Evening Diary,
11pm
Just sitting here with my tea. Everyones sleeping. Long day.
Started out my day sleeping in a lil. Felt so good.
Kids decided to bring half their bedroom into the living room. Mommy was NOT pleased.
H wanted to go visit his Grandfather on his Dads side today and all his Aunts and Uncles. I said I didnt wanna go, had so much to do, but said hed help me get the stuff done if Id go along with.
I left and went to the gym. It was dead. Sunday is like that.
I was in a wierd mood and brought my book to read this time.
I was feeling quite emotional, and like just quitting gym but kept focused even though I was a lil confused inside.
The book has been a help, just challanging me to look at so many things in a new light. So I place myself in situations and rework them with what I have learned.
For one this whole blame deal. Blaming others for mistreating me or saying things that hurt. Granted it is not ok for people to harm others with words or actions, but I also have a choice in how I recieve what they are saying, and a choice to leave the physical behaviors. Just because someone does something I think is wrong, does NOT mean they will stop doing it. As hard as I may wish, pray, cry, beg for it to be different.
The other part Im learning about is how I view myself. How I place a lot of my worth in other peoples opinions or even my own assumptions of what they think of me. And this whole thing of "IM BAD" the book goes over this, how we tend to view ourselves as "BAD" when we make more decisions. Making a poor decision doesnt make us a BAD PERSON as a hole, just means we made a poor choice, and next time we can do better. Learn from it, and take responsibility for it.
I came home a bit frustrated. I felt out of control. House was a mess, things werent done, bombarded with where with you, why did you take so long. My lil one stepped on glass, one of the kids clothes I had laid out before I left was just totally missing. Tv was blaring Car races, kids were fighting. I flipped it off and and told the kids to go to their rooms and draw or something else. I dont leave the tv on much anymore. I personally DONT like it. Kids sit around and start bugging eachother when its on too long. Rather they go outside or go play in their rooms.
The H moved some stuff I had in the front room, when doing so he broke the bulb in my water fountain I got last CHristmas :(. Thats where the glass came from on the carpet. So I was just very frustrated. Felt like saying to go to family thing without me. I felt like crying. But didnt want to blow up. I went to the kitchen and made my lunch. I sat in the far corner of the table. Just cooling down asking myself "Ok why are you so upset right now?" My response " Because I leave for about 2 hrs and look what happens, I have lost control of my home" I said to myself "Ok is this the end of the world?.... No it isnt" I said to myself.
H came in the hallway as I was getting ready for my shower, after he took the vacuum cause I was cleaning up the glass. He then hugged me and I started to cry. He started to question me, told me he was sorry for sounding snappy, and I told him to shhhh. I didnt want to talk, but the hug will do.
I then headed for the shower. Took a long one to relax some more.
Then left. We took the mountain roads out of town. Its so pretty. Its kinda cool living where I live, people may not appreciate it, I do. :)
Within 2 hrs you have desert, mountains, snow, beaches, take your pick!
Drive 15 min East and you will find roads just like the one Red Hot Chili Peppers are driving down in the video for Scar Tissue. Dirt roads, desert, yucca trees, old mattresses, jack rabbits and tumbleweeds.
I snapped this photo. 30 min away from home and we came upon the snow on the mountains that surround us. We went farther in and got out and the kids got to play with the snow. They enjoyed it. :)
Visited with Hs Dad's side of the family. Then headed back. So now here I am.
Just kinda sitting up doing some reflecting. Later all