Watching it for the first time. I know, I know it started in 1997 and it's now 2024.

I do know who some of the cast are, and the basic storyline.

I'm still dealing with some past stuff.

In 1998, I ended things with my ex-fiance. I'd been with him since early 1994. Well, he gave me an ultimatum at a camp, said it was him or my friends. That was 6 weeks before our wedding. Something inside me had enough and said okay, we're done.

Anyway, I digress. When we were living together, he was obsessed with pictures of beautiful women. He had a porn addiction too. So did my ex husband. But ex-fiance was worse. His computer wall paper was always Charisma Carpenter. He had a poster of an half naked woman on his wall. He told me he wanted me to look like her, get thin, tanned and blonde hair.

Well I had the long blonde hair, starting losing weight but could never seem to be enough for him.

I think tonight when I watched the show, I realised something. I wanted to be with someone who thought I was beautiful and had a picture of my on their computer, rather than some photoshopped image of an actress.

Ex husband did have photos of me all the time, which made me feel like he was attracted to me. But I still wasn't enough for him either, he put me down all the time, said I was boring, no fun, and constantly accused me of having affairs. My psychologist said that was projection, it meant HE was the one cheating, not me.

Anyway, now I can watch this show and enjoy it for what it is. I do miss the 90's fashion. It's hilarious how the foreheads of the vampires bulge when they're about to attack.

Since I've been single, I had a poster of Alexander Skasgaard as Eric from True Blood on the back of my bedroom door. The kids thought it was creepy. People asked me why I had the poster, I said, I'm single and I think he's hot.

When I was with ex-fiance and ex-husband, photos of us were my computer wallpaper. Then it was my kids. Now they don't like people taking photos of them. So it was my dog. And now my current dog.

I don't know why, but when I saw the actress for Willow (Buffy) in American Pie, I thought she was ugly. But in Buffy, she's pretty. Was it the make up or the way they portrayed her in American Pie?

Weird to think I'm in my 50's now, and still learning and still healing. That's why I can't be with anyone else, the men I've had in my life have f*cked me over pretty badly. And they have no remorse. They think I'm the villain and they're the victim. Please, they're both on their 3rd marriage now! If that doesn't tell you who the problem is, I don't know what else will.

Of course the men are in their boys club, all friends and sticking up for each other. If I didn't have sons, a brother, a father, I would think all men are lying, cheating bastards.

I realised something. Someone I looked up to and respected so much, he's a liar and a cheat, just the same as them, and no better than them really. Which makes me reluctant to trust anyone else ever again.