I wish I wasnt crying.
I didnt do anything but ask!!
Why do I always have to get yelled at for your insecurities?
Why do you think Im afraid to talk to you?
In 2 days I already feel the need to close myself off from you again!
Why cant you just love me?
If something is really hurting you why do you keep it around?
Why? WHY? Fight?
I dont understand
Cant we stop!
Please I dont want this
I want to be happy and be here with my family.
Ive been feeling so wonderful and in love with you and I can already feel the desire of not wanting you around when you get jealous of me.
You get angry and my thoughts or my questions.
I question you so you dont get angry at my actions.
IM NOT PERFECT
YOU ARE UNFAIR
DOUBLE STANDARD
I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE WITH YOU!
But I want to learn again!
STOP GETTING ANGRY AT ME!
I hate it!
Can you just treat me like you would to be treated??? PLEASE!!!!!
When are you going to be my husband and love, protect, and care for me!!
Please dont curse at me, I deserve more respect than that.
I dont like that man.
This entry was written sometime before 1999. I didnt date it. I didnt write a lot of this type of thing on paper, because I was afraid he would find it in the house. I was scared to write my thoughts. I had a small jounral but ended up ripping out the pages and burning them afraid he would see them.
So this is just a few remains of my feelings.
These are feelings that didnt involve Ink, that I didnt write about loving another man. This was me and my husband only.
This goes way back, its nothing new.
12/28/1999 entry below
"I keep telling myself to start writing again. So here it is.
I hate hurting
I just want to be loved.
I feel that I have been through so much lately. I almost lost my marriage. Im so thankful we are still together.
Now Im confused. I have to realize we have a lot of garbage. I want things changed, fixed , resolved.
I come from a way of thinking that goes.....
1. Dont let the sun set on your anger
2. Always live as though each day is your last
I have this man who have given me these talks of spirituality.
I dont give them to him.
Only time I make much mention is in moments of hyprocrisy and judgement.
Ugh Im just lost.
This just feels so overwhelming!
How do I cope now?
I feel like Im in something that I can do nothing about.
My patience is low, as Im so tired of going thru the same things over and over.