Pouring Out My Heart

Life in the Karnopp household is a little chaotic today. I learned that Bing Crosby the Cat hasn’t been eating the food I bought him this month, so DKF went to Dollar General to get the cat food he does like — Purina Cat Chow Indoor Formula. He did eat some, but he is still lying on the kitchen table as if he is having the blahs — depressed. It worries me a little bit, and I have dialysis treatment in the morning for three hours and fifteen minutes. I hope he will be okay in the long run after today in the next couple of days. I have absorbed what has been going on politically and finding the Coronavirus pandemic overwhelming the past couple of days. Dr. A was making his rounds, and when he got to me, I told him what was going on. I had understanding ears, and he said to me that what happened in the recent weeks with the pandemic was something I can not control and that I should not be worrying about it. Also, the upcoming election for the presidency has been such torment on my heart. The President has people who hate him from the beginning of office, and they want him out of office, and not make presidency in November 2020. I have been getting flyers in the mail that says that President Trump is poisoning our water to harm us, persuading me to vote for Biden. I feel that my vote in elections is not counted or thrown away. What one party wants me to do is making me feel that voting is a waste of time. That kind of snail mail I do not need in my mailbox. I want people to leave President Trump alone. It has been a rough four years politically at my end of the airwaves. I had finally had a breakdown on Sunday — the need to cry at 3 PM until Tuesday morning. When I need to cry, it distorts my way of thinking until I talk about it. Sunday afternoon, I did not know or understand why I felt the tears forming in my ears and the need to cry. By Tuesday morning, I told Dr. A what was going on, and he said to me that I need not worry about things I cannot control and concentrate on what I can. We then discussed my monthly lab report, and I have been doing very well with dialysis, and my labs show improvements in phosphorus and other lab tests he looks at are either the same, better or still high but lower from last month. Even though I do not talk about dialysis in my public diary, I do have to admit that on Tuesday, I was not impressed with my weigh-in being at 94.8 kilograms. The clinic does not go by pounds. I use a converter for that when I need/want to. Dr. A told me that my weigh-in was okay because my weigh-out on Saturday was 92.1 kilograms and that I did great with my fluid intake over the weekend. That was a relief to know. Also, the first hour my catheter was being problematic, so Dr. A put an order to use cathflo before and after treatment. Okay, since Tuesday, the need to cry has stopped until I realized that Bing hasn’t been eating. I feel I have been a mean “mommy”, but I believe DKF and I have found the problem and resolved it. I have been watching and catering to Bing’s needs all day long, and he has eaten some of his food we got him this morning at Dollar General. I have had some life lessons this week.

Now, with my heart poured out this evening, I do have to admit that I am feeling a little better. That’s what a diary is for, right? Why not share my thoughts with others to show that I am a human being with feelings like everyone else? Here I am, pouring out my heart. Please, If you believe in the power of prayer, God, or a higher power, pray for/with Bing and me.  It has been a rough beginning of the week in the Karnopp household. I know I will be okay.  I tend to worry, and that is not good on the heart or mind.  Thank you.  Now that I have poured out my heart to others, I can say that I am a human being with feelings, I do not always understand immediately.  I do not get frustrated with God when it comes to an emotional breakdown because it is not his fault nor mine. I cannot blame Adam and Eve for eating the fruit from the tree God told them they should not eat. God’s plans are what they are for a reason, and I am here to share what I do understand when I can. Thank you for listening/reading my diary. I appreciate Dear Diary for being here.

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