Jun 202020

always. back in ’71, looking out the window of our ninth floor apartment, at the age of five, i remember humming along to carole king’s “it’s too late”…

melancholy starts early i guess.

lunch period was reserved for bowie’s low and heroes moss garden. i’d get lost in the color green and fat snowflakes falling at night to the sound of weeping walls…

early college days, i’d walk from E 68th and lexington to 42nd and 8th to catch the last bus up north. i always wondered about the people, the lives behind the lit apartment windows. making my way up the endless escalators, i’d pass the addicts, the hookers, the panhandlers, and wondered if it all stayed the same.

i’d fall asleep on the bus, hit my head on the window, in perpetual emo.. robert smith crooning in my ear, morrissey pleading…

i met him on a bus, he cut english class, i was on my way home after dance class. he sat next to me. i stuffed a sandwich in my mouth. i slept. i hit my head on the window. the bus stopped at the depot in jersey to change drivers and buses. he sat down, i sat down behind him. an hour later he gets up at the bradlees stop and throws a tissue at me…

later on, he said i looked like a chipmunk – eating that sandwich

he purposefully missed his stop and ended up having a 20 min walk to his house.

the tissue was a note – stating he didn’t know why but that he had to get to know me, his phone number scribbled in blue…

“with your long blond hair and your eyes of blue, the only thing i ever got from you was sorrow…”

and the melancholy continues. but minus the great music. i have been playing catch up the last 5 years…

i miss someone i don’t know anymore. she was young, silly. wickedly talented. and innocent.

i miss someone i don’t know anymore . she wore torn bleached tees, had no bank account and holes in her shoes. living on change and carrot sticks.

i miss someone who road-tripped from ny to cali with the love of her life and came back with someone else…broken, tanned, and determined to go to the dentist to cure the pain in her mouth thinking it would fix her soul and her heart crushed to pulp.

i am here. i am now. i am.


there is







 Uncategorized  Comments Off on 85,990…
May 162020

deaths from Covid-19 as of today. how will this government rationalize this in order to win re-election? they will verbally support armed idiots protesting for re-opening their state, city, town, village, cave…

they will divert blame to the past administration by stating that no plan was left for such circumstances such as a pandemic….then have to retract said statement since it is an outright lie that can be proven to be a lie. but still, their “followers” will believe…

they will state that a vaccine will be available by the end of the year…

they will look to blame China…Obama, Biden, the fucken boogey-man if it will help win a re-election…

wtf? America, wake the fuck up and understand that these folk bought stock in medical supplies and pharmaceuticals instead of warning us that the shit was going to hit the fan and lots of people were going to die….

if you are not green, made of paper and can buy stuff…. you are of no significance to the current government administration. wake the fuck up already.

May 092020

spike lee filmed a little short for nyc- a love letter. i have a love-hate relationship with this city… and i’ve come to the conclusion that it really can’t be any other way. i hate the subway, but it’s convenient… i hate the driving, but it limits the bullshit on the subway i’d have to deal with… i’m over the pushiness, the relentless competition, yet, here, you find the cream of the crop, the fighters, the people who fight with each-other one minute and come together when the going gets tough. iconic architecture, landmarks that folks from around the world come to visit… it boasts the most diverse neighborhoods in the world (specifically in Queens)… people show you the worst of humanity and the best. and somehow, it’s all amplified here.

i’ve been back since 2006. most of that living in brooklyn. one year in the bronx. working in manhattan…

7pm every night, people make noise for the essential workers : delivery people, grocery store workers, gas station employees, nurses, doctors, janitors, sanitation, firemen, police, MTA employees, laundromat workers…

in apartment windows hang thank you notes and rainbow drawings from the kids…

bowie settled here. so did lennon.

i’ll get up tomorrow cursing the loud music that played way too long into the night. i’ll get up and feed the cats, shower and eat breakfast. regret reading the news and seeing a climb in numbers of the dead for the city and nation and shake my head in disbelief at what the orange buffoon has recently said and/or done. i’ll put my coat on cause it’s still freakin’ cold and lock my apt door (both locks). i’ll head down 3 flights, hit the bodega downstairs for a bottle of seltzer and head to my car. i’ll blast dexy’s midnight runners “come on eileen” and beastie boys “no sleep til brooklyn” while i’m cursing the speeders and cutters and head to the bridge. admire the most beautiful bridge in the world, and then curse the asshole who cut me off getting on the exit lane… i’ll head up the fdr and drive in the middle lane and watch as they speed past me on the right and left. park the car and head to work. come back in the dead of night, when all is quiet cause it’s a school night. i’ll look up at the full moon, the beautiful cherry blossoms under the night sky. i’ll head to the apt building, up 3 flights, say hello to the cats and realize… i am home. this is home with all its contradictions and complexities. this is home.

Apr 242020

markup for surgical masks… why? why is there so much greed out there? folks stocking up on supplies they really don’t need tons of. i am provided an N95 mask from work that can only be used at work, so i am required to leave it in my locker. i need a mask to walk in and out of work. i can’t find any surgical masks that are reasonably priced without waiting for 3-5 week delivery.

i just don’t get it. can’t find hand sanitizer or swiffer wet wipes to mop the floor. thank god the stores are now limiting quantities for purchase of tp, cleaning supplies, paper towels, bread, milk, and water.

someone somewhere has 200 rolls of tp, 100 rolls of papertowels, 2 gallons of hand sanitizer, 1000 surgical masks, but isn’t leaving their home or apt for fear of getting covid-19. to you i say “douchy move”.

in other news, i’m dog tired. had 2 doc appts that were canceled for obvious reasons but that still need to happen eventually. hopefully before the end of this year.

been watching carpool karaoke. the episode with chris martin (lead singer of coldplay) was so wonderful. he really seems like a sweet man and his voice is really strong. i’ve since been on a coldplay listening kick. my amazon music unlimited will expire soon but i’ll get my fill until then. at one point, i really thought, naively, that coldplay was trying to be another radiohead. not true at all. i realize this now. radiohead’s “a moon shaped pool” is just so freakin’ great…god- irish, english – best music, writers, actors. some really wonderful scottish actors as well. i want to go back and visit more of england, ireland, and scotland…. want to visit the Bodleian library, stonehenge, edinburgh, sylvia plath’s grave…travel down the west coast of ireland..

i blame this on the discovery of witches series. read the books, watched the first season. awaiting the second season to begin. wonderful series. waiting to hear about high fidelity tv series on hulu.. another well made tv program. loved the movie as well. big john cusack fan…and jack black.

so what next? at this point, it’s one day at a time. tomorrow really isn’t guaranteed. today, did some CE online, had a fabulous breakfast, downloaded some e-books from nypl, cleaned one of the cats ears, and napped. i’m okay with this.

ciao for now.

Apr 092020

so this year, i had been planning and actually booked three lodgings: in padua, verona and ravenna, and would end up in venice. but, after much thought, back in january i realized that it wouldn’t be a good idea financially, especially since i wasn’t sure if i’d still be working at the hospital (got a master’s in library science so i’ve got two careers!). so, i canceled the bookings right before the shitshow that is covid-19 hit the states. i really hope to go next year. but i’m pretty sad about it.

finally off for three days from work. not only are we dealing with masks at all time, but i also had to man the isolation ward. lots of call outs, some very sick folk, some show no signs but are positive, most are fearful but the majority of docs and support staff show up and do the best they can for people who continue to come with emergencies, appointments, and scheduled procedures.

i’ve given up on the subway. that is another shit-show on so many levels but a way longer commute home sealed the deal to buy parking and drive to work. i’ll be participating in the brooklyn parking search & hope fiasco every night but it’s worth it time/mental health-wise. i seriously am having a love/hate relationship with this dear pain in the ass city.

i was born here. have lived in brooklyn, manhattan, and the bronx. went to college here. moved away for 6 years, came back and will probably retire here. if not here, i really want it to be somewhere in europe so i can visit all the places i missed. i can’t see myself moving south or west.

all in all, i can not really complain at this point. got a job, a roof i can afford, and access to food/entertainment etc. pretty damned lucky. some folks are kind of upset that we are an “essential” business but seriously, the amount of folks applying for unemployment benefits is crazy… if i get that stimulus check.. it’s going into an emergency fund for the cats. those lazy bums are sleeping as i write this.