for noone…

 Uncategorized  Comments Off on for noone…
Mar 282008
 

and i’m there again. in the dark, with only radio lights on glowing in the middle of the night. the music is low and soulful, the kind that reaches into the pit of your heart and makes it ache. and if only i could remember some of the words i said…you said…but nothing comes.

i get the feeling down. i know how i felt. and how much more real could it have gotten? how much more primal? the truth is i knew it all along. i knew that this was it…

where does this energy go? it just doesn’t disappear. it doesn’t float up into the vast universe. it doesn’t disappear into a black hole…

i know where half of it is. in each living cell. nestled among dna strands. and when a familiar note sounds, or when the wind floats a familiar scent across my way, those cells, that energy, that primal fire surfaces and burns me down whole.

almost…

 Uncategorized  Comments Off on almost…
Mar 232008
 

is a tricky little word. it can be comforting, it can crush you like a ton of bricks…

it is precisely 1 cm from the top And the bottom.
it is the wallflower trying to get on the dancefloor.
it is the girl with the black eye trying to turn the doorknob.
it is the silver medal and the bronze.

and this is where i find myself. david…how did i get here?

and the muse is changing just like the season. i feel the sunshine, but still, it doesn’t bring as much comfort as it used to. and i don’t know why.

everywhere. there are lessons everywhere. and in this city, they mostly suck. i’m in a love/hate relationship. i sometimes want a divorce. but i don’t think there is anywhere else i can live. because as much as i see that the city is almost intolerable to live in for someone with a soft heart, i can see that it is full of people with the ability to be almost genuinely good…
~~~

i’m sleep deprived, but i’ll be working tonight.

Mar 192008
 

this city is. it is the ever-loving rat race. the dog eat dog, the see who gets to sit first, get out the door first, up the stairs first, the best seat in the house, the last parking spot for miles…

it is the utter obliviousness to the space around your big head and all of the gadgets you juggle to placate the whiny child in you…

and the masses walk, knife in hand, with one protruding out the back, reflecting fake smiles, plastic compliments, and underhandedness…
~~~
then…
a homeless man walks onto the train asking for money…and noone looks him in the eye. noone can spare cash. noone gives him anything. i find myself a part of that group…

and this doesn’t matter to him. he says, “don’t be sorry, stay as beautiful as you are”. and even if he was as fake as the rest of us are. even if he too partakes in the rat race, the self-centeredness, i realize, as i get off at my stop…

i go looking for him. i find him in the last car. i hand him an embarrassing sum of change i scrounged from my knapsack. i hand it to him and tell him,

“you were the only nice person to me today, thank you” and this makes him smile.

off i go, up the stairs, into the night full of rain feeling just a little bit lighter…

we teach best…

 Uncategorized  Comments Off on we teach best…
Mar 142008
 

what we need to learn the most.
(a zen saying i believe)

yes. another day. a gorgeous day out in fact. spring seems just around the corner…

and a change in the season brings along more. a much needed change i look forward to. i’ve made it happen. which is worth more than the hot air that seems to circulate around here these days…

life, you can’t live it if you’re here all of the time.

ciao!

Mar 092008
 

try to win and suit your needs
speak out sometimes but try to win

lyrics by REM

and in this day i keep finding my life. it’s written down and piled neatly in notebooks on the shelf. i skim through 25. i flinch at 30. i gingerly replace the canadian 2 dollar bill in between the pages. i remember running on the beach along Lake Huron…

i feel the hole. the dark. the little bit of anxiety at how quickly life has gone by. i find myself here. and i know how i got here, but that doesn’t change the fact that despite the hard work, the hurdles i’ve gotten over, there is still something missing and i don’t know what it is…

is it companionship? is it God and his church? is it the lack of a legacy? is it the simple fact that i never quite bargained getting this far and just don’t know what to do when the credits don’t begin to roll?…

there aren’t any tidy endings. no young kisses on the dinner table over a birthday cake. no goodbye hugs, have a good life. no chance to say i miss you or i’ve always loved you. no perfect song…