Pretty Hate Machine

Rap Star Wannabe showed up at the Poor Man’s Starbucks this afternoon. And I learned one of his “secrets”, which apparently he’s not keeping all that secret.

I’d wondered if he worked (or if he used to work) there. Turns out not… but he did use to work at the “other” Poor Man’s Starbucks on the east end of my suburb. The one that’s actually closer to where I live.

“Why did you quit?” a woman asked him.

“I didn’t quit. I got fired for smoking weed behind the building.” So there it is. What a punkass, I thought to myself. I think I might even have mumbled it out loud.

Turns out he works at Chipotle now, which I had suspected. Once when I was eating there, outside on the patio, he walked up to the door across from where I was sitting and entered, giving me a perceptible nod just before he did so.

I’m attracted to him physically, but I can’t stand him in just about any other way. Why do I have to feel anything about him at all? Why should anything he does even matter to me?

Once last week, he told someone at the Poor Man’s Starbucks, “I’m a failure at life.”

What if his becoming a rap star doesn’t work out? Does he even have a Plan B?

A couple times I’ve seen him come in and wait for a young crew member — a recent highschool grad — named Brian to finish his shift, after which they left together. I’ve never seen either of them with a girlfriend or heard of such, and the thought has crossed my mind: Are they dating each other? Are they a couple? But I have absolutely no idea one way or the other. Still, it seems like a possibility.

Today he was with the black kid who made me so upset a couple months ago when he treated me to an ice cream cone, which I did not want him to do. They went outside for awhile and smoked, then came back in, and later left together.


We have a new housemate now, whom I just met for the first time last night when I arrived home. Her name is Tracy. I guess she’s taken the front master bedroom that used to be Keinya and Steve’s. I know absolutely nothing else about her as yet. But last night I woke up and found myself all worried about her living in the house, like for some reason it was not going to be a good thing. It’s probably just my meds playing tricks on me, as they sometimes do late at night (but nowhere near as frequently as they used to).