The date with Kuni I mentioned in my last entry went fairly well, but he didn’t text me back afterwards. So, I guess it didn’t go as well for him lol. But, that was several weeks ago, so I’m ok with it now.
I recently went out with a guy named Teddy this past Sunday. We went to Glenstone museum and it was actually an awesome time. I’d say it was in the top 2 first dates I’ve ever been on. I thought it went well, but unfortunately on Monday he texted and said he didn’t feel the “click”. So that’s over. I’m still pretty bummed about it.
I just turned on Netflix and looks like Namyr changed his password so I can’t use his account. I knew he eventually would, but it just brings all the sadness back up. I kind of don’t think he was ever really over his ex-wife to begin with. Otherwise why wouldn’t he have changed his password on accounts that she would have access to. He definitely could have done more to prevent her from finding my phone number and contact info. I think he actually wanted her to find out about me. It is really painful to be lied to like that. He went to great lengths to prove that he had never filed for marriage in PR knowing full well that he still had a wedding ceremony and was living as a married couple with her for years. He was basically married…. And it actually hurts that he changed his netflix password already because I was using it. But he left all his passwords the same for his ex-wife for over a year, even when it was causing problems between the two of us.
This could be my negativity talking, but I’m looking back on a lot of my relationships and I’m starting to think that most of the people I was with never actually loved me. I am seeing how so many of the people that I dated used me to fill up their own personal or emotional needs and dropped me when I wasn’t useful for them anymore. Including Dennis. It’s been a long time since anyone has actually cared about me. I feel so fucking lonely. So fucking lonely every single day. I actually can’t stand it. It is more than I can bear. But, there’s nothing I can do about it. Days keep coming and coming and coming. Even if I had a thousand years to work on it, I couldn’t make anyone love me. To me, my life is not worth living alone. I’m just barely getting by, mentally and emotionally. I’ve really been trying to repeat positive phrases in my head and think positively… but it’s not working today. I don’t even feel relieved thinking about committing suicide. Very few people would even notice or care. At least I wouldn’t hurt anymore. I just want to be cared about. I want someone to notice when I’m sad or “just a little off”. I want someone to want to hear what I have to say. I guess I always thought I was good enough to be in a relationship with someone. I feel like I’d be a better partner than so many other people out there already in relationships. And yet… it’s not happening for me. I feel gypped. I feel like life has dicked me over. I feel like I’ve been through so many shitty dates and sacrificed so much of myself mentally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually over 15+ years to try to find love and I’ve come away with nothing. I’ve come away just broken and spent and exhausted…. I feel like I’ve done more than many people in order to find love and I have nothing to show for it. I feel like a crumpled up piece of newspaper. How do I keep going? And, more importantly, why?