burned out.

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May 302005
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May 242005

is really now isn’t it.

i’m extremely fatigued and my edges are burning out. good thing it’s a holiday weekend. i’ve a had a good run so far and am working as hard as i’ve ever worked in my life.

i’m actually amazed that i’ve managed to keep up with bills, laundry, cat care, and other basic household chores that need to get done. i’ve even managed to go through a car wash (for the first time!) and get my first oil/filter change.

going to work is another story… i’m losing my patience and it’s just become a great disappointment. i’ve grown weary of the office politics, the everyday bull. i’m done here…now it’s just a waiting game i suppose.
i finally broke down and put my stereo equipment together. tv pretty much sucks. every show i like gets canceled. Joan of Arcadia getting canceled is a big surprise. a sad comment on the state of tv and radio for that matter…one of my favorite stations got flipped to yet another rap station (like philly needs another one…) no more modern alternative rock…no more radiohead or pixies or old smiths or old REM or clash or the killers, t-heads.
hence my putting the stereo equipment together…i spent the better part of saturday listening to old smiths tunes, u2’s Unforgettable Fire (my second favorite album behind Achtung Baby) and old Cure tunes (the head on the door).

brought back some very strong memories. i could almost smell the shower to shower. i miss him. it’s been well over 10 years. i wish i could just sit down and have a good long talk with him. it’ll never happen though. i guess it’s for the best.

the hardest kind of love is the kind that’s felt from a long distance and that has no promise or hope of being returned. the kind of love you feel swell in your heart for someone that may as well be zillions of miles away and trillions of years gone by. funny, sometimes, it feels like he’s in the next room.

i feel it, acknowlege it, let it go, and try to forget a little bit.

“this is the last day of our acquaintance
i will meet you later in somebody’s office…”

sinead o’connor

May 052005

what i do…

or so i feel…i mean there are plenty of times…too many in fact, where i feel completely dumb. as if i know nothing and can’t do anything. i may as well have hands with all thumbs. i know i tend to be tough on myself and it’s only been a week but i really want to feel comfortable.
the morning and evening drives are making me crazy. last night, i’m driving on a narrow, residential and out of the way road at 11pm. lo and behold, a string of cars appears behind me. it’s a freakin’ 15mph zone. there are cars parked on both sides of the road and it’s narrow but also a two-way street! i’m doing between 15-20 and the idiota behind me beeps her horn and then tries to pass me on the left…on a narrow, cars parked on both sides, 2-way road. how freakin’ moronic can you get?

damn. if you’re in that much of a hurry, grow fuckin’ wings.

i also got cut off by a bus that was behind me. apparently, the gap i left in front of me for cushion from the bus in front! of me gave this stunod the idea to pass me and then cut me off. so…i grabbed pen and paper and wrote the bus # down and just finished a telephone call where i filed a complaint.

all i have to say is that there are plenty of “to deal with issues” driving around agressively. my Px is a few session of shrinkwrap!
okay. it’s that time again…when spring is springing, and there’s a general checking out the opposite sex type vibe going on. yikes. may i be struck down by lightning first, but it’d sure be nice to cozy up with a someone who doesn’t have the same parts as i do…

if you know what i mean…

and yes,