It’s kind of a new feeling

Is it too lame if I star by saying that the pandemic climate has changed me in some i’d never expected? I know for a fact, know that im not the only one inthis situation, and by far my experience is not much more important that any other, but Im desesperated to get this off my chest.

The first time i’ve experienced a mushroom trip was two weeks ago, and it was amazing when I was on it, the sadness came thru afterwards, when i was looking back to those long 9 hrs, which by the way, felt like days. I realized Im a narcissist, talentless, not much of an interesing persona, the only thing i’ve ever hold on to, is my beauty, the only thing i’ve never left behind me is the fact that i can charm persons into do stuff for me, because of my face and body, AND IM NOT EVE THAT PRETTY. Ever since I was 15 i’ve been told that i was pretty, back then i had a real drama with my social anxiety, I was so shy that if someone talked to me and I didnt knew them I could easily ran away to cry in a corner, that shit was real, but hey one day i realized, it wasnt just my friends, it wasnt just my family members, it was the stranger in the street, the lady in the register machine, the kids in the subway who looked up to me and told me that i was gorgeous, i couldnt say a word to save my life but i could at least LOOK like i was normal, that i was worthy, that i mattered, and then that post hitted me, back in my tumblr feed that phrase appeared “fake it till you make it” and so i did.

Nothing else mattered from there, it was only a face and a body, back then i was much more of an artist than i am now, i used to draw alot, mostly i drew beautiful faces, beautiful bodies, then i became them, then i stoped drawing, started to lean how to do makeup, then i learned how to dress cool, and then one thing led to another, and fast foward 6 years, i became a hair dresser. I love my job, i love me, i love that i make people believe they are beautiful, but now after so many hours spent alone in my room, i’ve realized, that im not as great as i used to think, yes i am beautiful, but what else i’ve got?

All of my accomplishments are from 3 years ago, I havent learnt anything ever since.

Back to the mushroom experience, there was an specific moment in wich i was talking to myself, alone, in my bed, and i remembered “fake it till you make it” and i made it, so i dont have to be faking anymore, so i took off my mask, and now, i have no idea of what i am

2 thoughts on “It’s kind of a new feeling”

  1. This is a lot to process for you! Clarity is good. But sometimes it’s freaking painful too. Good luck with your new explorations of self.

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