in less…

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Apr 102014
 

and the days feel a lot more real. once here, then gone, you can picture his nodding in and out, pain numbed with IV meds, legs swollen, and that face same as ever wearing a full beard…

not enough time, and then too much, we all filed in knowing it was to say goodbye. he knew it. and what must he have thought? all these people kissing him, hugging him, bringing him plush toys and rice pudding?

my kiss said I was sorry, all is forgiven.
we are good.
~~~

picture the next…
needles in the neck, gooey cold gel on her skin… a long weeks wait and then the news in numbers…what does the fucken percent really mean? and will I be able to put on a good face for Mom’s birthday bash when all I want to do is hide under the covers and eat ben & jerry’s because nothing really matters anymore…

consults. labwork. tests, tests, tests. bloodwork, heartcheck, see the nice waves that promise everything is firing up the way it’s supposed to. then it’s wait wait wait…to check’in, fill out paperwork, and wait for the medicated slumber while the mechanic fixes things… and do I? do I? get a makeshift will together? does it really matter? nothing does…

add on…
annual check ups, being awakened after a long 14 hour shift to the ringing of the phone, there are calcifications in both, you need additional views, you need an ultrasound… you need more ben & jerry’s you need to know nothing really matters…even through the painful pressing, the tears would have come up anyway. that just helped them along.

and isn’t this what you’ve always wanted? to not be? to check out? to throw it all to shit? how many times…did you tell yourself…that nothing really matters… never really believing it?

so here you sit. waiting. for the all clear. for the other surgery. for time to stay in this moment… because the blue sky matters, the purple crocus signaling spring matters, the sleeping Buddha-like cats matter, your little shiny soul matters.
~~~