Yesterday I called my bad day a “brain loop”. That is what I am calling it from now on when I get fixated on one thing and cannot stop. I have not described a whole lot on my thoughts yesterday because I was pretty tired when I had written my entry. When I get into a fixation, especially when I do not feel 100%, my thoughts are on a rampage of remembering what has happened from the past to present day. This time I remembered my hallucinations while in the hospital and seeing translucent cat and people, people I did not know, a missile in the air by a airhorn that warns people that a tornado has been spotted or they go off once a month for a test, and the President on TV saying that he is in Janesville, Wisconsin taking care of a national emergency. My hallucinations have made my real life a lot more cautious when it comes to strangers and trusting my neighbors entirely. I have found stranger danger one of those very apparent issues I now take seriously without a doubt in my mind. My hallucinations happened when I was in the hospital April 24, 2019. Although none of what happened in my hallucinations, everything that happened seemed so real. While in my hallucination world, I did not know what was really happening to me.
So the idea of my “brain loop” moments, I find it difficult to concentrate on other things to get me away from what is bothering me. I understand, now that I am able to think clearly and concentrate on what I am wanting to do, what I am doing, and plan, that I am able to get my mind off and rely on God when I need to, want to, and go on with my day, but… I am not able to stop the “brain loop” when having major anxiety. I have come to the point, though, to call someone to talk to about what is going on in my head, but I do not rely on God during this time…yet. I find this ‘not relying on God’ horrible as if He cannot be trusted. Why can He not be trusted? There is no reason why He cannot be trusted plus I do not have any excuses why. There are no excuses when it comes to God.