I Am Hurting Badly

I am not venting.  I am only saying what I need to do.

What I am about to share this morning is going to be tough to talk about…write. No, I am not leaving DD. That I promise I will stay no matter how rough and tough my life gets from this day forward. I have been talking to my mom about what has been happening between Becky and me for the past two months and she knows what happened on Tuesday. I texted my mom last night because I needed some support. She suggested that I just keep to myself and keep my mouth shut by not reacting to what other tenants are saying. This is going to hard to do. I have to concentrate on my health and get well again and continue praying that I can get a second kidney transplant in the future. I did not sleep well last night because noise is continuing of course but there is nothing more I can do except to ignore everyone involved and other neighbors. I have to go back to “trust no one” once again and keep to myself.   I am being gossiped about and it has gone through several of the tenants in the building. RS has changed from nice to real mean since she met her boyfriend, and she has been showing her true colors to me whereas others see the nice side of RS. I know she is upset with me for writing complaints because of ongoing noise after 11 PM – 8 AM when it is supposed to be quiet. I know that the noises are being done deliberately now because it continued last night off and on during quiet hours. Here I am, sitting at home, on my computer writing in my diary with only 5 hours of sleep and maybe only 3 good hours of sleep in those 5 hours. I have been jittery, afraid of the next loud noise or loud sound I hear above/around me. I have become an emotional mess similar to what happened to me 4 ½ years ago now. I have to sit here and take the abuse from above because someone is mad at me for complaining against her and she has gotten in trouble with property management. I heard she has gotten a couple of notices and she has violations against her. I do not feel sorry for her one bit! Now I am gossip among neighbors? Well…they’re not my friends. I am walking away from everyone here except for two to three people.

I have to concentrate on my physical/kidney health and I cannot have anything in the way right now that will set my emotions off in all directions. I need to be stable right now. I need to concentrate on my health, hopefully have a second transplant in my future, and get my happiness back. I will civil to tenants in the hallway and in public areas, but I will NOT step out of my way to be part of a group or gossip anymore. I have things that make me happy and those things are: church, Bible study, talking to my mom online and on the phone, social media, my writing, reading, and new blog. I cannot afford any more upsetting days like the past two months, and I am going to allow tenants to gossip all they want. I have two to three people I can go to who are not gossips. I am not going to be friends with RS any longer.

I Am Hurting Badly II

It still continues despite the complaints I have made.  Knowing that my neighbor, once a friend, is really mad at me, I know what she is doing is being done on purpose.  She has been talked to and told why I did not go to her directly before the complaints were filed by the manager, and yet she is mad at me.  She did not even say a word to me on Tuesday when I was in the community room and another tenant, a friend of hers, told that she is not talking to me is because I wrote those complaints against her and her boyfriend, and her boyfriend is NOT on the lease and has been staying here day and night for the past two months, and this neighbor/friend of hers told me this while in front of three other tenants.  That is what threw me into tears Tuesday before the Christmas potluck I signed up for.  I was so upset that I went to the manager and asked her to please get my pickles back and that I was not going because of such attitudes and I was so upset over it.  The manager did get my pickles back and she did convince me to go back to the party since shew as going.  Yesterday afternoon, early evening, while talking to another tenant I can talk to, told me she heard of the incident by another tenant so I have come to find that gossipers are not friends.  What my neighbor is doing in the apartment right above me has been hurting me so bad that tears and my ongoing replay of the past two months, the complaints, seeing the neighbor’s anger as well as not being talked to, a tenant telling me why my neighbor is mad at me, and then hearing that yet another tenant has talked about the incident Tuesday afternoon will not stop playing over and over again.  Being a Christian and Satan is attacking me big time with what I am weak with – relationships – these past two months have been very emotional, and I have been crying a lot since Tuesday knowing that people who gossip are not your friends.  That is one reason why I am not going to step out of my way to see the tenants in the building any longer except for in passing and an occasional hello, and visit a neighbor who lives next to the community room.  It may sound extreme here but my kidney health does not need to worsen because I am emotionally down, highly anxious, and having some down time because of depression.  What I had to do was not wrong on my part and if my upstairs neighbor still wants to disobey the rules and regulations of living here she is on her own and so are the neighbors I once enjoyed hanging around with including my neighbor above me.  I am going to let her hang herself and get herself kicked out of here or wait patiently for her to move out.

To begin what began two months ago and my nights were being disrupted was one Saturday morning when I met my neighbor’s boyfriend.  Upon meeting him I did not like him from the get go, not because he was going to have a relationship with my neighbor, but he is dirty and looks homeless.  My neighbor met him while running an errand and they met on the street somewhere between here and their meeting spot.  He does not drive but rides a bike that is a girl bike, and he is not at all handsome or looks like anything good to look.  Now, since meeting him I have come to find that he is a liar.  As soon as I met him I felt trouble going to brew for my neighbor and she is going to change her attitude, and since Tuesday, my gut instinct has been 100% correct.  My neighbor is two-faced.  I do not need friends like that at all.  I no longer trust my neighbor above me.

This is what I have venting about for the past two months now.  This is why I am hurting badly and can not stop replaying everything that has been happening lately.  Now, with time almost 7:30 PM Friday evening I am going to take my evening medication, get ready for bed, and get some sleep.  I did not sleep well last night because my heart is aching very badly and I am not happy right now.  I also have church tomorrow, Saturday, and I want to go and plenty of sleep is what I need to function almost 5 hours at church.  We have opening song service, a mission story, Sabbath School, sermon, potluck, and prayer service (in this order).  Going to church Sabbath mornings makes me happy even though I am not very happy outside of my spiritual life right now.  That is why I said Satan is attacking me very good at what I am weak at – relationships.  Thank you for listening to my vents and reading what I have been going through.  God bless!