch 3 more kids. It was time for me to call it quits.
T loves kids, and especially babies. She watched mine one time with the kids of hers. So its been years since Ive seen her. She is a really cool lady.
H and I actually lived with them a few months when he quit his job. But I couldnt stand walking in the garage and finding her Hubby with a bong, or hearing him yell at the kids. So we quickly moved out.
When I was a Nanny I only had to be there till 11am every day. So I would take off and not return until early AM usually. Weekends I was off at Hs place while we dated. So I wasnt around all the time in their business.
Anyways, we sent eachother christmas cards. And she called me when she got mine. We talked for about an hour. I told her I want to come and visit them so badly. I miss them. So her first thing she says is "YOU know! I think of you every morning when I make the kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!" I laughed, I didnt get why this made her think of me. I mean I did make the kids lunches in the AM and drive them to school, but it made her think of me?
So then she says "YOU KNOW! Thats the one things these kids CONSTANTLY remind me about you! How you made the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the whole wide world. My kids tell me still I dont make them like Sparkler makes them.
I was laughing so hard. I didnt know my sandwiches got such a good rating. Its due to my even spreading of the ingredients. My H makes them really thick with everything dripping out practically. I use enough to coat the bread. Well Someone appreciates some type of food I prepared! HAHA
So it was wild to hear the oldest now has a girlfriend, is driving, a senior, and hes TALLER THAN ME! I so want to see them! He keep telling me when he was little that he wanted to watch kids like I did. He was always good with little ones and babies. Wonder if hes changed? She moved out of town but is a little over an hour away, so I told her I want to come and visit. She was concerned about me seeing her, saying she didnt want me to see how fat she had gotten. :( Awweee. I told her she cant hide from me. She always fluctuated in weight when I was there. She is a attractive blond woman. And she would diet and work out and loose the weight, but go up and down often. So I guess shes gained 50pds more she said. Her being overweight doesnt change how I feel about her and love her. So I told her she better not hide from me.
Well tonight I stopped by the bread store with the kids. Had them carry the bags. Putting them to work as my little men. I know its new and novelty right now, but they feel all special, strong and important having such tasks.
Last night my youngest came in the hallway "Mom would you come lay down with me?" he was watching Flinstones, his brother had already passed out on the floor. I got caught up in something and forgot! Then I remembered and snuggled up on the couch. Wonder how long this will last? Hes my baby. Need to enjoy it all I can.
I was thinking about Daffys entries, 2 of them I have read lately. One him writing about finding women, about what kinda women he meets, his options, and his families talk to him about it. Then today reading about going out with Witch girl and the people staring at them.
Also been thinking about New Years Resolutions and healthy relationships. How I take in what is said to me.
Im a work in progress, as we all are. I think I have learned a lot. And my newest venture is how I internalize what people say to me, or their responses. I tend to take it upon myself. Feel responsible, Feel I need to explain myself, feel I need to make people see my point of view. Try to convice them that Im "OK" if that makes sense. Instead of worrying about me and not how other percieve me. If I know Im ok, then I dont need to prove it to people you know?
I have learned from a book Im reading. Its some therapy called REBT but it has totally helped. To not react with feelings, but to use reasoning. Asking myself questions.
I am finding I use it often now.
Like example. Coworker said a comment in regards to me. It was said loud so I could hear. In a joking yet sarcastic slam of me sense. First off I want to get hurt and upset. Then I want to prove to her shes wrong, etc etc. Wasting way to much energy on one person.
So I said to myself "Sparkler, is what she said about you true?" No I answered.
"Sparkler does everyone else see you that way?" No I said
"Sparkler why do you care what she thinks, is she the boss around here?" No I answered.
Then I reminded myself that this is consistent with how she is. That I am different from her, and that is ok.
And I had to let it slide, not carry bitterness towards her. Cause well what good will it do me?
I did this today also with a friend online, We were chatting, being silly with one another. And then they got offended and clicked offline. My normal reaction would be to want to talk to or contact them. To explain myself, to try and make it right, to FIX IT.
So I once again asked myself "Sparkler? Did you do anything wrong?" No i said.
"Did you try to hurt this person?" No I said.
Do you have to prove yourself to them? No I answered.
I had to realize this person is dealing with their own stuff right now. And thats ok. I dont need to be upset at them or angry either. I can respect there need to pull away. Although I prefer that they not do it so hastily as to not allow some clarity or understanding. But it didnt work that way.
But its ok, I love my friends. And we wont always see things eye to eye.
Anyways, Im outta here