3 years on at least a monthly basis. I tell him what it is I need:
For him to say hello to me when I come home
For him to pay positive attention to me when we are not in bed (I say positive because if he does pay attention to me it is to complain about something)
For him to tell me I look pretty occasionally (outside of the bed)
To sometimes do thoughtful things for me to show he cares – and give random examples such as when you go to the kitchen to make yourself a snack ask if I want one too – or even better, just bring me back a snack too etc
To me these are simple things. I have said it as plainly as that to him as we cling to each other in bed. He says ‘I will do anything to make you happy’ and he does these things for maybe a day – the record is 1.5 days. I think he has said hello to me 3 times total in the last 3 years. I know I shouldn’t keep track of this but I can’t help it.
Well, we have gone through this especially so the last year. I look at him in the eyes and I tell him ‘this is very important. I need you to do these things for me. Please understand how important it is’ “I understand” he says ‘I will do anything to make you happy’ The last week or so has been especially bad as I am so very close to saying I give up. I tell him I am close to giving up. I tell him that these things are all I need. I tell him this very clearly. I desperately plead to him through tears begging like a loser.
So we go through this again as yesterday he doesn’t come home on time (yeah, I know – I know) Where are you I ask? ‘I went to a conference with the police chief’ oh, ok. I imagine I am the only wife of anyone there that has no idea her husband is there. That would be becuase he never tells me about his day either. Never has. I always have to ask. I have never understood why he never cares how my day was or wants to share how his was.
Then he comes home and as usual doesn’t acknowledge me. 5 minutes later he comes into my office and asks what I am doing. Apparently that is his way of saying hello. Well I am a boob because A) I had no idea what he was doing and one would think that he would share that the chief chose him to assist him at the conference and B) he didn’t say hello. He apparently is never happy to see me. Never kisses me hello. Hell, doesn’t even talk to me when I come home.
Anyhow, I cry, I booble, I beg him again to plese try to give mewhat I need blah blah blah. I tell him how important it is. I beg him again. And he thinks it is amusing this time. He gets a smirk on his face and pulls down his pants and starts waving his penis at me.
I can only look at him and shake my head. Whatever. So I do my thing and don’t make an issue of it because I realize he is obviously incapable of giving me what I ask considering he hasn’t made any effort to do so in 3 years. I just have to accept that that is the way he is.
And then his son comes home and he says “Hello” to him and hugs him.
I know. I am being a baby. But see, that says it all right there. He is capable. He just chooses not to. He is choosing not to give me what I need. He wants me to divorce him. He was ready for me to say so last week and run for the door with his bags packed.
I am such a fool. He has been driving me to do this for 3 years.
I am such a fool to keep hanging on and trying.
He probably wasn’t even at a conference with the chief. I am so clueless.