‘Stay in Place’ Thanksgiving

We had a ‘Stay in Place’ Thanksgiving meaning it was just Mr T and I. Honestly, I think the kids were relieved simply for the fact that they had one less place to go. My son went hunting, left his wife and toddler here so she went to her sister’s. My daughter went to her fiance’s Mother’s house – ‘they don’t social distance mom – we are just so over it and don’t care anymore’. uh huh. No idea what the step-kids did. They aren’t even responding in the family group text. Lovely SD ruined that one for everyone on their side 😏

My kids said they would call, I received texts instead. Yep – this is called Karma. I know my mother was wishing I would call her more and missed us terribly, but I didn’t call often. I don’t know why – just busy I suppose and because she would always lament and not get off the phone. The last time I spoke to her in a random call she became angry with me for saying ‘Ok mom – have a good day – bye!’ and hanging up. She was so upset she wrote me one of her famous letters where she vents her feelings about things. I had never received one before and when it came in the mail I dreaded opening it. This was 6 months before she died. I called her on her birthday a few months after, then never spoke to her on the phone again….

I miss my Mother and Grandmother – they were constants in my life, always present on holidays. After my Grandmother could no longer make Thanksgiving, I started cooking it every year at my house. We had some huge ones with Mr T and I, including (of all people) Mr T’s ex wife’s parents. That is where I earned my saint badge, a whole other story. Anyhow, I started a new tradition where we would take turns sharing what we are thankful for, the grandbabies were especially cute. One year my Mother went on for her turn to say how grateful she was for her family – except my brother who was sitting right there – baw ha ha haha!!! Oh my we laughed about it for years! I asked him what on earth did he do to make her mad? He didn’t know, he said he thought maybe because he didn’t call her the week before. He called her every week like a good boy. And here I am every few months and she still was thankful for me lol. Yeah ….. that is that. I cannot call her now, opportunity painfully missed.

Ironically, now I understand why she was so mad. A mother gives everything she has for her kids. Each mother is different in what they are capable of giving – we are only human after all. I missed my children and grandchildren so much this year. I missed hearing them saying what they are Thankful for. And they didn’t bother to call to tell me. I suppose they are not thankful for me 😢

I am mad, but only because I am really REALLY sad and hurt about it. I refuse to react like my Mother and will just be hurt and quiet instead. I suppose all these years of traditions do not mean as much to my babies. The funny part is, I was just too busy when I was their age too. I just didn’t get it, and assuming positive intent – it is highly likely they do not get it either. Life is fascinating – the lessons learned while aging. I worry what wisdom I still do not know as I cluelessly bumble my way through my life. 10 years from now what will I look back on and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Well, it won’t be me telling my children I feel angry and hurt 😞 I will get over it shortly

I wish I would have been a better mother. I wish I was a better step-mother (nailed it on failing that role but that is another story). I hate having regrets, would-have, should-have, could-haves… I wish I had better understanding at the time so I would have made better choices. Maybe they didn’t call because I wasn’t the mother they wanted me to be – Oh hell how the poisonous sad and self-mutilating thoughts can spiral. Here I am now, wondering what crappy choice I am making now and what more I can do. Friggin pandemic is yet another damn hurdle 🤬

I understand my Mother now, I understand her letter. I understand her random outbursts at me that drove me away. I miss my mom. There is so much I want to say sorry for, so much I wish we would have talked about. If anyone is reading this, and you have a Mother – please call her. You will dreadfully regret it someday if you don’t

I suppose writing here and throwing my thoughts out into the great empty internet space is like my Mother and her letters….

🍇🍷🙏🏻🍷🍇🍷🙏🏻🍷🍇🍷🙏🏻🍷🍇🍷🙏🏻🍷🍇🍷🙏🏻🍷🍇🍷🙏🏻🍷🍇

So there are perks to having only 2 for Thanksgiving dinner. We still made a meal but just smaller portions. Clean up time was a snap! We have a TON of leftovers yay! And we went on a lovely hike while the turkey was cooking instead of putting energy into cleaning the house and setting the table. I made very adult pies that were delicious. I was a bit lame and took pictures, sent them to my dad and step-mom. Curiously I wanted to post on Facebook – I suppose because I felt so alone IDK. I pause now and query to myself before I post – I ask myself ‘Is this weird and abnormal/ TMI? – How drunk am I?’ Sometimes there is just way too much sharing one can do on Facebook. And in a curious way, I am friends with people I hardly know conversing on social media, distance acquaintances I met maybe once or twice, that know more about me than my children. LOL! What an odd word we live in. I am fairly confident no one gives a rats ass what my plate of food looked like 😂

Well I think I will try to figure out how to post picts here – it is a diary after all – what better place to put them? I used to be pretty good navigating DD over the years, but this word press is a challenge for me.

Well now – Drag and drop seems to work with pictures so that is easy enough. I didn’t get too exciting for the table setting this year. I usually set a grand table. I just grabbed what was on top of my table setting stash and plopped in down right before we ate. Good enough

No tablecloth this year, seriously these place mats are over 20 years old lol!

Adult Pies – Bourbon Pumpkin and Godiva Chocolate Liqueur pies – yes, we will eat it all 😄 They are absolutely delish

My Great Great Grandmother’s heirloom kitchen clock, My Grandmother’s Turkey salt and pepper shakers we used when I was a child. They were on the table of every Thanksgiving I can remember 💖

My step-mom made these for me and mailed in time for Thanksgiving. She is channeling her pandemic boredom energy into embroidery. I truly love her and wish I could be as good as stepmother as she is

And here’s my plate 😂 I seriously had time to make a pretty one this year. Silly perk

It’s a bit sad when there are so few to share with. I think what I miss most of all with the pandemic is sharing 💕

Cheers 🍇🍷🙏🏻🍷🍇

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