Analyze?

Just got back from Detective Pikachu with Molly.  It was a cute movie.  But, all the medications I’m taking now made me tired and I felt like I wasn’t being a very good conversationalist with Molly.  In the end, I was anxious to leave and come back home to be alone.

I wonder if I keep suffering the same hurts because I’m not analyzing myself enough?  How do I analyze myself and my thoughts and actions more?  And in a useful way?  Or am I over-analyzing??  I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about decisions and worrying about things, but I still find myself repeating mistakes and nearly constantly sad and depressed.  I can’t really pinpoint what it is that keeps me from being able to have a good relationship.  I wish I could.

Saturday

I’m about to head out to meet Molly to see Detective Pikachu in the theater.  Not really looking forward to the movie or anything, but I just wanted to get out of the house and force myself to not think about all the regrets and heartbreak I’m going through right now.

I’ve been going back and forth a lot this week in my mind about whether or not I should tell P how I feel about him and let him decide what we should do next.  Or just don’t say anything and do my best to maintain contact with him and possibly be there if/when it doesn’t work out with this girl he’s seeing.  Or if I should just let our text conversations slowly dissolve until we stop talking to each other, and just let it be.  I’m super impatient and I really just want to know what he thinks so I can either focus my energy on him… or on getting over him.  But, I think he’s a bit more sensitive and reserved and I think it might turn him off if I told him how I felt now, now that he’s made it clear he’s seeing someone else.  Even though he DID kind of do the same thing with me when I started seeing N…. what to do??  Maybe I’ll ask Molly today.

Going to see some condos/townhouses tomorrow with Cathy.  I’m totally not into buying a house right now.  But, I’ll keep going through the motions.  I honestly don’t know what I want anymore.

This Week

I don’t know how I made it through this week.  I’ve been so depressed about N and P that I can barely function!  Thankfully, it’s been a very quiet week at work and everybody has mostly left me alone.  And Shane has been out from Wednesday through Friday, so I haven’t had to constantly be focused on some type of work.  I’m thankful for that.  I really am.  All I really had to do all week was update the PAT document.

Today, I asked P if he had another date set up with the girl he met on Match and he said they just saw each other last night and will probably see each other next week.  I feel really sad and jealous.  He did not want to see me that frequently :(  It hurts :(

I wish it was easier to trust N now.  Now that I know he’s lied about something so big. And even if I could get past the lies… I’d still have to deal with his ex harassing me and his daughter visiting sometimes.  I never wanted that part.  That’s why divorced men and men with children have become dealbreakers for me.  No matter what I do, it’s going to hurt a lot.

Dear Self,

Dear Self,

I know it’s been a challenging week.  Things didn’t turn out the way you hoped with Namo or Pao, and it’s disappointing.  But, you’ve been through this before.  You’ve been through much worse, actually.  You’ve been dumped harshly before.  You’ve been lied to before.  You’ve been ignored before.  And you’ve come out of it stronger.

You are a strong person and this is only a blip on the timeline that is your life.  Remember that only a few months ago you broke your wrist and you got through that all on your own!  You’ve been living on your own for 13 years now, not dependent on anyone.  You were purposely single for over a year!  You’re a very strong and capable woman.  Men have come and gone in your life and they will continue to.  Do not think that this is the end, because it isn’t!  It’s the beginning of a new chapter.

Remember that only 4 months ago, you were lonely and hadn’t yet met either N or P?  And now you know that there are actually really nice, decent guys out there that are interested in you (minus the whole lying about the ex-wife and kids thing lol :P)

Self, this is not going to last forever.  In one month’s time, you will be in a completely different mindset.  Things will probably be much better by then.  Go on, I dare you.  Check back in in one month and see how you feel!

Love,
Me from June 2019

I Did It

I did it this morning.  I sent a text to Dave breaking up with him.  I sent a text yesterday explaining my feelings more, but he never responded to it.  He also didn’t respond to my breakup text today.  I actually don’t feel that sad about it right now.  I mean, yeah, it’s sad that he wasn’t emotionally capable of moving forward in the relationship, but at least this all happened now, early on in the relationship.  I don’t feel like I’m leaving anything behind or missing out with him because he’s just given me too many signs over the past few months that he’s just not a caring or empathetic person.  It never would have been a satisfying relationship for me.

But, it’s still very sad to be single yet again.

I Think It’s Over

I think it’s over with Dave.  We haven’t broken up yet, but I think it’s going to happen very soon.  I might even do it tomorrow.

What’s the reason?

Well, I broke my wrist on the 15th and got surgery on it a few days ago. I’ve been in a lot of pain since it happened and sort of handicapped – I can’t do much for myself with only one hand.  And ever since it happened, Dave has been very distant and cold and uncaring.  It’s such a bad feeling.  I can see now that he just doesn’t really care about me.  He’s been giving me small signs that he doesn’t care about me for a while – since the beginning of our relationship actually… But, this is the biggest and most obvious sign.  I can’t continue to be with him after this.  It would be too pathetic.  I might have low self esteem, but I don’t hate myself enough to be with someone who doesn’t give a shit about my well-being.

I really hate going through this over and over.  It’s so depressingly predictable.  Guy stops calling me cute pet nicknames.  Then stops texting me as much as before.  And stops putting in effort to see me in person.  But, they still won’t break up with me.  It’s basically left up to me to bring it up; and break up with them.  I want to scream and cry that it’s not fair, but the world doesn’t care about “fair”.

Again, I am left to contemplate why am I continuing to go on living?  I’ve been wanting to be dead for years so why don’t I just do it?  I am unable to be happy and unable to make myself happy, so what am I really holding on for?

Hello

Hello Diary.  I am lonely.  Today and in general.  I feel it in my soul.  I think I’ve stopped believing in the bible.  I’ve seen so much evidence that points to it being a retelling of other myths from previous cultures that I can’t believe it’s infallible anymore.  So, I don’t know where my faith is right now.  I don’t know how God fits into the world at all anymore.

I don’t think there’s anyone in my life right now that understands me or really cares about me, and so it’s very lonely.  John is a good friend and comes as close as I could hope to someone that “gets” me.

I told you that Alain is married and has a kid now.  It’s been bothering me a bit lately.  It has an element of unreality.  It was weird even to type that out… that Alain is married and has a child… with someone else.  This knowledge combined with my loss of faith has really sent me for a loop the past few months.  I…um…think about killing myself a lot.  Many times per day.  Because I know I’m truly alone.  And that nobody cares about me.  Nobody cares how I’m doing or what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling.  I don’t really get why I’m here anymore.  I don’t understand.  I feel like I’ve lost any hope of having purpose or meaning.  The only person I’ve ever really loved is long, long gone.  And God… may not… exist.

I had always held this fairy tale belief that I would meet a guy and live “happily ever after”.  And after I met him, everything would be better.  But, I’m 34 and that never happened and nothing is better.  I’m really, really, really lost right now.  I’ve been lost my whole life.  Check all of my other entries… I’ve been lost for years.  I can’t figure my own life out.  I’m a sad mess.

Dave unexpectedly went out to DC drinking with some friends.  It makes me uneasy because one time he did that and “ended up” going to a strip club also.  It’s hard for me to feel safe with him.  Do I not deserve a nice guy?  Am I mistaken in even wanting a nice guy?  I feel like I keep ending up with the same type of guy.  The type that only cares about himself and doesn’t have much interest in me.  It’s super duper lonely.  I might as well be the only living inhabitant of Mars.  What would actually happen if I killed myself?  I can’t bother to think about what others will think.  Who cares?  They don’t care about me now, while I’m alive, so why should I care if they’re hurt by me dying?  More-so, I want to know what happens after death.  If God and hell exists.  I couldn’t hate my life more.  I wish I could figure out something that would just make my life tolerable.

I want to just dissolve.  I don’t want to exist anymore.  I wish I never existed in the first place.  I don’t know how to go on with this pain anymore.  The pain that I’m not enough, can’t be enough, never enough.  And the pain that NOBODY CARES.  Nobody notices me or cares about me or notices my depth of despair.

Don’t believe the lies – nobody cares about you or me or anyone but themselves

Over the past few months, I’ve begun to realize and really internalize the fact that people do not genuinely care for anyone else but themselves.  It may sound naive but I genuinely believed what the movies and fairy tales were telling me: someday I, too, would find my prince charming and we’d live happily ever after and my life could really begin at that time.  Writing that out seems so incredibly childish and dumb.  But, it was a lie that I didn’t even know I was believing until recently.

And as I continue to date Dave – or whatever it is that we’re doing – I just realize that love and a happy relationship and marriage are not the norm.  It’s more of a rarity.  And I don’t think I am going to be one of the lucky few who gets to experience it.  I have a hard time experiencing real connection with anyone really.  Even friends.  I’ve been pulling away from them recently anyway because I’m having a crisis of faith of some sort and all my friends are Christian.  I don’t think they would understand my point of view right now, or where I’m coming from with all of my doubts. And so I’m avoiding them.

The thing about God is that I really truly don’t know that one exists.  But, if he doesn’t exist, my life (and all of our lives) don’t have much meaning, do they? We live, have our little jobs, achieve some small successes at work, have some friends and lovers and we all die.  It all comes to an end.  And so our lives served what purpose exactly?  In two generations, we will be forgotten (unless you are a very rare famous person).

When you go through some shit, and you dare to tell a friend or family member about it… they may say they care and really try to empathize.  But, you know that as soon as the conversation is over, they’re off in their own world thinking about their own lives and situations.  By the time the next day arrives, they have probably forgotten the conversation you’ve had with them.  It could be the most significant and traumatic event in your life that you just shared with them, and it barely stayed with them for a few minutes/hours.  We are all in this life completely alone.  Some people find that to be very freeing – complete freedom from responsibility, maybe.  But, I find it hopeless and desolate.  I really crave deep connection with someone.  I really desire that “soulmate” kind of relationship with someone.  I don’t even care if it’s just a friend or female or male.  Just someone that really gets me and I get them and we just have some kid of symbiosis.

Today, Dave and I were supposed to work from home together.  But, at some point, his manager said he had to come into the office today instead.  Which is fine. I understand that and I wouldn’t expect him to risk his job or relationship with his manager to insist on working from home.  What I didn’t like was that he didn’t directly tell me “oh my manager called me and said I had to come in to work today”.  He just ignored the fact that we had these plans, went to work without telling me. and then when I reached out to say good morning to him, he made some offhanded complaint about traffic while driving to work.  Instead of telling me that he had to work directly, he made some indirect comment about the traffic of which I suppose he thought I should infer all of the other details. That bothered me and I told him right away that he should’ve told me directly. And then he just shut down for the rest of the day and we’re barely talking.  Maybe I’m overreacting, but that was just so inconsiderate and selfish.  I feel like he just assumes I don’t even need to be notified of his change of plans because his life takes priority and he doesn’t care how it affects me.  He also never apologized or even indicated that he understood where I was coming from. It seems like he just shuts down.  Which, infuriatingly, is the typical male response I seem to encounter in relationships.  Avoid the issue, don’t talk about it, sulk in silence for a while, and hopefully never talk about it ever ever again. DearDiary world, I’m going to say it now, I don’t trust Dave.  He consistently just does whatever he wants to do and leaves me to deal with the results.

God, I just want a good, kind man.  Are there any left for me?

My friend Amanda is getting engaged soon and will be getting married in 1 year.  And Kaitlin got married last year.  And Lauren recently got married.  And I am straight up jealous.  I am happy for them.  But, I feel like I should be able to have the same thing.  But, I’m 34 years old now and I can’t seem to find anyone. The one person in my life who I was 1500000% sure I wanted to marry and spend my life with left me over a decade ago and has since married someone else and had a kid.  That just takes a little part of my soul and smashes it.  And life seems all the more cold and random and desolate and lonely. I may never find someone and that’s just it. The universe doesn’t care. Friends, family, coworkers, etc don’t care.  Don’t REALLY care.  They may say “oh that’s awful”, but does it affect their lives? No. I could die tomorrow and nobody would notice for at least a week. I just keep wondering what the heck I’m sticking around this life for.  There’s nothing here that brings me joy or satisfaction.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I might as well be living by myself on a distant planet thousands of light years away from earth – that’s how far removed from society I feel.

So many people just want to be loved, but so few actually get it.  We want love from our parents, our families, our friends, our significant others, but we are so often let down and betrayed by them. There’s no satisfaction of the desire for love.  Every year… year after year after year… I have one relationship after another only to get brokenhearted over and over.  I don’t think real love or marriage is ever going to happen for me.  I think all I’m going to end up with is more of the same crap…

Because Last Week Didn’t Suck Enough

Had plans with my friend Teresa tonight.  She was supposed to come over for dinner.  I bought all the stuff to make tacos for dinner, cleaned up the apartment all day… and then 3 hours before dinner time she cancelled.  Ugh.

Then I tried to sign up for eHarmony… and after filling out my profile for 5 minutes, the site told me that they didn’t have any matches for me and did not let me finish signing up.  Ugh.