Jan 142011
 

according to the “new” horoscope dates…

heck with it, i’m ignoring the change. i’m still a virgo.
~~~
had a good dance class last night. still sore as hell, but still went to the gym today. after, i headed to the local large dept store for some dancewear (footless tights and a tank top made of lycra/spandex) and then headed to the home section for some kitchen items (spatula, dishrack, scented candles) the only thing that eluded me was a vegetable brush…

must find a vegetable brush.

i cat-sat for the neighbor upstairs (never asked for compensation since i considered it a gift to hang in another apt with someone else’s cat, who is a very cool cat) but he gave me a sympathy card and a gift card. what a really great surprise.

got a crappy cup of hot chocolate from dunkin’ donuts. it’s always been hit or miss with that place. i had a gift card from there so, i spent the last few bucks which ended up down the drain. not going back there.

will head to the library to pick up stuff and return stuff. the books i checked out last time suck (minus Neil Gaiman’s Fragile Things). the foreign flicks were like run on sentences…they just kept going and going…. couldn’t deal with them…though, i did watch the Tilda Swinton flick because she is so wonderful. as i said before she was great in Orlando and Edward II…
~~~
as for the general obnoxious mayhem going on with regards to the shooting in Arizona…all i have to say is,

“Please, Bristol Palin, tell your mother to shut her mouth.” indefinitely would be great…alas, THAT won’t happen.

ciao!

Jan 072011
 

fit my weekly walk to the library while the fat snowflakes fell. i had stuff to return. stuff that i neglected…stuff i didn’t even look at. got some new stuff and then headed to the gym for a short cardio workout. i’m still sore as hell and the workout and walk home seemed to help. stopped at the grocery store (and who doesn’t during any sort of snowfall?) and picked up some veggies, yellow corn tortillas, newman’s own salsa (which was cheaper than the freakin’ mission brand!), half gallon skim milk and some soy milk. i’m going to try to wean myself off of the cow’s milk. i’m cutting out eggs too.

of course, i couldn’t resist getting some chocolate (Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut and Mike & Ike’s)…because there is no point in living if you can’t eat chocolate.
~~~
current downloads:
For Emma, Forever Ago – Bon Iver (gorgeous, honest, real and great for cold weather listening. i actually purchased this from iTunes)

Digital Ash in a Digital Urn – Bright Eyes (haven’t listened to it yet!)burned from library cd

currently reading:
The Eye of the Virgin – Frederick Ramsay (An Ike Schwartz Mystery) not really liking it but i’m almost done so i’ll just finish it.

The Reapers are the Angels – Alden Bell (haven’t started it yet but it sounds good)

Fragile Things – Neil Gaiman (i think i started this at one point but didn’t finish this collection of short stories
dvds:
it’s foreign flick week:

I Am Love – with Tilda Swinton (loved her in Orlando!) an Italian flick
In The City – a Spanish flick
Man Push Cart – a Pakistani flick set in NYC

was looking for another English period flick but there weren’t any. i can’t wait for Jane Eyre and The Great Gatsby to come out! i may just see Jane Eyre on the big screen instead of waiting for it to come out on dvd. i love period pieces.
~~~
mr. tuxedocat is currently sleeping peacefully on the couch. i’ve got candles burning, it’s surprisingly quiet for a friday night in bay ridge brooklyn. i’ve got a cup of hot greentea and i’m listening to Bon Iver…salve for the soul. i’m doing okay today…

class…

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Jan 072011
 

i had signed up for a workshop of 6 beg/int modern dance classes at the Mark Morris Dance School in downtown brooklyn a few weeks ago. despite my feeling crappy (inside and out) i still planned on going. the classes were all paid for…

so off i went. with my gym bag, my lock, my “dance” clothes, because they were really gym clothes and i was a little nervous. i made a pact with myself that i would do this to find “my” art again, and that i wouldn’t let the shape of this 45 year old body deter me.

it isn’t so easy (to deal with that last part) when you have a wall of mirrors to show you who you are. you see yourself wobbly on one leg, you see yourself struggle to do the simplest thing like breathe while you take a step. you see how far you’ve let yourself go. it was tough, humbling. how your mind says, sure i can do that, i’ve done that before, but the body…well, the body has no clue.

i was shocked at how i’d forgotten how hard dance is. that you WILL break a sweat. that it isn’t only about the physical. i was arrogant in thinking that since i run and go to the gym, a beginner class would be cake.

nothing kept proving me wrong more than that body in the mirror.

and yet…

i believe that the one and a half hour i spent in that class is going to be life changing…because it fed my soul. it will point me to feeling centered, it will bring the beauty that is movement back into my life. this is movement that exists only to please the eye and the spirit, not to get to a finish line or to the 30 minute count on the eliptical trainer. that the class was accompanied by live music was the icing on the cake…

that i ran into a fellow dancer from college that i hadn’t seen in over 20 years was the cherry. we caught up somewhat, but i have a feeling i’m going to re-connect with some of the other dancers from that college as well.

i’m sore as hell this morning. again, i feel silly for thinking i wouldn’t be. how did i forget? the blisters on my feet, the soreness that wouldn’t go away? the bruises whenever we did floorwork? how could i forget the dirty feet??? Modern Dance is done mostly barefoot.

we’ll see where this takes me. i’ve got a feeling it’ll be somewhere really really good.

Jan 042011
 

and three days ago i had to say goodbye to my best friend. the right thing to do but difficult nonetheless. and i’m in wonder…in awe that my mind could get through the moments when life turns to death…or how it survives the 25 minute drive to the hospital knowing that she’ll never set foot again in the apartment, or feel the sunshine while laying on my bed or sleep peacefully on coveted top of the chairs…

how do you get through ending a life? how do you say goodbye to a best friend, a face you’ve seen every day for the past 15 years 8 months? a being that has always been there for me no matter how drunk i was, how sober i was, how sad or happy, how messy or lazy or fit i was?

Sheera once placed herself between a screaming boyfriend and me as if she were my protector. she mourned at the loss of Mina by meowing loudly at the front door of the apartment. she was the reason i got out of bed each morning…she needed her meds.

my mind is in awe that somehow, eventually, this death will settle in like the last 2. will become another facet of me as a person, will change me a little but i’ll move forward. i’ll continue onward. my tears will dry up.

right now, though, my heart is inside out. thoroughly broken. i miss her, i miss my orangehead.

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Jan 022011
 

thank you for the kind words.