do you? well do you…

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Apr 282009
 

and how have you gotten by so far
without having a visible scar?

raconteurs

~~~

yesterday and today. low and high. brother. you’ll find yourself shaking your head and wondering…how is it that you find yourself here? when really, you know..you know. admit and move forward. unloosen the nagging seaweed of a girl. let her sink to the bottom…figure out how to float. this ball is a rollin’, full of kinetic energy that no megapaw hand will stop. watch it. even if you’re in awe and mostly shocky. watch it roll away. mow the lawn. pick up the dried out leaves. put the big wheel away carefully for next time. set yourself free…

~~~
today and tomorrow. heavy on the average. maybe even below. you, dear sister find yourself walled off. shut out. and watching the big blue and smiley clouds on tv just doesn’t cut it, does it? oh yea. you’ve done it. you hold on hard with your talons, but in the middle of your balled up digits, there’s nothing but a little piece of happy from a long gone corner of the past. back when you cooed, didn’t know any better than to just open your mouth and let the spoon on in…

~~~
i know what i got. have the list of needs. move through the days with little intention. get by the tight, gut wrenching scenes with minimal chafing, steady ease…

Apr 272009
 

of the lonely.
rocks.
~~~
been rereading entries here. so much happened. too bad i deleted some of the first few hundred entries. never, never delete again. it would have been interesting to read where i was at in 1999…

been pretty tired today. off the ole overnight schedule because it’s just too tough to sleep through a beautiful and warm day. i’m fighting to stay awake right now…i should just give in and sleep.

may is on the way. (yes, i know that was a little corny)

not really sure what else to write, not feeling particularly inspired at this point. i do miss some of the writers that aren’t here anymore. they were good.
~~~

okay, so where am i at now, here in 2009?
i’m still working and learning at a career that i worked very hard to get to. i’m surviving living in the big, bad city that is nyc. i’m finally beginning to do some things around the city, moreso than before. i’m fighting temptation to call an old friend. not sure why. i’m surviving…supporting myself, taking care of my financial committments and somewhat behaving like an adult. go figure. i’m living. doing. being. is this it? is this it. this is it. it is this. well alright.

i edit myself quite a bit here. past experiences make it necessary. defeats the purpose of having a diary though, doesn’t it?! not sure if this will ever change. and that kind of sucks.
~~~

Apr 262009
 

…franny is finally back.
~~~

a big thank you to dd admin.
1. i promise to write down my password for the diary where i can find it
2. i promise to change my email for notifications etc, before i change my ip
~~~

so, finally, the ole landlord turned the heat off… i headed to the gym and worked out for about an 1.5 hours. but i was so damned hot, i didn’t go into the sauna and headed home instead. the weather was gorgeous outside. everyone out and about. tomorrow, i’ll be driving up to see Mom. also, will plan on getting tickets for she and i to visit the Intrepid…she’s been wanting to go, but wanted to wait for better warmer weather. hopefully, this isn’t a mean Mother Nature trick…then again, i did watch An Inconvenient Truth, so it’ll more likely be a humans-keep-screwing-Mother-Earth-so-she’s-decided-to-cook-us reply to our stupidity.

hey, i’ve at least gone green with my electricity…it’s 100% wind power. 😉
~~~
need to get to sleep. didn’t get much on account of the heat and work stress and i don’t want to head up north too late in the morning although, i keep thinking it’s Monday when it really is Sunday. such is life when you finally get a fucken Saturday off…you lose all sense of what day it is, what time it is and who the heck you are.
~~~
~~~

and in comes pseudo summer. flaunting flirty skirts and anxiety. but i wear the number 43. i pull on the dark teal blue polo with a butterfly. the jeans that are just a little too tight at the waist. the comfortable sandals. no make-up, no earrings. no watch. no ring. and i want to love my neighbor, i want to smile at strangers. i want to shine yellow, but can only manage tired indifference colored pale blue…

*title is lyric from a Shin’s song entitled Caring is Creepy 😉