1. Send your cat out into the back yard in the middle of the night. Your cat is going to need some quiet, uninterrupted time to do what cats do at night in the jungly back yard.
1a. Let the sun come up.
2. Totally space out that you had intended to start doing a sweep of the back yard before you let the dogs out in the morning.
3. Open the back door.
4. Get bare foot stepped on by big galoot dog with ‘the pretty eyes’. Yeah, right. Her eyes might be pretty but her feet are lethal.
5. Notice that the cat is fooling around with something by the retaining wall.
6. Suddenly remember your intentions about the yard sweep.
7. Hand slap forehead.
8. Emit unladylike language.
9. Observe Ben trotting by with a large vole dangling from his mouth. Hear crunch of skull as he passes.
10. Call Sunny into the house, thinking that will help the situation.
11. Realize you are six or seven kinds of fool.
12. Wander around the house berating yourself.
13. Check the back yard again. Observe Ben grabbing a second vole off Fiona’s slaughtering area.
14. Hear skull crunching commence.
14a. Confirm to the neighbors that you have potty mouth.
15. Measure out dog food for Sunny.
15a. Throw it in her dish with no extra goodies out of sheer spite, thinking she will get on Ben’s case later and try to make him feel guilty about eating voles and messing up her breakfast.
16. Resolve that Ben is getting no dog food this morning.
Net savings: 3/4 cup dry premium dog food.
Net level of disgust and remorse: 9.75
Probability that this will happen again tomorrow morning: 9.9
(Level of desire to find other employment: 10.9999. The creatures of this household are creeping me out. Never mind the lack of mental stimulation amid the untamed fauna. Hey, we may live in the suburbs, but it’s like Wild Kingdom most of the time. Somebody get me outta here.)
August 3, 2010 by 6 Comments