Oct 302010

i think i caught a cold.

the show last night was awesome. the opening acts were good, and the main attraction (Local Natives) were wonderful. Webster Hall is the place to see a live act, it’s nice and small, the sound is really good and there really isn’t a bad spot to watch what’s happening onstage. the crowd was a good crowd, no rowdy stupid drunk college guys.

i got smashed. was feeling really good by the time the main band came on, so i stopped drinking. had a good time. definitely needed to blow off some steam and just dance and enjoy the fabulous music and singing.

afterwards, i hit a pizza shop, got a slice and a snapple (overpriced of course)and then headed to the subway to go home. got home at about midnight. took my shoes off, grabbed my jammies and watched as my male kitty (Vincenzo) peed on my bed…

did i freak? sure i did. but there isn’t much i can do except begin spraying him with water when i see him headed for the bed. i did manage to spray the mattress with pet soil/stain remover (woolite with oxygen). the mattress doesn’t smell anymore but remained wet…so…

…franny had to sleep on the couch last night… AND get up early to do laundry because all of the bedding was soiled.

anyhow. we’ll see what i can do about this. finding another home or turning him into the shelter is NOT an option.

sad news today…my sister just found out her kitty has cancer. he’s approx. 17 years old. he is a stray she took in and has been caring for a while now, about 10 years. my heart aches for her.

don’t let the door…

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Oct 292010

hit you in the ass on your way out, mr. october. you were evil. or…

maybe it just is what it is. life. again. imagine. everyone in my immediate circle seems to be getting regular visits from mr. fubar.
so what’s franny to do?

franny is going out drinking and dancing and moving her butt to the sound of a live band tonight. as the saying goes, “when it get’s tough, the tough get shitfaced and shake their black denim clad asses”

i bought this ticket early sept….back when it wasn’t all going to shit, back when i was still running the marathon, feeling okay. little did i know that there was a storm brewing just around the corner.

not sure if i’m excited about going out tonight in the bigbadcity. first off, i’ll be swinging it alone. there are always preconcieved notions about women who go out by themselves….don’t kid yourself, you think it too…

1. they are in search of sex
2. they are pathetic loners
3. they are pathetic loners trying to get laid.

me? i want to get a good buzz going and enjoy the good music i KNOW i’m going to hear. that a co-worker will be there also may be good. it’s always nice to see a friendly face especially in dog-eat-dog manhattan. if i have to judge by the band i will be seeing, i’m sure the crowd will be pretty tame, low key, and not obnoxious, unlike the crowd destined to invade the club later on in the evening.

the band i’ll be seeing: Local Natives
the venue they’re playing: Webster Hall in the east village.

wish me luck. ps. i promise not to get too shitfaced. i do have to find my way home…

Oct 232010

the beautiful release that a minor meltdown provides. it’s no secret…i seem to be getting surrounded by bad stuff these past two months. i know, i know, it’s all relative…i could have cancer, i could lose my job and be homeless, i could be stuck living in the middle of a war torn country, i could be amidst cholera plagued Haiti.

i know that complaining about not having heat/hot water is NO match for the above trouble… some would smirk at my falling apart over a dying pet cat, some have even answered with a “she’s lived a long life” when i explain my Mom has a brain aneurysm…

but, these are the trials and tribulations given to me by the powers that be. and yes, IT Matters that Mom has a timebomb in her head, or that my absolute best friend wears an orange fur coat and cries when i have to give her that seventh pill…or that in addition to no heat/hot water, my bathroom ceiling is falling down, the neighbor upstairs wakes me with his excessive noisy screaming and cursing after a brutal 12 hour overnight shift caring for dying pets and i end up going for the second 12 hour overnight shift tired, cranky, and dull… unprepared to care for more dying pets. it matters that some of my sibling’s lives are falling apart. some problems even involve lawyers. it is a great strain on me to watch them suffer while unable to do much but be an ear, a shoulder, a hug.

so, yesterday, i let all the junk free. i cried it out. because there’s too much all at once. because the comfort i find in the simple warmth of a hot shower was taken from me. that one simple remedy…not a bottle of booze, a shot of drugs in my arm, or pills in my mouth, or a one night stand, … a hot comforting shower is all i wanted…is all i needed to feel just a little better about life, about people… well, you get my drift. i’ll stop here.

in addition to the letting go, i got tired of having to deal with really crappy cheap furniture. my dresser has been falling apart for years now and still, i repair it, and continue to use it. i have extremely limited storage space here…only one small closet and a rack that hangs off of my bedroom wall. so, i repaired the dresser once again and weeded out 2 large bags of clothes i don’t use. out to the garbage. one bag weeded from the closet will go to the salvation army….even weeded out shoes. did 3 loads of laundry, cleaned the bedroom and stored everything away (with room and hangers to spare).

i don’t ask for much. don’t want a million dollars, a fancy car, expensive clothes, state of the art electronics… i’m okay using and re-using, i’m okay buying generic brands, i limit spending by visiting my local library every week… i only ask for the comfort of a hot shower, peace and quiet while i sleep, more time to spend with my cat, and for my family to be okay.

Oct 222010

yes. dear cheapassed, mofo landlord. you can stuff your apology up your wrinkled 80+ year old ass.

2 days and no heat/hot water and how do i find out? why as i step into the shower.

tell me, what does “i’m sorry” do? what can it do for me?

of course, it’s on my day off when i have to cram all my errands/chores into one day because i was nice enough to play chauffeur yesterday (after work…i pulled a 24 hour up deal).

what else. because i know there is MORE Shit around the corner just waiting.

a big FUCK YOU to the universe today.

Oct 202010

yes. i’m officially tired of the month of oct. actually, it has been a pretty awful end of sept as well.

i have officially become a schlep. no gym. no running. i just stopped. last weekend was a lot better than the weekend before…i only worked sat night to sun. had sunday night off. it was extremely busy and with limited staff we rocked the house. never underestimate the feeling of having done a good job…

still…i continue to just sit and think, sleep, and monitor ms. Orangehead’s respiratory effort and rate. effort got a little worse this weekend so i brought her in to see the cardiologist. another chest tap yielded 170 mls of fluid. (insert sigh here)…

she is on an additional med…
-baby aspirin
-and the newbie – aldactone

she takes them all like the superstar she is. not sure how much longer she has. but as long as she is eating, drinking, urinating, passing stool and can jump on the bed, and looks happy/comfortable…i will continue. her quality of life is still good.

still. it’s tough medicating her. i need to give myself at least an hour to get all the meds in her without giving them to her one after another, i need to space them well. it’s all beginning to get tricky, but you do what you have to do.

Mom is doing okay. i drove up to see her on mon and i took her food shopping and to get what she needed from the pharmacy. i actually made dinner for her, myself and 2 of my sisters. we had dessert and sat at the table talking, joking around, etc. the last time i was at Mom’s i had made dinner (falafel in whole wheat pita pockets) and they loved it. this time around i made cheese ravioli (frozen) with roma tomatos, garlic, onion, spinach sauteed in olive oil. they liked it. we had pie and ice cream for dessert. i’ll be heading back up to see her on thurs and fri.

the dent in my front bumper is still there. it has become a symbol of all the things i don’t want to face but am forced to anyway:
-Mom and her aneurysm
-orangehead and her failing heart
-siblings with failing partnerships
-siblings with health problems
-my bad eyes and still no healthcare

that dent is all of these things…my failed attempt to run the marathon this year, the many deaths at work, the craziness that has taken over this country lately…

i’ve stopped. but i trust that when i’m ready, i’ll start again because i always do. until then, i look at that dent and then ignore it, get in the car and drive to where i need to go. i know that it is a fixable thing. that all things must pass. that eventually, things work themselves out. the outcome may not be what i want (like for instance, the death of orangehead or Mom) but i can at least safely say that i was PRESENT when they needed me… that i chose to drive up north for a visit instead of running a 13 miler and rendering myself unable to sit in a car for 30 minutes. or that i chose to grab a book and hang with orangehead while she slept in the crook of my arm instead of tuning out on the iPod or zoning out watching online TV.
currently re-reading Breaking Dawn
watched Sherlock Holmes
a bad BBC version of Sense and Sensibility (probably from the 1970’s)
still haven’t watched Nine – starring my fav actor Daniel Day-Lewis

currently listening to:
Sticky Fingers – the Stones
Evil Urges – My Morning Jacket
High Violet – the National
the great greenwich village halloween parade is just around the corner… you won’t catch me within 20 miles of that mayhem of a mess.