yes. i’m officially tired of the month of oct. actually, it has been a pretty awful end of sept as well.
i have officially become a schlep. no gym. no running. i just stopped. last weekend was a lot better than the weekend before…i only worked sat night to sun. had sunday night off. it was extremely busy and with limited staff we rocked the house. never underestimate the feeling of having done a good job…
still…i continue to just sit and think, sleep, and monitor ms. Orangehead’s respiratory effort and rate. effort got a little worse this weekend so i brought her in to see the cardiologist. another chest tap yielded 170 mls of fluid. (insert sigh here)…
she is on an additional med…
-and the newbie – aldactone
she takes them all like the superstar she is. not sure how much longer she has. but as long as she is eating, drinking, urinating, passing stool and can jump on the bed, and looks happy/comfortable…i will continue. her quality of life is still good.
still. it’s tough medicating her. i need to give myself at least an hour to get all the meds in her without giving them to her one after another, i need to space them well. it’s all beginning to get tricky, but you do what you have to do.
Mom is doing okay. i drove up to see her on mon and i took her food shopping and to get what she needed from the pharmacy. i actually made dinner for her, myself and 2 of my sisters. we had dessert and sat at the table talking, joking around, etc. the last time i was at Mom’s i had made dinner (falafel in whole wheat pita pockets) and they loved it. this time around i made cheese ravioli (frozen) with roma tomatos, garlic, onion, spinach sauteed in olive oil. they liked it. we had pie and ice cream for dessert. i’ll be heading back up to see her on thurs and fri.
the dent in my front bumper is still there. it has become a symbol of all the things i don’t want to face but am forced to anyway:
-Mom and her aneurysm
-orangehead and her failing heart
-siblings with failing partnerships
-siblings with health problems
-my bad eyes and still no healthcare
that dent is all of these things…my failed attempt to run the marathon this year, the many deaths at work, the craziness that has taken over this country lately…
i’ve stopped. but i trust that when i’m ready, i’ll start again because i always do. until then, i look at that dent and then ignore it, get in the car and drive to where i need to go. i know that it is a fixable thing. that all things must pass. that eventually, things work themselves out. the outcome may not be what i want (like for instance, the death of orangehead or Mom) but i can at least safely say that i was PRESENT when they needed me… that i chose to drive up north for a visit instead of running a 13 miler and rendering myself unable to sit in a car for 30 minutes. or that i chose to grab a book and hang with orangehead while she slept in the crook of my arm instead of tuning out on the iPod or zoning out watching online TV.
currently re-reading Breaking Dawn
watched Sherlock Holmes
a bad BBC version of Sense and Sensibility (probably from the 1970’s)
still haven’t watched Nine – starring my fav actor Daniel Day-Lewis
currently listening to:
Sticky Fingers – the Stones
Evil Urges – My Morning Jacket
High Violet – the National
the great greenwich village halloween parade is just around the corner… you won’t catch me within 20 miles of that mayhem of a mess.