i was okay being dead. it’s easy. you get to just go about your business…do house chores, read books, listen to music, and feel nothing. just let the notes, the words, the dust carry you off into distraction. and then, one day, out of nowhere…when you’re minding your own business, the wind gets sucked out of your lungs… all you hear inside your head is your heart beating. aching even.
and you find yourself revived.
reaching highs and lows and everything in between. and my mind says, i can’t i can’t i can’t. and this changes to i want i want i want and then to please please please…
enough for now.
it is week 6 of my marathon training schedule. this past friday i ran a 10 miler. the first loop was adjusting. the second, i ran at a good easy clip. the third sucked. mostly because of the killer hill at the end of the loop that seemed to be neverending!
hit the gym the following day, the eliptical for 30 minutes and some weight training.
sunday was a rest day.
last night was out by 10pm to hit the local high school track which is easy on the knees. it’s a freakin’ hot spot. tons of teens out. a few fellow runners and a group of guys warming up for a game of soccer.
today? another short 3 miler. i’ll run it on the treadmill at the gym. plan to weight train as well.
my body is slowly changing. my legs show the most obvious changes. less jiggly thighs. my gut is getting smaller as well. still try to do at least 3 sets of 60 crunches. have begun doing some reverse sit-ups as well. my watch is loose fitting. i’ve run out of holes on the band.
i am in total and complete love with The National. the lead singer has a voice that can bring you to orgasm.
really. the lyrics… are brilliant. purchased their Boxer album from iTunes and also 2 tracks from the new album High Violet (Sorrow and Bloodbuzz Ohio). real, honest, no bullshit. burned a cd so i can listen to them in my car…my favs so far? Guest Room, Slow Show and Bloodbuzz Ohio)
i’m falling really fucken hard for an unavailable man. not sure how to get over this. it sucks. but at the very least, it shows me how truly dumbass i am for still having the capacity to have these feelings again, after all the past burns i’ve dealt with. it amazes me how the heart can still keep going to the danger zone. it doesn’t matter how much it hurts, or sucks, or drains the life out of you…
i thought i was good at being dead. unfortunately, i’m alive.
you know i dreamed about you, for twenty-nine years, before i saw you…
-the moment George Bailey and Mary Hatch are sharing the phone talking to Sam Wainwright and George grabs her shoulders and scolds her and then kisses her…
-the moment Edward tells Elinor that it was his brother that married Lucy Steele…
-in a corner counting pills and you, invading my personal space by coming to the corner to get a papertowel and alcohol… molecules want to collide. i feel them rebelling. they want to be near you. they want to grab on and hold tight. there is energy bouncing between us. whether you feel it or not. and all i can do is ignore it and pull myself far and away from your gravity field. and it’s awful. because all i want to do is hold you and kiss you. but fate made sure that will never happen…
tension is soon eased by alcohol and the plain fucking sobering fact that you and i will never happen.
fill yourself with quarters…
weary. blurry eyed. it’s been one hell of a weekend. friday brought bad news, saturday…a workday only hercules could survive. sunday? more of the same.
where is the little box for me to check to opt out?
at least today, i got a little bit of good news.
i’ve done a heady dive into the new kings of mumble. gorgeous voice. brilliant sound. lyrics that slap your heart around.