Date Last Night

Went out on a date with Hiep last night.  I didn’t really like him, but it was a fairly enjoyable evening.  I’ve agreed to go out with him again, but I don’t know if I’m going to follow through.  I don’t think he’s the type I could have a relationship with.  Conversations were a little odd for me.  He left long pauses after I stopped talking.  It was weird and uncomfortable.  I don’t know if he was doing it on purpose as a technique to allow me to talk more, or if that’s how he always is.  Either way, it was a turn off.  Also, I don’t like all the words he used when we did Mad Libs – pretty, cute, sexy, boobies, motorboat.  C’mon, are you 10?  Gross.

I’m disappointed, but not as disappointed as the last few times.  I guess that’s what we call “improvement”!

I’ve been listening to positive affirmations videos on youtube.  I notice myself actually repeating the phrases from the videos in my head throughout the day.  I guess that’s what we call “progress”! lol

I’ve been texting with a guy named Kuni for a week or so.  We have a date planned for Friday or Saturday this coming week.  Fingers crossed.

Orange Days

Yesterday I heard from N.  He apparently got some infection from a branch hitting him in the leg and was in the hospital the past few days.  He did not apologize for not responding to my messages for the past 3-4 days.  He just said “by the way…I’ve been sick”.  By the way.  Bullshit by the way.  It still hurts though.  Seems like he’s ready to move on.  Or maybe his ex is with him now.

I wish one of my many many attempts at love would actually work out.  Love is really all I want out of life.  Nothing else matters to me.  I just want to be loved by someone.  That’s all I’ve ever cared about.

Just finished watching Orange Days (hence the name of this post).  I love watching these dramas, but they do make me so sad and disappointed in my own love experiences.  I know reality is not like these dramas, but I also know more people in relationships or married than single people.  So, I know that love comes to most people.  I’m just wondering “why not me?”.  With every passing year, it seems less and less likely and people who keep advising me to not settle and to keep looking because “the right person is out there for you somewhere” just sound more and more deluded.  I think if I’m not going to spend the rest of my life alone, I will have to settle at this point.  Either for someone who isn’t as nice as I want, or for someone who isn’t as smart as I want, or for someone who isn’t as handsome as I want.  I think having someone care about me and love me is better than nothing at all!  Even if they’re not exactly what I’m looking for.  I wonder if I can even find that…  I thought N could be someone like that, but he’s checking out.  I can tell. I’m so damn good at reading the signs now.  It’s ridiculous.

I DON’T WANT TO GO ON ANY MORE DATES!!!!!!!!!!! I DON’T WANT TO MEET ANYONE NEW!!!!!!!!! I DON’T WANT TO TAKE THINGS SLOWLY AND SLOWLY GET TO KNOW SOMEONE AND PRETEND THAT I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!!!  I’m tired of pretending to not be a heartbroken, broken, angry, sad person so that men will give me a chance.  I’m tired of being a disappointment.  I’m tired of being disappointed!  I’m so so so so tired of all of it. And yet it’s all that matters in my life.  This is my personal hell.

I’m done

Date with Brandon tonight.  Was blah.  3rd blah date in a row in 2 weeks.  I’m done.  I’ve tried everything I could and I’m just done.  The universe has made it clear to me now.  I’m not meant to be part of a couple. It’s just over.  It’s never going to happen for me.  I have to figure out how to accept it.

The problem is, I don’t believe life is worth living if I have to spend it being this lonely.

Things are still not clear

Last night, N sent me a text in the middle of the night saying that he missed me a lot and really wanted to see me.  But, we’ve already talked about why we haven’t seen each other – he’s got his daughter with him full-time and he is also in between jobs and doesn’t want to be “that guy”.  But, it’s been over 3 weeks now, I think. And I’m really not sure how I’m supposed to be dealing with this.  Should I be waiting for him?  Or should I just live my life as if there’s no way we could ever get back together?  I am kind of hurt that he hasn’t made some kind of effort to see me even for a little while… I feel like that should be doable even in his current situation.

I took Vyvanse and Trintellix and an adderall today and I still have no energy or motivation.  I just feel so sad..  Sad about N.  And sad that it’s probably not going to work between us anyway, no matter what.  What is most important in love and a lasting relationship?  Compatibility and mutual respect… or a solid friendship base?  N and I don’t have both.  I really like how N treats me, and how he wants to take care of me.  But sometimes he’s overwhelming.  And I don’t think he makes enough of an effort to get to know me as a person.  My likes, dislikes, interests, passions…. And then there’s the big wrench thrown into the machine of his ex wife and daughter and all of the lies.  Logically, it would probably be smart of me to leave him alone forever.  But, a part of my stupid heart thinks he might somehow provide me with a good life anyway.  I would be loved, pretty much unconditionally.  But, even that love feels strange and mysterious and not based upon anything he knows about me.  Maybe this really is a case of lust.  How long will it take for the lust to wear off?  Then I could finally see who he really is.

I did some ebay stuff.  Added listings to posh and mercari as well.  But, i worked in a pretty unenthusiastic way lol

Not looking forward to going into work tomorrow 🙁

Ohhh what will this week bring?  Let’s find out!

Oh yeah, P.S.  I have not been invited to Avery’s wedding, unless my invitation got lost in the mail or online somewhere.  And it’s apparently going to be next month.  Kind of bummed about that… but it makes sense.  We haven’t really hung out in 6 months or so.