I was having a good day until I checked my personal bank account before I left to go buy my husband his birthday present and saw that the balance was $-116. Have you ever been so angry that you can hear the blood roaring in your ears? Feel your heart pound in your head and not stop saying the F bomb?!? That would be me right now.
It is a good thing that over the years I have trained myself not to react, however this is my daughter and well, I unleashed several F bomb texts to her. Best part is I know she won’t pay me back the $286 she owes me. And I have her damn attorney bill coming again to pay. I am cutting her off. I am done with this bullshit.
I have started having nightmares. I never have nightmares so this is odd. The step F%^**&% kids have been gone to their mother’s since the end of June (THANK GOD!!!!) and life has been brilliantly great. However I keep having these nightmares:
Nightmare #1- I am in a house hallway and the Hub is in another room. There is a giant anaconda snake in a bedroom and I yell for the Hub hysterically to help me. But he doesn’t answer. I know he hears me and I am upset he isn’t coming. Then the giant snake starts coming at me, head raised like a cobra and FAST. I scream for the Hub again and he says “What?!?” in annoyance. I reach out and slam the bedroom door and notice with horror that the snake can fit under it so I grab a red solo cup and put it over my hand to protect it, reaching my hand under the door to block the snake by hitting it’s head with my cupped hand – while screaming hysterically for Hub to help. But he doesn’t come to help although it is obvious I am in distress and I am SO fucking pissed. and then I wake up
Nightmare #2- I am in my office and I hear kids voices. Nah, I think to myself, must be the TV. I get up and go downstairs and there is a f%&^ step kid in the kitchen. “What are you doing here?!” I ask. “Dad let me come home because I didn’t want to be at my mom’s anymore” I look at Hub and he is looking at the ground. ‘You let them come home 2 weeks early?!?!?” I can’t say more than that because that would be very wrong wrong wrong and inappropriate so we go upstairs and I say -“how could you?!?! This is my break?!? Why would you not discuss this with me first?!?! Why would you just let them show up out of the blue?!?’ And he pleads with me to understand knowing full well I am SO fucking pissed.
Well now, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the meaning of the first dream. The snake is the step kid problem. The solo cup is my wine. Enough said
Dream number 2 is my fear. Life is so good without them here. No conflict, no resentment. We are a couple again but there is definitely the Pandora box between us that we both know not to open. I am dreading them coming back here
Ok, now I have vented and feel better. I know I sound horrible but I have to get it out somewhere. All my deep dark ugly spilling out.
Now I can go to the gym with a little smile and try not to think how I have no money to buy husbands birthday present. His birthday is in 3 days. What the hell am I going to do? I sure as hell can’t tell husband or use our money for his present. That would be because he doesn’t like my children either, at least he doesn’t when they cause problems like this.
Such is the life of remarriage.
I know this deep inside: We aren’t going to make it through this, are we? I have no idea how on earth we can make it through this