Talked with Mom and got an update on #1. He is taking French this quarter and so far is carrying a B in the class. We are VERY proud of him. Mom says he has shown an instance or two of defiant behavior since getting back up there after Christmas. On each occasion he has apologized to her afterwards. That in itself is a HUGE difference from when he had these episodes with me. They tended to last much longer than they did for my Mom, be much more severe, and I never got an apology. I am so glad that he is in a place where it is able to have better control over his behavior.
#1 also seems so much happier up with my folks than he has with us. This is very depressing for both myself and Hubby, but we can't help but be thankful for the support my folks have been able to give. We are so lucky to have this opportunity to let #1 be in a place where he can succeed. Just in school alone he has made such progress. His grades are OK, some reflect that he is not performing up to his capability. Primarily I am looking at his in school behavior. This is the first year since he started school that he has not been suspended at least a handful of times by this time of the year. I am thrilled beyond words to see this success of his. While I wish we could have found a way for him to have this kind of success at home, I am glad that he is in a place where he can find it.
Every day my concerns and hopes for #1 weigh heavily on my mind. I'm happy for him and where he is right now. I'm concerned about what his future holds. If he decides not to go to Alaska next year, will he be able to find the same success here that he has there? If he does decide to go back to Alaska next year, will he continue to have these successes?
While I want my son at home, I have accepted that this may not be the best place for him. My heart aches that he is away and doing so well with us out of his life. Part of me wants him home and to find the same success here. Another part of me is afraid to have him home in case he can't find those successes here. I want what is best for my son, and if that is for him to be away from me, then I will accept it. I won't like it, but I will accept it. Hubby does not necessarily feel the same way about this. I know he is thrilled that #1 has found a good place to be, but Hubby wants him back home. He has said more than once that he only cares about having him back here with us. I tend to get irritated with him about this. Hubby is not home enough to have to deal with the issues regarding #1. It is very easy for him to say these things, because he does not have to deal with #1 very often.
I have voiced these feelings and opinions before. The people around me have commented that it appears to them that I am shirking my responsibility as a parent. One person suggested to me that I am "throwing my son away". I have not found a way to communicate my feelings successfully to anyone with these opinions. I love my son more than words can convey. I want him here with me and our family. However, I have recognized that I may not be what he needs. Is this my fault? Are there things I can do as a Mother, that I have not done in the past to make things better for him? Is there something about my parenting that is causing these problems for him? I don't know. I think I am too close to the subject to be truly objective about it.
I have no doubt that there are people out there that look at our situation and blame Hubby and I for creating it. I do know that there are people out there that believe that I or we are not good parents.
I find it ironic that when there are problems with kids, one of the first things you hear are implications against the mother. It must be a bad mother that causes/lets these things happen. If a mother works, there are those who blame her for the problems her children have. Why do people not consider that the father may have some contribution towards this? I'm not saying that I believe this. I have just had too many people indicate to me that they believe that I am a bad mother. Whether it is the exact words, or snide comments of that nature, I have been told it for so many years that on some level I have started to believe it. I have even had one person outright tell me that because all three of my children are ADHD, it is proof that I am a bad mother.
There are those out in the cyberworld who have communicated with me for (in some cases) years. They believe they know me, and have told me that they do not think this. I have people in the real world who have known me for years and have told me that they do not think this. But it only takes one little comment to plant a seed of doubt.
I suppose many years from know I will be able to look back with 20/20 vision and see the good and bad that I did as a parent. For now though, all I can do is what I believe is the best, and pray that I am right.