"He had a previous partner who mistreated him terribly, and now he has a problem with women as a result. Hes a wonderful man, and that bitch made him get like this."
An abusers bitter tales of emotional destruction by a past wife or girlfriend can have a powerful impact on his current partner. In the most common version of this story, the man recounts how his ex partner broke his heart by cheating on him, perhaps with several different men.
He may describe other wounds he received from a previous partner: She tried to control him, she wouldnt let him have any freedom, she expected him to wait on her hand and foot, she turned their children against him, she even had him "arrested" out of vindictiveness. What he is describing usually are his own behaviors, but he attributes them to the woman so he is the victim. He can gain sympathy from his new partner in this fashion, especially because so many women know what its like to be abused, unfortunately, so they can connect with his distress.
The abusive or controlling man can draw a rich set of excuses from his past relationships. For controlling his currents partners friendships and or accusing her of cheating on him "Its because my ex partner hurt me so badly by cheating on me so many times, and that's why I'm so jealous and cant trust you" He may also throwing temper tantrums or use this as an excuse for having affairs. He can craft an excuse to fit any of his controlling behaviors.
I recommend applying the following principle to assertions that an angry or controlling man makes about past women in his life:
IF ITS AN EXCUSE FOR MISTREATING YOU, ITS A DISTORTION.
A man who was genuinely mistreated in a relationship with a woman would not be using that experience to get away with hurting someone else.
When a client of mine blames a past relationship for his cruel or controlling behavior int he present, I jump in with several questions "Did your ex partner ever say that she felt controlled or intimidated by you?" What was her side of the story? Did you ever put your hands on her in anger? or did she ever get a restraining order?" By the time he has finished providing his answers, I usually can tell what happened. He abused that woman too.
It is fine to commiserate with a man about his bad experience with a previous partner, but the instant he uses her as an excuse to mistreat you, stop believing ANYTHING he tells you about that relationship and instead recognize it as a sign that he has problems relating to women. Track down his ex partner and talk with her as soon as possible, even if you hate her. An abuser can mistreat partner after partner in relationships, each time believing that the problems are all the woman fault and that he is the real victim.
Whether he presents himself as the victim of an ex partner, or of his parents, the abusers aim, though perhaps unconscious, IS TO PLAY ON YOUR COMPASSION, so that HE can avoid dealing with HIS problem.
From "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft