Jul 282007
 

i keep coming here intending to write it all down, and still, i just can’t come up with the words. i’m exhausted. i’m bordering on being burned out. so soon, not even a year yet and i’m feeling run down. my workplace is busy. business seems to be booming…

i’m on the verge of moving, yet again! but i’m planning to buy my own place by next year. yep. no more renting. no more bowing to da man. i’m sick and tired of giving money away for what??? nothing. i’ve nothing to show for it except bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep because of noisy neighbors…screw it, i’ll be a homeowner by this time next year…

i continue to live the sloth life, no running, no exercising, unless you count work where i’m on my feet approximately 12 hours a day and do some heavy lifting. i feel awful. i feel out of shape. but, i am hopeful that i’ll get my shit together and get a routine going again. yes, hopeful, hopeful…

it’s 12am and i’m still awake. i should be asleep…i’ll be feeling it tomorrow. and still, i’ll wake up by 9am to watch my favorite Sunday Morning with Charles Osgood…

the air tonight was hot and muggy. heavy with saturday night partiers zooming down the road in their hotrods with the orange glowy full moon lighting the way… and off i go on foot, hands filled with kitty litter and cereal, head filled with dog talk, cat whispers, and dreams…

drive

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Jul 272007
 

go on. drive into the night. keep going until the sky turns big and takes over the view. make a pit stop. look up. take in the stars. let their light rain on you. it’s okay to feel small. it’s okay to take that deep breath…

close your eyes. feel the calm. forget about noisy kids and the silly neighbors, forget about the danger of isoflurane and endotracheal tubes. get yourself to the point of enebriation. sit back and dream. remember, you know where you are…

laugh it off. don’t buy into the big fraud, of middleclass homeowners with 2 kids, two cars and a wife busy asking what next, what next, when it’s really about what’s real and who’s real…

Jul 162007
 

“everyone believes, in how they think it ought to be”…
j.mayer.

almost a year. this living in a box. is it the brain chemicals gone awry or the dull morning ride, grey and tight-lipped, that’s making the inside of me scream?

i want the men to give the women their seats
i want the money to miraculously show up for the surgery fido needs
i want my 7 year old aloe plant to not die
i want my cat to gain all of the weight she’s lost
i want the 3 year old upstairs in bed by 7pm
i want this stupid fucked up war to end
i want my 35 year old body back
i want cellphones to go away
i want to see and hear Dad again…

sometimes there is no place to belong in except here in now, in the laughter with tears, the heartache, and longing for a better…a better…i don’t know, but it should be better…and full of light with lots of blues and greens.

when in july…

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Jul 102007
 

you feel a heaviness, gravity, working against you. and you don’t even know why anymore. you live from one milestone to the next and the in between days are spent doing small necessary things like laundry or grocery shopping.

what next?

these are the days when you feel guilty for letting life get by you. but really, are celebrations more valid then a lazy day on the couch reading a book or listening to music? are funerals more important than making yourself an ice cream cone and going for a long summer night’s walk? sometimes… i don’t think so. milestones just require better clothing.

daily goals, monthly goals, yearly goals. lists to bring you closer to the next set of steps you’ll have to climb. when do we say enough? when do we stay put? when are we satisfied with what we have? are we ever meant to be? i know what i want and what i don’t want. but that doesn’t seem to have any influence on what life brings me. and that’s okay for me today. tomorrow, i just don’t know…

eight on its side…

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Jul 022007
 

my week begins with a wake and will end with a wedding. both bring up the bittersweet. and how much can a heart take? do those muscle fibers bounce back after gazing into soft dog eyes ready to die? will it keep ticking after all of the laughing and joking over a casket? do the eyes open willingly, automatically, after months of losing…

i’m beginning to feel the same. a little hollow. a little joy…for all occasions. highs and lows are too tough to manage these days. i’ve dumbed down, or rather taken off the edge with a little bottled fire. it pours easily into my little glass. swallows down smoothe and quiet, does its work and brings me to sleep…

i could get lost in minor details…finding the right shoes to go with that dress, finding the book of stamps and mailing out the bills…finding the spare set of car keys for the parking garage attendant…mulling over what the dinner menu will be by the ingredients i have in the fridge…

but it never really matters all that much. it never really washes away the pain waiting around the corner, the hurt slowly descending from heaven above. and still, the flowers push up through the dirt. somewhere a puppy will be born. somewhere a child takes his first step into daddy’s arms…love keeps living, even after love is gone.