Nov 252007

and what do you follow-up with after the previous entry? do i write about the sad little hole in my heart? the crying reserved for after work hours? the irrational worrying over how cold she’ll be buried in the ground? the panic attacks that i may have made a mistake and should have waited longer?

the hard truth is that life goes on. people will hustle and bustle through this holiday season regardless of my little tragedy thanksgiving 2007. it happened when Dad died. it’s happening after my sweet girl was euthanized. it’ll happen when it’s my time.

and this is why: when i love, i love BIG. even when the guy is wrong. even when my sisters and brothers upset or anger me. this is why when i get hurt, i hurt big. men have flattened me. friends have flattened me. pets flatten me. other people’s pet flatten me. but love runs the blood that fattens the arteries and veins and makes everything 3-D again.

she was the sweetest, most innocent living creature in my life. i will miss her but she’s home now, put back where i found her, with Mom watching out for her and the stray kitties playing over head.

Nov 192007

and they’re never really pretty. they bring more blue than red or green. they remind me of what’s missing. and what’s on it’s way out. i try. i try to have a little hope. to feel that little bit of childish joy at the first snowfall. but time is making it tougher. gravity is pulling me down. there are some people out there i miss having in my life. there are some people i wish i’d never met. i’m headed for the holiday funk. where i’ll walk numb amidst the glitter of 5th ave christmas lights, hordes of tourists, and cold navy night sky filled with stars i can’t see…

sometimes i don’t even know why my heart is breaking…it just does.

Nov 122007

i joined a gym. i’m not as weak as i thought. the ole gams can still leg press over 120 pounds. imagine. of course, i’ve gained about 10 pounds, mostly in the core section of my body (butt and gut). it’ll be a challenge with my work schedule to get back into tip top shape and lose the weight but i’m on track and i guess that’s what matters most. i need to relieve the stress and get my body back, because really, my body has always been in decent shape. throughout my 20’s and 30’s, i’ve always been active whether it be dance classes, the gym or running, i’ve always been fit. this is the first time in my life i don’t feel so fit…like running a 4-miler will just about do me in. so, i need to make this work however i can…
i’m short 3 races to qualify for ING NYC Marathon 2008. so, i’ll be fitting 3 races in the coming months. not sure if i’ll actually run it since my hamstring still hurts, my knees are shot and the ole plantar fasciitis is flaring up.
did volunteer this year to help with NYC Marathon 2007. got to see Paula Radcliffe win. also got to see Lance Armstrong cross the finish line. it was a tough day to get through though since i’d only had about 2 1/2 hours sleep (due to work) and had to be at the volunteer buses by 3:45am (in manhattan) in order to get shipped to staten island to help at the start village. i drove in and parked my car a block away (what luck!) since we’d be getting bussed back to the finish line in central park. it was a very exciting race to see. there are a lot of people out there that deserve a pat on the back and a nice cold beer. cheers to you crazies for running 26.2 miles especially my co-worker who smoked katie holmes.
it’s 5pm. time for dinner. some boob tube action and maybe cracking open a library book. what are you doing tonight????