The hurt I felt yesterday continued until this afternoon when DKF started speaking to me again. She gave me the silent treatment and did what was necessary for her job. Her silence hurt me. It may never be the same between us. Now she has an interview somewhere, and knowing this; I don’t want her to leave me. When I misspoke Tuesday afternoon that hurt DKF, I tried to say it right, but the words came out all wrong. She told me how she felt yesterday, and I didn’t mean to, but the damage was done. Now I have this fear that she will leave me and go elsewhere to work – not in the field she is now in – a managerial job. I am still feeling the residual of the hurt she afflicted on me, and I feel bad about what I did to her. For the first time, I feel the discomfort I afflicted on her accidentally rather than anxiety radiating to panic. Now, she is talking to me as the silence was lifted.
I have to heal now. Both DKF and I have to get past what happened, and from there, move forward. She is now talking to me.
I made the biggest mistake that happened yesterday. DKF told me that I hurt her feelings to the point it felt like a slap in the face. I hurt her that badly and the words were not meant in the way I say them. My world, at the moment, has crashed into a crying session because I was told that the confidence in me had been broken. She has been silent after that, and the conversation between us has been only me talking, and she is listening, but not responding unless it is related to her job. It is killing me inside because it hurts. I hurt her that badly and now she is hurting me. I do not dare to say anything, but I want to scream and shout at her to stop. I did apologize to her, sincerely. Maybe she is teaching me a lesson on the hurt. You hurt me, I hurt you scenario just to prove a point. I dislike it when words come out wrong. I spoke without thinking. This hurt in me is all I can think about. Tears have spilled, and I am now crying inside.
As far as my kidney goes, and going for another (second) transplant. I am feeling pressure from family members to go for it because it will give me more freedom as if I didn’t know that. I have been having some anxiety over it and the symptoms are different from the anxiety attacks I have had before my new regime of medication started on September 1, 2020. My left breast feels tight while I do my best at taking deep breaths so my deep breathing would not happen. My deep breathing has yet to be perfected.