I continue to be out of sorts today. I'm restless, but languid at the same time, I want something but I don't know what it is. I find myself wandering through the house looking for something, but I don't know what I'm looking for.
There are a half a dozen things I need to be doing right now, but can't seem to bring myself to do them. Fortunately for me none of them are urgent. Well, except perhaps my school work. I have a paper on a movie I need to write and I need to get another John Woo movie to watch (I can't decide between Face Off and Broken Arrow). I have a couple chapters to re-skim over and some homework to put the finishing touches on for my computer class.
Part of me wonders if this funk I'm in is because I don't really feel like I'm contributing to my family. While part of me has enjoyed the almost 4 years I've been home and not working, a bigger part of me desperately misses working. I miss knowing I'm bringing in an income to help my family. I miss working with, and having adults to talk to all day long. I miss having a reason to get out of the house every day that does not involve doctor, dentist or therapy appointments, or one of the kids being in trouble. I miss feeling like I have a purpose.
Don't get me wrong, being a mom and wife does have a purpose. I just don't know that I'm really suited (and some may argue qualified) to be those things full time. I'm a casual housekeeper at best. It isn't that I don't know how, I just don't wnat to. I'm just not the kind of person who can get excited about cleaning toilets, vacuuming and dusting, and cleaning an oven. Oh, I keep the house mostly picked up, and I run laundry on a semi-regular basis, but my house could definitely use a deep cleaning. I try to be a good mom to the kids. #3 never needs help with his homework, and #1 and #2 don't want help with theirs. When there are injuries, physical or psychological I give comfort the few times the kids allow me to do so, but most of the time they keep to themselves. As far as being a mom goes, I'm reduced to being a short order cook and maid.
OK, enough wallowing in self pity for the day. Maybe I can rouse myself out of this lethargy by baking some cookies. I just need to find the give a damn to do so.
There are a half a dozen things I need to be doing right now, but can't seem to bring myself to do them. Fortunately for me none of them are urgent. Well, except perhaps my school work. I have a paper on a movie I need to write and I need to get another John Woo movie to watch (I can't decide between Face Off and Broken Arrow). I have a couple chapters to re-skim over and some homework to put the finishing touches on for my computer class.
Part of me wonders if this funk I'm in is because I don't really feel like I'm contributing to my family. While part of me has enjoyed the almost 4 years I've been home and not working, a bigger part of me desperately misses working. I miss knowing I'm bringing in an income to help my family. I miss working with, and having adults to talk to all day long. I miss having a reason to get out of the house every day that does not involve doctor, dentist or therapy appointments, or one of the kids being in trouble. I miss feeling like I have a purpose.
Don't get me wrong, being a mom and wife does have a purpose. I just don't know that I'm really suited (and some may argue qualified) to be those things full time. I'm a casual housekeeper at best. It isn't that I don't know how, I just don't wnat to. I'm just not the kind of person who can get excited about cleaning toilets, vacuuming and dusting, and cleaning an oven. Oh, I keep the house mostly picked up, and I run laundry on a semi-regular basis, but my house could definitely use a deep cleaning. I try to be a good mom to the kids. #3 never needs help with his homework, and #1 and #2 don't want help with theirs. When there are injuries, physical or psychological I give comfort the few times the kids allow me to do so, but most of the time they keep to themselves. As far as being a mom goes, I'm reduced to being a short order cook and maid.
OK, enough wallowing in self pity for the day. Maybe I can rouse myself out of this lethargy by baking some cookies. I just need to find the give a damn to do so.