Yeah… I’m just lonely. Really lonely today.  I am really struggling to find happiness or even to just be ok. I think the only way I can feel any type of motivation or… anything other than just blah and numb is when I take medication (adderall or vyvanse).  Is that really a life worth living?  I’m ashamed of myself and who I am, I think that’s what it basically comes down to.  I’m not the type of person I want to be.  I don’t look as young anymore and I’m putting on weight and I feel unable to control myself when it comes to food.  I KNOWINGLY overate tonight.  Even though I planned all day to eat only a small dinner, I couldn’t stop myself from eating too much and then having two desserts.  I don’t have self control.  I don’t have motivation.  I don’t have persistence.  I am useless, like a lump.

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