First day back to normal life routine.
I fell asleep around 3am? I forget.
Had planned to get up at 6am and prep for the first day of kids back to school. But hit the snooze button until 7:05am.
My youngest was so happy and cute back at school seeing his friends again.
Today after work I had planned to go the gym, but my ankle is still not fully healed, and I have group, and since I get out of group 5 min before my youngests after school program closes Im always calling it close with picking him up on time. So today Im gonna pick him up before group and take him with. They have childcare, and I might as well use it and not have to worry about rushing to leave. This way I can stay around to talk if I want.
So I will need to get home today and eat, then head to group. Tonight at 7 my mom is coming over, so I can attend the first class. Middle Eastern Dance. I start tonight! Im sure not much will be done first class, just intro stuff. So will be interesting to see what this is like.
I heard something on the radio last week, this is totally unrelated to anything else in this entry, but thought Id pass it along. The radio dude said that they did a study on hair conditioner. And that to really get the full benefits of conditioner you need to have it on your hair for at least 15 MINUTES.
The DJ was saying "Yeah right like that fits into my am get ready routine.
So Ive done my best to leave conditioner in my hair as long as I can in the Am during my shower. Actually in highschool I used to take conditioner, put it in a bottle and add water, and spray it in my hair after I got out of the shower. My sisters always commented how soft my hair was. Maybe need to try that again also. I just dont like the feel of heavy leave in conditioners either.
So umm anyways, I have noticed the difference leaving the conditioner in longer. Try it!
Onto more insightful things. :)
I feel as if Im lacking something Spiritually. Or that I havent understood something somewhere? Its so hard to explain this.
But its like Ok God. I know I prayed to you in my bedroom in highschool, I know I recognized a need for you in my life. It was prompted from a preachers sermon. But it happened on my own. I wasnt at church. Nobody told me DO THIS. It came from myself. I saw the need for Christ in my life, and I prayed and asked him into my life. And since that day, He has been in my life. Despite my confusion, tough times, pain, sin, all of that. I know that He is still there.
I guess its confusing for me as to the church manner. Was it church teaching where I got all confused? Was it of my own creating? Was it of my marriage?
I have lived tithing my 10 percent to the church, giving in service, attending bible studies, witnessing, all of those things the youth pastor at my last church constantly stressed were part of the christian life.
I know that all of these things are not what make you a Christian, but are usually evidence of a change in the heart.
I did get baptized, I dont believe baptism is what makes one saved. I just believe its a commandment, and something we do to symbolize the inward change. Its more of a celebration with fellow believers.
H and I were both baptized the same day.
Since I have started the church recovery group. The pastor went over a "Seared conscience" Where one can do something without feeling bad about it. I know I have been there. It scares me. But then again he didnt say that none of us are without fault or having done this at some point in our lives.
Why do I feel so foreign though? Why do I feel like other christians around me have it more together, have more inner peace. Dont question things like I do, dont have the struggles I do?
Its the whole verse, I forget off my head where it is, But says "I know what is wrong, yet I do what I hate, and not what I know is good"
So its not as if man throughout time is without this struggle. Its in the Bible even. So why do I have such a hard time with myself?
Its like I know the right way to live. Yet trying to place the right way of living according to Gods word, into my circumstances is very tough for me.
Then I wonder what is going on? Why havent things worked for H and I? What am I missing here? Something isnt fitting correctly. And to be honest, I still do not know what is. I feel like Im missing a piece.
I do believe God can mend the brokenhearted and the most painful of situations. So why is mine so hard? What is going wrong here? What is preventing this from occurring?
About 2 mos ago I happened upon a Christian womens website. And the author invited people to write for prayer or spiritual guidance.
I wrote, I felt as if I was reaching out to that Jamaican Lady on TV who does Tarot Cards wanting answers. But sometimes you just want answers, so I wrote and shared my situation truthfully with her.
She wrote me back and said that there was a spirit of "Whoredom" in the relationship with my H and I. That it stemmed from my H, and then came upon me once I entered into the relationship with him.
She wrote out a prayer, told me to go to my H and tell her what she said. There was more detail, and then she said the only hope for our marriage was to pray, that there is power in both of us coming to God over this.
So I did. Many people may find this all freaky, but I truly just wish this whole marriage deal could be made right. So I have grasped at things seeking some source of help.
H recieved the whole thing, he prayed along with me.
But here I am once again, things are not going well. WHY?
I cannot help but blame myself. Be hard on myself.
I have a hard time finding a church home. Its either christians who are so watered down its more of a social gathering, or else its christians who have much legalism surrounding them.
Then its like as if my brain was programmed a certain way. Call it brainwashing. After being in one church for over 10 yrs. Its not that these werent christian people. Cause they were, but something wasnt right. I still cant actually place my finger on it all. But the evidence is clear, with others and their marriages and people all around. A lot of sin and marriages falling apart.
I guess my question is what is going on? Its like inside I feel I should live a different way, but I am not able to do it. Then I feel like a failure, not good enough, like some different outcast in this circle.
What happened to that desire for God I had before the H came into my life, the one that I had before we dated? Maybe it was just a time in my life where I wanted a man in my life, but had never had one, and I had total reliance on God?
I dont know, I just wish it could change, I cant tell you how many times I have prayed, cried out, even sat on my knees on the carpeted steps with people praying after a service.