I will be talking to my counselor Deb about it on Tuesday. Ever since 2019, I have been on a bad trip with medication hallucinating while awake and having weird dreams while sleeping. The fact is, I did not know from reality to dream during this one hallucinating trip, lol. I can laugh and chuckle about it today now that five years have passed, even though what I experienced is not something to laugh about. Today, because of experiencing hallucinations once before, I am susceptible to hallucinating in the future with other medications I take. Is that a possibility? Tuesday will be here soon enough.
Remembering My First Hallucination
Anyway, I know what I am seeing/hallucinating, is not real, and in the way of the real stuff. It is not something new to me anyway. It is not big and scary like the black balls with fire hitting the hospital building and people were in a hurry to evacuate the building, and fire rescue are coming through the windows to get patients out of the rooms after putting metal railing to hold the beds while moving. Scary moments in time.
Another scary moment is that you are in your bed and the nurses have you in the hallway. Other patients have relatives standing near the doors listening to those who are in the rooms talking to patients while the floor doctors do their morning rounds, and suddenly I see apparitions of dogs, cats, and smaller pets watching me. I have my table of food and drink next to my bed waiting for my room to be ready for me to go again, and the straw of your drink has white, bubbly substance, and you think your being poisoned to death, and you do not want to close your eyes because the apparitions of the animals you see will appear solid. Was I dreaming or hallucinating? Maybe… both… hmm? Yes, both.
In 2019, that week was one strange week of hallucinations and dreams, I do mot remember what was scarier between the two at that time, either. Ativan really did a number on me that distinguishing reality and dream was difficult, and now with that behind me, it is something I will never forget in my lifetime as I do not forget things easily.
Reoccurring Dream
(My dream has stopped when the dream showed that the arms that grabbed belonged to someone I grew up knowing and that person showed themselves to me to show that even though my mother abandoned me, I had people who cared enough to be there for me.) I do not have that dream anymore.
A good example of not forgetting a bad dream is when I am visiting the zoo and my mom is holding my head as we go into a cave-like building to see an animal that likes an orange glow light, and the wall has arms and hands grabbing the children. A pair of arms grab me, and my mother does not ever fight to hold my hand at anytime the arms have grabbed me. I scream and cry, and try to wiggle free of the arms as my mother continues to walk forward and not looking back at me, and I see rounding the corner out of the exit door.