Saturday January 18, 2014

Today was a hard day but I got through it. I’m writing this at 1 a.m. on Sunday, 1/19/14. I woke up at Jason’s, because I spent the night there since he had to wake up at 8 for work and I needed extra help waking up to guarentee I wouldn’t miss Jaime’s memorial service.
I went home and was still tired so I set alarms for 10 and slept, then woke up and got ready to go. I went to her service at her church near the apartments where I met her at, and it was beautiful, and very crowded. I had to make my own parking spot up since I got caught by a train and was running late, but rules kind of fly out the wondow during times of grief so I didn’t care.

Mom and Teri saved me a seat, and mom was aggravating me by continously staring at me at different times and she even just kind of patted my leg for no apearant reason, and she just irritated me a lot. I do not like being in a church with her, she doesn’t seem to know how to act appropriately and lacks a lot of social cues. She doesn’t seem to know how to act, and she’ll do things like go in and make the sign of the cross, which is great, if you practice that, and that’s her perogrative but it feels fake and annoying to me. Teri and I just kind of roll our eyes at each other, but today Teri said she got that out of the way before I made it (Thank God for trains!) Teri and mom were also both each sitting on a different side of me and kept talking and checking the time and actibng nervous and anxious about when to leave,.. I attend a treatment center daily for my ED and we are being taught mindfulness and staying in the moment, and I was just wishing they would stop and accept that they were at the memeorial service at that time, not just headed to my Dads house for the last time.
Today was Jaime’s service and also the very last time we were allowed to go step into my Dad’s house since he just died in August. I wasn’t going to go at first, but then I changed my mind. This was the home I grew up in, and I am so tired of saying goodbyes anymore!!! I just want it all to be over. All the deaths. All the pain and grief and worry and hurt. It’s been a tough year.
So I got a few tyhings, like the VHS cabinet, an in table, a couple of shelf things, Teri’s old vanity set and her wedding dress. More crap to store somewhere. I finally figured out how to transport it all and part of that involved leaving a few things at Jason’s parents’ house for now. Steve informed me that he didn’t agree with Emily’s new meds that she just started on 1/16/14, so he chose not to give her her pill in the morning after they spent the night and even suggested I keep my kids alone, not also at Jason’s (they will say things that make no sense to sound like they know what they are talking about). I mean, whether my kids are with me and Jason, or just me, who cares? I still know how the meds are affecting my kid.
So after checking with the pharmicist to make sure they didn’t hurt her by not giving her a dose and that it was ok just to go back to normal by tomorrow, I felt a little better. I know I need to let the counseling agency know too, these people have started stuff with them before too and it’s gotten to where the psychiatrist is a little extra protective of me and my kids, because even without my knowledge of what Jason and or his parents were up to she saw what they were like for herself and knows me and wants to help us. I’m about to drink my second glass of wine and lay down because I’m tired, have no plans tomorrow and the neighbors downstairs are pissing me off so I’ll write more later