ah

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Jun 112002
 

nothing like a good workout. i’m carrying a tiredness, and it feels good. i feel smaller, lighter, i’m beginning to feel like my old self. and that’s always good.

will try to get up early tomorrow morning for another run. it’s amazing how it helps me feel so much more relaxed. i have to remember not to go to the gym monday nights, it’s just too packed! it kind of kills the momentum when you have to wait for a machine..

tomorrow, i’ll go running and after work, go for a long long bike ride, come home and use my free weights for upper back work. carrying groceries home is an arm workout in itself. my triceps are looking pretty decent. i’m not a fan of flabby triceps. of course the ole pooch (abs)is the worst and hardest body part to tame. women got the short end of the stick. soon enough, my tummy will be flat like it used to be… 100+ sit-ups work.

good morning star shine

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Jun 102002
 

up early and went for a nice morning run. i love it. not too many cars, lots of wildlife up and busy, and the air is nice and fresh. it’ll be a hot one today.

finally noticing the difference in my legs. been running and lifting and doing lots of stretches. by the end of this month i should be well on my way to feeling and being a heck of a lot more fit than i have the past 2 months.

got my new stethoscope on saturday! my poor cats… i’ve been bugging them all weekend plus i trimmed their nails, even on their hind legs. they didn’t like the hind leg business too much…but i had my secret weapon: a super sized beach towel (purple and green stripes) when they see this towel, they both bolt. but eventually they find themselves wrapped up like pigs in a blanket. they don’t struggle so much anymore because they know that once they are wrapped up, they can’t go anywhere. later, i rewarded them for being good with a little catnip. then we all took a nap on the couch. it gets crowded but for some reason, they both have to be on top of me.

did some studying too. for the record: biochem sucks. well…i do find the acid/base part interesting…

must dig through my god awful closet for my dosage/calculation text and some practice tests. good thing i had to purchase my vet hospital manual (waltham) i don’t think my present school offers this little gem but it’ll come in handy for my practicum. it’s got normal values for dogs, cats, pups, kittens, horses, birds, and most pocket pets (rats, mice, gerbils, hamsters, guinea pigs) plus some special species: iguanas, llamas, etc… too bad the other students don’t have this as a reference.

nice low-key weekend. mom is doing alright. the siblings that live out of state or more than 3 hours away will begin the trek home for the niece and nephew graduation. crap. when she was born, i was 18! now she’s 18. lordy. it’ll be strange to go back to my high school to watch them graduate. ‘course Mr. O will be here for 17 days. he’ll be at the graduation too. it’ll be good to see everyone again for a happier occasion.

told my sis to bring the dog…cause i’m bringing my stethoscope…the ideal situation would be to go visit her and her friends where i would have 6 more specimens to harrass. 😉 they hopefully forgot the last time i was there, when i shoved the heartworm meds down their throats…

dreaming

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Jun 092002
 

bike ride early morning sun just coming up the shadows of my pedaling feet are long wedding trains behind me and the metal and rubber and plastic and the wooshing trees don’t offer cups of water, the road is long ahead…

see myself holding mother, sitting on the corner of the bed. pretending to sunbathe at the wide open window like i was 5 again. see myself hiding in the gym shower stall, 7th grade girl with no bra, just white undershirt…see the long lean body leap from the curtained wings wearing julliard’s costume, flowers on my head and holes where skin should be.

and when i got to heaven, i was sitting across from you, coloring with a paintbrush while the shrooms were coloring me. and the walls were singing and it felt like being undersea, it felt smoothe and quiet, like Low side b. and i think you knew i never wanted to reach 21. i guess i gave that up at 23. silly really. and magical too how we had telepathy.

now i’ve gone and grown up and i’m wanting all the normal things. how odd it feels that this is me. i’ve got a stethoscope, and notes to know, and bills to pay, and parents to lose, and sisters to kiss, and cats to feed. i’ve got someone to love, and sometimes it feels like it’s all killing me.

tell me are you still a poet full of lust and hurt and drugs and wine? are you full of stories and oreo cookies lit up with candles on a paper plate? are you still there at the driver’s wheel parked at the moonlit lake? driving with the lights off, watching the dainty deer? are you the awkward boy with the clumsy tongue and hands? searching for the power button to turn this girl past on?

are you still the manhands with the ability to pass no? to crush me with crooked lip smiles and extremely fucked up teeth? are you sitting there plugged into propeller and radiohead pretending to not want, not cry, not care?

have you retreated to lake champlain? to hide your ugly among the beautiful watery scene? whatever happened to descente bike shirts from madison ave? my claddagh ring, my Winsor-Newton paint box? The Seiko watch is dead.

i am here. sometimes i feel like that girl. i enjoy it all over again without the edge of bitterness. it goes down smoothe as wet silk, as gorgeous chocolate milk.

Jun 072002
 

four hours to go…

i wanna be sedated…

R.I.P.

Dee Dee

~~~~~

depressing news.

hostages killed.

teen kidnapped.

femur found.


what the hell?

~~~~~~

what can you do? but press on…keep moving…onward.

~~~~~~

don’t know what i’ll do sunday. the Vet said i could take the final when i was back to my old self. as soon as she said that i wanted to say, “i’ll never be my old self again”. i’ll never quite get over it. things are going well for me, everything is in place. i guess it would be ashamed if i let it all go to waste. but i’ve learned to not hold on too tightly to anything. that’s the way of the world. if it comes, it’s a gift. but there is always loss coupled with the magic.