Another day in the cycle

Over the last month or so we went to marriage counseling. I am at a loss as to what exactly counseling does. The only thing I got out of it was angrier.

Yes, I am pissed. Pissed as hell. I am angry at my husband:

for treating me so crappy

for him only being nice to me on days he gets sex

for him moving his children into my home

for him never – ever- doing anything that I ask of him

But I am mostly angry at myself that I keep doing this despite nothing getting better. One would think the counseling would provide solutions or something instead of having us just sit there and say what is awful about our marriage for 4 sessions

I could go on and on but those are the basics. Our last lovely interaction was when I asked him to put up the lights. ‘Can you please use the red/white bulbs or the mini lights because I really don’t like how the LED ones are so dull’. I have learned to ask as kindly and sweeetly as possible for things such as this. The everyday things as well: ‘Can you please put up these shelves using this wood?’ He will use another wood and put it up just slapping it on the wall to get it over with. ‘the chair arm is loose – when you get a minute can you tighten them?’ He just simply never does.

It took him approximately 2 weeks to put the lights up but I waited patient and didn’t say a word. Then there was the ‘milk malady’ (long story) and during the arguement I said how he still hadn’t put up the lights. I come home later and the LED lights are up. And only one part of the roof has lights. I am not sure if he just tunes me out, is being passive aggressive. I just don’t know.

I have just learned not to ask him for anything anymore. I just do it myself. I don’t know why I continue the marriage. The counseling at least made me think about all the crap I tuck neatly into the back corner of my mind. When I talk about it I have an overwhelming urge to vomit.  Bottom line is I hate where I am at in my life and I need to do something about it.

I don’t understand why or how it works but we are on an odd weekly cycle. The week starts out good, then then we argue about something. Then I want a divorce, then he refuses to leave when I ask. Then we make up. I think I give in because he starts being nice to me. I am a fool and trust him. But he is just nasty to me again in a few days.

I feel let down over and over. I blame him for my unhappiness, for letting me down, for our marriage ending in disappointment when I was so hopeful 5 years ago and sure we would live happily ever.

Duh – I alone am responsible for my own happiness. I realize I am not being strong enough, loving enough. I am terribly impatient and selfish. Bad bad me. So I pick myself up off my ground of misery, brush off my knees and start again.

I made christmas candy, started cooking nice meals for them etc. I have been planning monthly family outings that have actually turned out well. I stumble here and there but I am determined to be the person I need to be. I mean – seriously: what the hell is wrong with me why I cannot cope with this? Women have been stepmoms for centuries.

My payback is the husband opened christmas presents with his kids when I was gone. I figured it out when I got home.

Ok, whatever. I press on but yes, duh, My feelings are hurt. I try so hard for us to be a normal family and they just slap me down over and over.

His kids left to go see their mom for the next 2 weeks – THANK GOD!!!!!

I am super happy yesterday. Whistling as I complete all the Christmas preparations. I am planning the games for our huge family Christmas Eve party (which is mostly his family btw). He walks in the door from work and starts bitching at me for going to the dollar store for items for the games.

The determined to be patient and understanding me asks ‘what is wrong? did you have a bad day?’ he insists nothing is wrong and proceeds to go on about money (which really isn’t an issue I know)

He goes upstairs and lies on the bed. I am well aware that he is waiting for me to go up there and have sex with him. But guess what – it isn’t a do it day and he isn’t being nice so I continue my activities. He keeps coming downstairs sighing, complaining about random things. I continue to smile and ask what is wrong.

Eventually I go upstairs and sit on the bed with several things to read or discuss with him regarding party activities. He is curiously nice to me about it. So we lie together a bit and he starts sticking his hands down my pants within seconds and I hear ‘NANA!’

LOL!!! Yep my sweet grandbaby is standing in the doorway. My daughter has come to do laundry and she stayed for quite awhile. I had to go to work and boy was the hub sulking and going rotten again.

When I finished work (2 hours later), I returned to the bedroom and began to discuss the things about the party. He suddenly dramatically gets out of bed, throws on his gym shorts and says he is going to the gym since I am not ‘spending time’ (aka having sex)with him. And he starts talking nasty to me again and being mean.

I just sat there and watched him and then he left.

And I realized some very important things:

1. I am nothing but a vagina to him. He is only kind to me if he either a- thinks he is getting sex or b- has recently had sex

2. It is not me that is the terrible person. I honestly can say I am doing the best I can. I sincerely believe that anyone in my shoes would have left years ago. I do have some ugly moments however and am working harder at managing the awful situations better. Apparently God wants me to learn something from all of this -?

3. It isn’t the kids that are the problem. It is how the hub and I interact. Our relationship is shredded. Very likely irrepairable. (is that a word?)

He returned from the gym and hasn’t spoken to me except to ask me if I am still being pissy – which for the record: I never was. I just look at him and say nothing because well, that is what I have learned is best. If I argue everything just goes south.

This morning he tries to kiss me goodbye by angrily pushing the dog out of the way and demanding a kiss. WTH? I don’t know why he would bother. I do not want to kiss him at all.

I choose to be happy and continue doing my thing. I am super bummed because I do not have my grandbabies today. I am also super bummed that I had such a nice day yesterday until the hub came home. I felt normal and happy. Today I am just bummed and disappointed. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I am really REALLY tired of it.

Maybe someday I will get so tired that when he is nice to me I will still ask him to leave, instead of believing his magic fairy dust promise that things will get better. I am reasonably confident he just says all that so he can have sex with me.

Life is lovely. I do believe I somehow managed to pick the wrong box of chocolates.

So sincerely, if the world ends today  – I simply couldn’t care less