I had a wonderfully safe and secure environment for many years. We lived in a neighborhood of friendly people, living next door to my grandparents. For a few years, my aunt (Mom's sis) also lived in this neighborhood with us.
When I was in 3rd grade, about a month before my 9th birthday, my natural father died of a heart attack while at work. While we loved him, our natural father was not around much due to his job and the sports he played in his free time. We seldom saw him during the week, occasionally saw him during the weekends, and on holidays.
Dad was a baseball player, and had been drafted by the Blue Jays, who at that time was a feeder team for the Baltimore Orioles. While at the training camp, he realized that although he loved it, Baseball was not the best way to see him into a successful, long-lasting life. He quit the team and joined the Army. This was about at the start of the Korean War.
While I'm not sure as to what his "official" career field was with the Army, I do know that once his skills as a ball player were discovered, he spent the remainder of his Army career on the Army's baseball team in Germany (this is how it has been told to me by my Mom).
Dad left the Army and came back to Portland Oregon, entering college at Portland State University. After disputing with the school about his short lived baseball career, and letters proving that he had never actually been paid as a professional ball player, he joined the team and I believe also received a Baseball scholarship. While playing for Portland State, he became the Babe Ruth of his team, and was something of a school sports hero.
Eventually Dad graduated with a BS in Geology. From here he went to work at the local NBC station, eventually making it up to a news director position. I can remember as a child watching the credits roll after the news just to see Dad's name. I had forgotten this memory until years later at the end of "The Muppet Movie", Fozzy Bear asks Kermit if anyone reads the credits. Kermit's response was to the effect of "Why yes! After all, these people have family." From that day on I have made an effort to watch at least some of the credits to various movies and television shows.
After Dad's death, Mom re-married to my current Dad. This man was much more present in our lives. Family camping trips and weekend trips to the beach became a somewhat regular part of our lives. Suddenly, our lives consisted of someone other than Mom, Grandma or Grandpa.
Looking back on this time, I can recognize the fact that I was something of a horrible child. I had a great deal of resentment that this man would dare try to replace the father I loved. I was quite the brat to him for many years. As a parent now, I can really appreciate him coming into the life of a young widow and her children and taking us all on as his own family. The child who loved her father very much, still feels resentment. The adult I have become sends that child to her room to think it over.
A few years after all this happened, we moved about 150 miles away. We continued to come back on occasional visits to the family. About 6 months after making this move, my Grandpa became sick. His illness brought about another move back down to be close to the family. Grandpa died of lung cancer when I was in 9th grade, about 14 years old.
I don't know if it was because I was older, or if it was due to my being closer to my Grandpa, or the combination of the two, but his death affected me so much more than the death of my Dad. For many years following that I kind of shut down emotionally. As needed I would display emotions appropriate to the situation, but I never actually felt those emotions. I was very much afraid to be close to anyone for the fear that I would lose them too. I suppose it was a defense mechanism, if I didn't care for them, they wouldn't die. It took me almost 10 years to completely rid myself of this and learn to let people in and feel the emotions that go along with relationships.
I still feel myself trying to fall back into that pattern when traumatic events happen. Sometimes I back slide, other times I mentally give myself a wake up call and fight it. It makes it difficult at times to successfully function with some family members, but I seem to be getting a better handle on it all the time.