Orange Days

Yesterday I heard from N.  He apparently got some infection from a branch hitting him in the leg and was in the hospital the past few days.  He did not apologize for not responding to my messages for the past 3-4 days.  He just said “by the way…I’ve been sick”.  By the way.  Bullshit by the way.  It still hurts though.  Seems like he’s ready to move on.  Or maybe his ex is with him now.

I wish one of my many many attempts at love would actually work out.  Love is really all I want out of life.  Nothing else matters to me.  I just want to be loved by someone.  That’s all I’ve ever cared about.

Just finished watching Orange Days (hence the name of this post).  I love watching these dramas, but they do make me so sad and disappointed in my own love experiences.  I know reality is not like these dramas, but I also know more people in relationships or married than single people.  So, I know that love comes to most people.  I’m just wondering “why not me?”.  With every passing year, it seems less and less likely and people who keep advising me to not settle and to keep looking because “the right person is out there for you somewhere” just sound more and more deluded.  I think if I’m not going to spend the rest of my life alone, I will have to settle at this point.  Either for someone who isn’t as nice as I want, or for someone who isn’t as smart as I want, or for someone who isn’t as handsome as I want.  I think having someone care about me and love me is better than nothing at all!  Even if they’re not exactly what I’m looking for.  I wonder if I can even find that…  I thought N could be someone like that, but he’s checking out.  I can tell. I’m so damn good at reading the signs now.  It’s ridiculous.

I DON’T WANT TO GO ON ANY MORE DATES!!!!!!!!!!! I DON’T WANT TO MEET ANYONE NEW!!!!!!!!! I DON’T WANT TO TAKE THINGS SLOWLY AND SLOWLY GET TO KNOW SOMEONE AND PRETEND THAT I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!!!  I’m tired of pretending to not be a heartbroken, broken, angry, sad person so that men will give me a chance.  I’m tired of being a disappointment.  I’m tired of being disappointed!  I’m so so so so tired of all of it. And yet it’s all that matters in my life.  This is my personal hell.

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