who are you?

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Oct 272007
 

i am the 42 year-old girl that’s gotten out of bed at 1pm after a depressing night of caring for a kitty that is struggling to hang on. cancer cells are persistent in their ambition to kill, kill, kill. chemotherapeutics are persistent in their ambition to kill, kill, kill. there is no one place that is not hard. rocks are softer at this point.

~~~

and so i get lost where i’m comfortable. in between tom yorke’s green plastic and bowie’s quicksand. i turn it up for sinead’s troy and eddie vedder’s long road…

music. sound. something that i can wrap my heart and mind around. and let it take me somewhere beyond lymphoma and an aching spirit. music. it’s been there, dear readers, when you have not. when i’m the girl in the dark and quiet room wondering what the hell else is around the corner.

i am the girl who hasn’t brushed her teeth or bathed yet. that has half heartedly attempted to use the rowing machine. i’m stuck. even when i know that movement will save me…i stand still letting the waves crush into me. am i the deer in the headlights, or is it that i just can’t physically care right now for myself?

i am the girl who dreamed i was swimming fully clothed, back and forth in an olympic sized pool…and being underneath felt good.

cold.

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Oct 262007
 

should i kiss the viper’s fang, or herald loud
the death of man…

db

sometimes it just gets too loud. i need a pocket of stillness and quiet warmth. somewhere that’ll drown reality a little… a place where i can sleep deeply.

2 deaths and one poor prognosis…life is a unique creature.

i’m tethered to the logic of homo sapien, can’t take my
eyes from the great salvation of bullshit faith

db

Oct 212007
 

…to the girl with the mousy hair db

ten times or more. i keep having the dream. i keep tucking it away. keep ignoring the strange buzz of you flying like a butterfly over my head. unfinished business? closure? don’t know….all i want is a cigarette and to forget.

all day. all month. all year. an entire decade. you are there. sometimes the shadow in my dreams, or blatant: tall, dark-haired, fair-skinned brooding…stoned, drunk, fucked-up…you name it.

and there was no conclusion. no ending really. maybe that’s where the dreams come from. the story is looking for an ending that is right. that is clear and good. not lost in words never said, letters never sent…apologies never given. just once. i want a good ending. one where the sun sets beautifully. where there is fucken peace in the land and all of the forest creatures go off as friends… i want a hug. i want an “i’m sorry” or “i understand now”. i want that knock down argument, that long intense conversation that’ll leave us sweaty and tired. and i want the chance to assemble a mean play list to accompany it all. i’ll even drive you home…

in the feeble and the bad db

Oct 142007
 

don’t think i’ve slept more than this past weekend. i guess i must have needed it. now, it’s 11:15pm and i really should be in bed asleep. but i’m not. i’m here writing to the make believe starry night sky here in cyberspace.

sometimes, i am amazed that i’m here, living in brooklyn, again. working in the city. it wasn’t planned. actually, after living in PA, i wasn’t sure where i’d end up, just didn’t want to end up there. and that was all that was planned, not being in PA.

it’s a tough crowd here though. and, the city can eat you whole and spit you out, then step over you and move on. sometimes, the coldness, the indifference gets to me. mostly because i know that deep down, it’s just a mask… protection
still, i have to wonder where is the human behind the coldness, the selfishness, where is the love?

you’re never alone in your aloneness, plenty of company here. in that respect, i feel comfortable. it’s not so strange to be alone, not to have any children or not be married. be in a city if you’re alone…be in the city if you’re alone…be in nyc if you’re alone. because then, it’s survivable. it’s doable. it’s alright.

11:47pm, time to try to get some sleep…another workday is looming.

Oct 132007
 

night with the not for ready prime time…ah…yea. he messed up.
~~~
1. must get some pics of times square because it is utter pandemonium. last weekend i pulled an overnighter and walking from the subway through the square at 11:30pm was a trip. the clueless, the awestruck, the dumb. all lit up with the gawdy neon. …hence, must remember to take my camera when i pull an overnighter…

2. i’m currently eating indian candy corn with a cup of tea. not the greatest combination but well…at least i didn’t put any sweetener in the tea.

3. watched My Left Foot (again). god, how i am madly in love with daniel day-lewis. how fine, how handsome..even with the pretend broken body and crooked mouth.

4. checked out from the library Led Zeppelin’s 4th album (untitled) *(the one with stairway to heaven)…god damn they rock! of course, i would like to purchase Physical Graffiti since it has my favorite zep song (ten years gone). 🙂

5. watched A Midsummer Night’s Dream with michelle pfeiffer, calista flockhart, stanley tucci and rupert everett (another fine specimen of a man). i must say, kevin kline was handsome too.

6. ms. kitty is doing better. i weighed her yesterday and she’s gained 0.5 lbs.

7. it’s saturday night. and i’ve got the “on-call” leash on all week until monday. ah well. so it goes.

8. (there was an 8 but i deleted it, it was childish and silly)