“Brain Loop” Explained A Little Bit

Yesterday I called my bad day a “brain loop”.  That is what I am calling it from now on when I get fixated on one thing and cannot stop.  I have not described a whole lot on my thoughts yesterday because I was pretty tired when I had written my entry.  When I get into a fixation, especially when I do not feel 100%, my thoughts are on a rampage of remembering what has happened from the past to present day.  This time I remembered my hallucinations while in the hospital and seeing translucent cat and people, people I did not know, a missile in the air by a airhorn that warns people that a tornado has been spotted or they go off once a month for a test, and the President on TV saying that he is in Janesville, Wisconsin taking care of a national emergency.  My hallucinations have made my real life a lot more cautious when it comes to strangers and trusting my neighbors entirely. I have found stranger danger one of those very apparent issues I now take seriously without a doubt in my mind. My hallucinations happened when I was in the hospital April 24, 2019.   Although none of what happened in my hallucinations, everything that happened seemed so real.  While in my hallucination world, I did not know what was really happening to me.

So the idea of my “brain loop” moments, I find it difficult to concentrate on other things to get me away from what is bothering me.  I understand, now that I am able to think clearly and concentrate on what I am wanting to do, what I am doing, and plan, that I am able to get my mind off and rely on God when I need to, want to, and go on with my day, but… I am not able to stop the “brain loop” when having major anxiety.  I have come to the point, though, to call someone to talk to about what is going on in my head, but I do not rely on God during this time…yet.  I find this ‘not relying on God’ horrible as if He cannot be trusted.  Why can He not be trusted?  There is no reason why He cannot be trusted plus I do not have any excuses why. There are no excuses when it comes to God.


I had dialysis this morning for 3 ½ hours.  My catheter was not pulling very well or hardly at all.  Learning this, I began to feel the feeling of “brain loop” beginning to happen again.  The thought of not finding a place for another fistula (as my fistula placement in 2016 did not mature like it should have and died within ten months after it was placed), and/or the finding of a place for a graft came to mind.  I kept telling myself “it is not going to happen again today…not today” so I began to ask questions and waiting to see what was going to happen before I left the clinic after having dialysis treatment.  I asked P (male)what the hey were going to put in my catheter.  It was called Cath Flow.  Cath Flow helps catheters get unclogged from any possible blood clots forming in and near the catheter.  When P explained it to me he said, “it is heparin with a drug that works like Drano to get the clots in the catheter.”  No doubt he got me to laugh.  That ended the “brain loop” from coming to the point of forming and scaring me the rest of the day.  I was able to go home with a happy face despite the fact that I was worried about my urine infection.