So trying to write on here every day is just way too hard, especially now that I am a mother. I used to stay up late every night as a teenager and write to my hearts content but it’s not the same when you grow up.
I just got through a long weekend. Weekends are hard for me because during the week I am now in treatment for most of the day 5 days a week, and I have a lot of structure there but once I’m home it’s too difficult to keep up on.
I am so grateful for the treatment center! I go to a partial hospitalization program where they intergrate ED patients among other patients that have other health issues like anxiety and depression. For most of the day we all sit in groups together that we call classes that go over different things such as DBT skills, interpersonal effectiveness skills, et cetera, but for ED patients we have a few things that we do differently.
At lunchtime the ED patients sit together and eat with a companion, a staff member that tries to order similar food to ours and keeps watch in case someone has any problems, or ED gets in the way and behaviors creep up. One day I was eating fine but someone started asking me about my Dad whom just passed, and I guess I started slowing down on eating because the companion gently suggested I take a bite, or drink a sip of my pop, to help guide me back to my meal and bring me back to reality. There was a few times where patients got stubborn and started not eating, just refusing, and they had to be reminded about consequences and given choices to make, and I was one of those a few times.
There was one day where I had missed so many meals and snacks over the weekend and I had to drink so many boosts that I was so full by lunchtime I couldn’t eat without possibly involuntarily getting sick, and that earned me more boost later but at least they kind of understood and ever since then my dietician has been very good and sensitive about when and how much to give me.
Today, Monday since I haven’t gotten to sleep yet, our PHP was closed. Last Friday I came home and felt weird and alone and because I didn’t see my dietician during the day I called her, and while I had her on the phone I asked if I could come back in and eat dinner in the dining room, and she agreed as long as I was careful driving in the snow. I used to eat dinner there for support with other patients and that was my first time doing it alone but it was nice, I think I really needed that. I even forgot my phone while hurrying, so it was extra peaceful! I saw my dietician for a few minutes and asked her a few questions and got a new exchanges packet from her, ate my food, read out of a book and after I ate I sat by the fire and planned out my meals and snacks for the rest of the weekend, then I wrote a speech to give in case I had the chance at my friends memorial service the next day, and I even practiced it out loud a little. I was alone in the dining room by then.
Right before I started packing stuff up to leave Dr. O walked by, she’s the lady in charge of the program and though I am not one of her patients I see her every once in a while and she knows everything about me and joins us in these new team meetings we are holding once a month. She’s nice, and strict. She said “hi, you’ve missed a couple of days this week” and I went over to her and said “it was an accident” and thought she’d keep on walking to wherever she had to go but no, she stopped and gave me a chance to explain myself. I appreciated that about her though, really. She asked if I had dinner and I said yes, I just didn’t want to be at home alone, and that I had my friends memorial service in the morning and asked her if it was weird that i came there and she said no, that other patients do similar things, she knows it is a safe place for us there. I do feel safe there.
The rest of the weekend went ok, especially cosidering I did go to my friends memorial and after that I changed my mind and decided to go to my dads house for the last time before they clean it out and sell it. It could have been a much rougher weekend for me, but I made it through. I spent time with my kids, watched movies, slept in, tried to eat well and boosted myself when I had trouble one day, and now the weekend is finally over and I can get back to my more normal days for now. I need that!