Yes, I realize the way I’m currently going about meeting people is very hit or miss. It started with Matthew last year in Chicago and is now continuing on in my new location. For some years before last year, I was pretty content being alone, not meeting anyone and not even trying, and before that, of course (as anyone knows who has read my diary for the past dozen years or so), I had plenty of hookups and “sexcapades” until, one day, it suddenly stopped.
I’ve done the “sites” and personal ads ad nauseam since the early ’80s — and although I did have one year-long relationship early on, plus a couple briefer ones (six weeks or so) here and there, and many one-time sexual encounters and several more repeat ones — I got to a point where the whole business was just too intense and exhausting, especially getting the runaround from oh, so many people time and time again, which led to my experiencing a lot of misery, and I just got sick and tired of it. It’s just too much for me anymore.
Add to that the fact that, at some point since I started on blood pressure meds, and even more so after starting on diabetes meds, my libido has almost completely crashed from what it once was. That’s a major reason why, although I enjoyed many hookups and hot times right into my late 40s, I no longer seek them out. It just seems like too much needless trouble and aggravation when those physical desires are no longer so strong anymore anyway.
And I used to join gay social groups to meet people as well, but it all got to where it was the same dozen or so people showing up over and over, and it all got a little boring. And I don’t go to gay bars anymore because I no longer go to bars at all as I don’t drink anymore due to the meds, and besides, I really don’t have room in my budget for that nowadays either.
So now I’ve kind of decided that if I’m to be in a real relationship at some point, it’ll be with someone I encounter just going about my everyday life… and if it happens, great, but if it doesn’t happen, I’ll just grow old gracefully in solitude and spending my days in quiet contemplation.
So I find myself focusing on guys I meet that I like, not even knowing for sure their orientation. I figure someday I’ll hit it right. Or maybe not.
Hence Matthew last year… and now Patrick… and Carl…
And now an additional complication is that I find most guys my age too old for me… and I’m finding myself most attracted to guys who are half my age… or less… I tell myself I shouldn’t, but I want what I want and that’s that.
And so the story goes. I feel like I’m rambling incoherently here, so I’ll stop for now.