I shoulda taken a tylenol before going to bed.
When I cry at times I get a headache. So its surely from my crying last night.
I removed the entries I wrote, just felt better to make them private.
I did call the H back and we spoke for a long time afterwards.
Im still trying to make sense at times.
You know something doesnt feel right? But you have no clue what it is?
Its how I felt.
He will be here once again on the 21st. Not sure when he will leave, prolly day or so after Christmas.
Next job may take him to NY, which means I can fly in there if he is placed there.
Which means that I might possibly see my childhood best friend! But never know, job plans change in a day.
Yeah Im a little better thinking about flying, still a lil nervous, but more willing.
I told H last night "You realize its not that Im opposed to living anywhere else, so please no that isnt the reason. I have no problem of going anywhere with the person Im sharing my life with. Its not about the place, Im sure Id like it, its about you, can I get along with you in that place."
I said that I felt like hes putting pressure on me to move. He said hes not trying to, but the way he talks
"Oh I was with the girls at the office and they said you would love it here, they would take you shopping, they all go to the gym together, its really weird S, people are different here, its like a family."
So these women actually say "Oh I wanna take your wife shopping and to the gym with us?" I just cant picture it, but then again hes been dragged around with the fellas places. Even while they shop for their wives for Christmas.
H knows I love my job also. Its a created job for myself, not one you can just pick up anywhere.
My point was I wanted him to realize its not that Im anti moving with a partner. Im not for moving with him at this time, and I have valid reasons.
He then said this whole plan of "take out a second on the house, use the equity and buy a house here, the rent our house to my Aunt and Uncle" that lil plan freaked me a little and I told him woa woa you arent even living here. He said "I know just dreaming, thinking aloud." I stopped that convo.
Im asking myself right now, what would it take for me to be with him? To feel better about this relationship?
To see him get help for his financial problems and change his impulsive spending habits and irresponsibility.
To see him get some counseling for anger and abusive behavior(I keep hearing how hes not like that and hes done things in the past, I wish hed just start going, to even be able to see his actions of the past and see them for what they are, to really understand what he does, which I dont think hes got it)
Trust- I have lost trust, I dont know what is a lie or truth anymore, and how to get that back either, what to ask of him.
These are big things, but they are truly what I need to see on my end of things.
Later