I am fine. Doing great! How are you? Are you OK? Great job! I am so proud of you – Do you need anything?

This is what I say to my kids, the Man, friends co-workers etc. Truth is I am not fine, not well at all. Apparently I had a mental breakdown last weekend, cried for about 24 hours. Now I can say I am better -ish

2020 Breakdown: January – calm before the storm, February: Pandemic looming. March: Pandemic, Giant Earthquake, inherit micromanager boss. April: Pandemic on steroids, crashed on my bike causing incessant hip pain to date. May: Officer shooting at the Man’s workplace, on funeral event planning committee, serious girl drama requiring offensive tactics. June: Police Riots, Pandemic, hatred everywhere. July: Forest Fire above the house, Pandemic – Numbers double locally from 20,000 to 40,000 cases. August – My Friend dies from breast cancer, My dog is diagnosed with breast cancer, Pandemic, Family trip including lovely SD who will for the rest of my life grate on every nerve I have, micromanager is now passive aggressive and sending email responses in red (WTH? who does that?!), taking a huge certification test, and what the heck – lets refinance the house! Did I mention the 3rd job interview on Monday? Oh the icing – If I fail this test all of my peers at work will know

Last week: So I traded a co-worker so I could attend my friends funeral, and somehow they managed to schedule me the wrong day to work late which was of course! the day before the big test. I received the the red lettered email from the worst boss I have ever had after she messed up my very first trade request doing a self-CYA by quoting policies about a 2 week notice – are you kidding me?! My bad for not informing my friend she could not die without notice. I have never in my entire career had a manger issue. This one no matter how low I lie and mind my own business she is in my face and it is awful. It is ridiculous this is my biggest stressor. There is a dark side of me that wants to wish her bad vibes, say ugly things, agree with coworker disgruntlement etc – however I cannot. I will not stoop to that behavior. Clearly it is time to move on.

I started cracking on my way to test. Anxiety mounting seriously to the point that I am not sure if I will be able to think clearly. Not like me at all – ever. So I am driving, I seek peace and begin to say my prayers, and this song comes on my stereo. Of note – Prior to this a Def Leppard song was playing and I had paused it mid song for some quiet and then here is this song all of a sudden playing for no physical reason.

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse When the tears come streaming down your face
‘Cause you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
What could it be worse? Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you But high up above or down below
When you are too in love to let it show
Oh but if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

My beautiful Angel does this sometimes – sends me messages I really need. Ever since I can remember I have been blessed with instances of such.

Oh so much I did not mention: My guilt about not reaching out to my friend, so many should-have and could-haves, the attention I give my husband who ignores me and frequently treats me like crap, feeling lost and on the wrong track. And frankly, I feel like I am just a crappy person overall. I certainly can be a better me. I just can’t seem to stay on track with my personal goals/ say and do what I should to help others/ have more patience etc – be a better me. Seriously I should be more selfless and keep my mouth shut more, listen better, be a better friend, just simply try harder – I can go on and on. Anyhow, these words in this song can mean nothing to someone else but it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

Thank you God! why I do not seek your comfort sooner I do not know. Why do I not just let things rest in your hands, have faith, and let you guide me- l hear in my heart I will pass my test just fine and when I sit down to start the test I actually laughed at it! (from behind my mask because there is a freaking pandemic)

So I passed my big test – yay. And then I finally cracked as I drove home and the tears streamed down my face on and off for the next 24 hours. I am pretty sure the Man thinks I am mad. Part of me wonders if I am too – but I feel better. A good cry can be good for the soul too 💕

1 thought on “2020”

  1. Just reading all of this could put anyone under the damn table. Much less living it.

    Just above the crazy… there’s this thin membrane. When you go up and through it, you can see from a different perspective. Things fall along different lines. It’s a free place. Free. It’s just damn hard to get to. But with practice, it becomes easier. And one day… we will live there.

    Live there.

    Screw the pandemic. I’m giving you a hug.

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