Happy Friday

Today started off a bit rough.  I felt down and frustrated and depressed and lonely this morning.  I had a date sort of planned with Mike this evening, but the event we were going to go to was from 6-8pm and I couldn’t make it into DC before 8pm so we cancelled.  I asked Mike if he wanted to do something else tonight instead but he didn’t respond for like 7 hours, so I just ran some errands after work and got McDonalds for dinner lol. I was actually relieved when we had to cancel.  I know I have to break it off with him, but I just can’t figure out a nice way of telling him and a way to tell him that would make sense to  him.  I kind of wish he would lose interest in me and stop texting me and that the situation would just take care of itself that way lol.  I’m such a wimp.

Other than that, I just worked from home as I normally do on Fridays.  I am reading 4 Hour Body by Tim Ferriss.  I am really inspired and excited about it.  It’s not just helping me learn more about losing weight, but it’s also helping me to understand how to achieve goals by measuring and tracking everything.  It also is helping me understand that goals must be specific and quantitative so that they can be tracked and therefore more easily achieved.  It is ALSO helping me understand that doing something towards your goal, even a small amount, is better than nothing!  So, it has made me feel like maybe more of my life could be in my control.  Maybe I could have goals…… and actually achieve them!  Because I think I have always been too afraid to make goals because I couldn’t even fathom achieving anything.  But, doing things the way Tim Ferriss explains – by small, incremental, realistic changes everyday – seems like something even I could achieve.

So, in lieu of this 4HB book, I have begun taking photos of everything I eat which is supposed to help me make better choices in the long run.  Admittedly, I didn’t eat very well today.  I actually ate TWO dinners lol.  Linguine and McDonalds.  I’m not proud of that, but I’m not ashamed of it either.  It’s my first day.  So what!?  I am also going to begin recording my weight everyday because apparently just becoming more aware of your weight will help you unconsciously start making better choices to get to your goal weight.

It was a day

I went to a new allergist for the first time today.  I liked him right away.  He seemed genuine and honest and enthusiastic.  He didn’t downplay the costs of getting allergy shots and creating the serums.  So, I think I will go forward with getting allergy shots again and see how it goes.  The only bad thing was that he advised me to use Nasacort and see if that helped me out at all in the meantime.  But, after spraying it in my nose this morning, I’ve been feeling a weird sensation in the back of my nose and throat.  It’s like that feeling when you’re about to come down with a cold – kind of burning, sore feeling.  It feels like something back there is swollen.  I hope this feeling goes away soon.

After work, I came home and ate dinner and felt sooooo drowsy.  So, I laid down and tried to take a nap, but I don’t think I ever actually fell asleep after laying in bed for 1 hour or so.  I kept getting that “restless leg syndrome” feeling in my body.  Ugh I hate that. I wonder what it is and why I get it.

I’ve finally decided to give up reading Leisure: A Basis of Culture.  I read about 70 pages and it’s just so difficult to slough through and I don’t really understand what the author is getting at.  So, I”m just going to give up on it and move on to the next book.  I have 7 more books on my list to read by the end of the year!

God has placed two convictions on my heart recently: (1) I love money more than God and (2) I want a relationship more than I want God.   Before this week, if you had asked me if I loved money more than God or wanted a relationship more than God, I would have said “no way!”.  But, I wasn’t being honest with myself.  And even after this knowledge, I still love money. I still want a relationship more than God.  But, the good thing is that now that I’ve become aware of it, I’ve repented and now I can begin to turn from these things and get my priorities straight.  It’s very, very frustrating to me that things do not happen quickly or overnight.  I so desperately just want to be a better person by, like, tomorrow lol.  But, that’s not how it works.  It takes time.  I just have this thought in the back of my mind that I’ve already wasted 32 years of my time and I’m so far behind and I’m a stubborn person so it’s going to take me even longer to learn my lessons and improve myself.  It makes me want to give up?  I worry that it’s going to take me YEARS to learn to love God more than I can love another person and that God won’t send the right person for me until I reach that point.  I know that’s NOT the right way of thinking, but I’m just being completely honest.  That’s how I feel right now.  I know it’s NOT the right motivation for change.  But, it’s just how I’m feeling right now and where I’m at in my journey right now.  I truly don’t comprehend how to overcome the loneliness I feel most days and to focus that energy and desire onto God instead.  They seem like two separate emotions/feelings to me.  The things that I want out of a relationship do not seem to be related to God.  I want physical touching, kissing, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, etc.  I don’t see how these desires can be satisfied in God?  I am not saying that they can’t, I am just saying that I don’t see how….. but I WANT to.  I want God to satisfy all of my needs and wants and desires.  It just seems like such an impossible and far away goal that I become unmotivated.  And yet, deep down inside of me, there’s an inextinguishable and unexplainable fire of faith in God.  So, I continue.

My Dating Life at This Present Moment

I missed Dennis a lot last night.  It was hard to fall asleep because I couldn’t stop thinking of him.  Random memories of things we did together kept popping in my head – it felt out of my control.  I would try to quiet my brain so that I could sleep, but some random moments in time would pop into my head.  Just when I thought I was making progress and moving on… something like this happens and I feel like I took 100 steps back.  All I could do was pray to God that he wouldn’t become the next Alain in my life.  Someone who I spend 9 years obsessively thinking about and trying to get over.  I don’t know what it was about him that got me so bad, that made me fall so hard.  Our relationship is such a difficult thing for me to come to terms with.  I loved him and he loved me………but he took advantage of me in several ways and still isn’t mature enough to see that what he did was wrong and that he needs to make real changes in order to have a successful relationship.  I also don’t want to be with someone who runs away when things in the relationship get hard.  They were HARD when he left, but maybe we could have worked through them if he was willing.  I was willing at the time.

I need to make changes to have a successful relationship too, of course.  I’m not perfect by any means.  I need to learn how to trust and to be more considerate.  Among other things, I’m sure.

I love being alone, but I hate when it gets lonely.  I want a relationship, but I’m afraid that I’ll lose too much of my own personal time and freedoms.  I want a relationship, but I’m afraid that I’m something that nobody would really want.  Men seem to want the outgoing, happy, friendly, party girl types.  But, I’m the quiet, stay at home, spend too much time in her head, get depressed and cry a lot, but sort of nice kind of girl.  Is that a thing?  lol

This past weekend I went on a 2nd date with Mike.  I think going out with him (and the other guys) is dredging up memories of my first few dates with Dennis.  I remember just having such a good time with Dennis and it was so thrilling and exciting and my heart hurts just thinking about it.  But most of these dates with these guys have not been like that.  However…. the two dates with Mike have been pretty good.  I like him.  I wouldn’t say sparks are flying everywhere… but there are some sparks.  I am really disappointed that he’s not Christian though.  Well, ok, I think he would categorize himself as Christian, but he’s a lukewarm one at best.  This time around I really don’t want to just jump into a relationship with the next OK guy that comes along though.  I only want to get into a relationship with someone who will be my husband.  I am tired of these bad relationships and all the broken hearts.  They have taken over my life… and there’s got to be more to life than one broken heart after another.

I have a 2nd “date” with “L” tomorrow.  I met L while walking my dogs around the apartment complex.  He lives in the same apartment complex.  I really have no attraction or interest in him, but I’m too much of a wimp and a people pleaser so when he asked me out on date #1, I said yes.  However, after that date, I said I just wanted to be friends and keep it platonic because of our age differences.  He’s 24, I’m 32.  I reallllyyy didn’t think he’d take me up on the platonic friendship thing… but he did.  And I didn’t want to be completely rude and stop responding to his texts because he lives 1 building away from me so we will probably run into each other a lot over the next year.  So, I guess we’re going bowling tomorrow night.  I don’t want to go, but I’ve already agreed.  I just hope it doesn’t get weird.  And I’ve GOT to find a way to avoid a 3rd “date”.  Lord, help me think of something.

Empty Emptiness

Having a really bad day.  Feeling so hopeless and empty and… absolutely completely hopeless.  There IS no hope.  Nothing works to fix this depression.  I wish I never existed.  I keep asking God to take me out of existence.  He doesn’t have to give me heaven or any kind of nice afterlife. I just don’t want to exist anymore.  I don’t understand why I can’t just have that.  It wouldn’t cost Him anything at all.  I’m a useless human being.  All I do is drag myself out of bed, go to work, come back home, watch TV, and go back to bed to start the whole process over again.  I’m not doing anything to further humanity.  I CAN’T do anything more than this.  I have no motivation or drive.  I feel nauseated just thinking about myself.  I’ve had a pressure headache all day too.  I know the depression tells me that it’s hopeless and I’ll always feel this way, but I’ve tried so many things that are “supposed” to work and they haven’t worked… and so how am I not supposed to logically believe that it’s not hopeless?  I’ve tried many different antidepressants, I’ve been to a bunch of therapists, I go outside in the sunshine and exercise everyday, I changed my diet and I’m eating better now…. but it doesn’t help.  Nothing is going to eradicate this depression.  Ever.  It’s always going to be with me.  Even if I beat it for a few months, it will eventually come back at some point.  It’s pretty much a guarantee.  How do I know this?  Because that’s what’s been happening to me for the past 17 years.  What evidence do I have that things are going to get better?

Gosh I don’t even know how to describe the absolute bleakness I feel right now.  Life, in its entirety, seems like just an empty wasteland.  All of the good memories are just cloudy and dis-attached to me.  Life is nothing but pain and emptiness and loneliness and sadness.  It takes everything from you but gives nothing in return.

It’s like this.

Dennis I miss you.  I miss you baby.  Come back and hold me again.  I want to feel your strong arms around me again.  I want to smell your neck again and cry on your shoulder.  Can we have one last night together?  And do things we shouldn’t do and do things that don’t make sense to do anymore?  I miss all of you, from head to toe.  I loved seeing you naked.  I wasn’t acting or pretending when I said that.

I miss the way you used to kiss me in the beginning – like you really loved and wanted me and desired me.  I didn’t like the way you would kiss me towards the end of the relationship, there weren’t any feelings in them.

Can you hold my hand again?  And let me feel the bumps on your palms?  Can you kiss me on top of my head and tell me you love me once more?  Just once, I promise that’ll be all.

Can you look at me again with love in your eyes?  Can you suggest we go for a bike ride or sightseeing or hiking because you want to spend time with me?  Can you insist on buying me dinner again even when I try to pay?  Just one more time I promise that’s all.

Can we take one more selfie together with some awesome dinner that we made together?  Can you help me open up a bottle of wine after I get the opener stuck in the cork one more time?  Can you wrap your arm around me as we watch TV together on the couch… just once more?

Can we give us a shot once more, but do it right this time?  Could I be myself and could you be yourself?

I’m making those loaded mashed potatoes that you bought a few months ago.  Yes, they’re still good lol.  I wish we could eat them together.  When you use real milk they taste better. I’m looking at that picture we took together after our first attempt at making waffles.  I’m looking at the picture we took at Luray Caverns.  Can we go back to being happy and in love again?  Missing you hurts so much.

You want to know something crazy?  My therapist died a few weeks ago.  I just found out today.  One day she missed her appointment with me and I couldn’t get in touch with her.  They finally found out over the weekend that she died.  Crazy.  Maybe I should see someone else?  I don’t know.  I’ve been doing so well up until yesterday… yesterday I started feeling so lonely and then today I started thinking of you….. and things just spiraled out of control.  You know what else spiraled out of control?  Us.  We started out beautiful and wonderful.  I thought you’d be The One.  But we got too crazy and we lost it.  Oh my God.  I can’t even describe the broken heart I feel.  I can’t describe this feeling, but it’s awful.  Should I text you?  Gadget is wondering what is going on with me…  Don’t worry babe.. he’s been taking good care of me :)

I’m drinking the tequila you bought.  I can’t feel my face right now.  I’m listening to King City – Majid Jordan… do you still listen to that one?  It makes me think of you.  Let’s go back to Shirlington and walk around again and go back on our first date together.  FUCK.  What the fuck did we do???  I. don’t. know. if. i. can. do. this.  period.  I can feel my sanity slipping away right now as. I. type. this.  YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I WISH I COULD TAKE THIS PAST YEAR BACK AND DO IT ALL OVER, BUT BETTER.

Is this something I can really live through?  The pain, honestly, feels lethal.  I was doing so well for the last few weeks.  But, something happened the past few days.  A trigger was pulled.  Fuck. Me.  I need you.  I want to call you to come over right now and make this all better again.  I don’t want to say goodbye to you.  Do we really have to do this????????/1!!

More tequila plz.

King City – it was one of the last songs we listened to together in your car.  It is such a YOU song :)  Remember we couldn’t find anywhere to park before going to that last Wizards game in January?  Remember how you didn’t even want to go?  You didn’t say so, but I could tell.  I’m sorry I made you hate me.  I think there’s something wrong with me????  What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life now?  I hate love.  It’s not good.  Love never works out for me… You’re so lucky you have your family right nearby.  My Dad came down to see me this weekend.  He helped me do some lawn work.  I’m worried about him though, he’s got this weird skin growth.  I’m worried it’s skin cancer.  He’s almost 70.  I swear to you, babe, if I lost my Dad I could NOT go on.  If I lost Gadget I could NOT go on.  I don’t think you knew how much I needed you.  AND DESPITE HOW MUCH I NEEDED YOU YOU COULDN’T BE THERE FOR ME IN THE WAY I NEEDED YOU TO BE………………….

I’m gonna be feeling like crap tomorrow morning lol….

Nope still can’t feel my face.

I really hate that I fell for you and you ended up being…. the way you are.  A man child.  I’m sorry Lord but FUCK me.  Why, my good, kind, Lord can’t I find a MAN?  Lord, does it even matter to you if I’m dying inside?  Do you see it?  My whole body is numb.  I can’t feel my legs. It’s nice.

Babyyyy let’s get drunk together.  I never saw you drunk or out of control.  Except angry out of control.  Which was no fun :(  Don’t be mad at me anymore, k? I want to face plant on the sidewalk from a 50 story building.  God I know I fucked up…  YOU WEREN’T’ PERFECT EITHER THOUGH!!!!

Lord, I thought you told me I wouldn’t cry like this over Dennis again… But this is worse than the last time, so what’s up with that?  I’m so close to giving up on you Lord… but I WONT.  I want to blow my fucking brains out right now.  Dennis I’m just human.. I want to be loved too.  I’m not so cold or unfeeling like you think….. I’m just like everyone else.  I want to be loved and accepted.    We fell in love but maybe we were just the wrong two people to fall in love.  I hate saying that.  My heart says it’s SO right, but all of the other evidence says otherwise…

You know what I never even got to see YOU out of control emotional…  I wanted to see that and feel that too, ok?  I just want to be with a man who thinks I’m awesome even though I’m not perfect.  Did you ever like anything about me beyond the surface?  I’m not sure that you did… :(  There’s more to me but you never saw it.  I don’t show everything in the first month, the first year, the first five years.  Some things I never showed to my parents even.

I haven’t been this messed up over someone since my first boyfriend.  Let me tell you a secret… I was heartbroken over him for 9 years.  And then I met you.  And I forgot about him… COMPLETELY.  I thought you were the best thing I’ve ever had since him.

More tequila plz.  Maybe if I can’t feel my face I can’t feel my heart eventually.

you were special. you are special.

Life is fucked up you know?  The one person you need isn’t there  when you need him.  I wish you had really loved me and cared for me.  Love isn’t all fun and games you know?  It’s sticking with someone when they’re going through a hard time even if they can’t be themselves during that time.  Even if they can’t be nice or kind or loving during that time.  I guess too much happened to us too quickly and our relationship couldn’t keep up.

Maybe I’ll get lucky and fall down the stairs and snap my neck.

You say you want somebody that’s not a mess emotionally?  There isn’t anyone.  They don’t exist.  We’re all fucked up.  Even therapists.  So why wasn’t I enough?  Yeah I’m fucked up but we all are!  you are too, you just dont realize it.  I see it though.  I see it in all the t hings you *dont* say.

Got more tequila.

How much tequila can kill you?  I’m only on shot 4 so, don’t worry.

Is this really it for us?  Is this how it ends?  And now we just go on with our lives?

Hold my hand and let’s walk through Old Town again, past the comic book store to Los Cuates…..  It was only 2 months ago… just yesterday.  Just park your Jeep on the street… let’s go get some donuts together……… This isn’t how I want us to be… Apart and separate and living two different lives not together.  But I think this is what God wants and we have to do what God says.  It hurts me so much though.  I would prefer death to this.

Remember when we took the day off of work and went to that sandwich shop in DC?  It was raining.  And the sandwiches weren’t even that good lol.  Take me on another date to Founding Farmers in DC so I can spill my mimosa.  If I didn’t love you would I remember all these things?  Do you even know how much you hurt me when you would say that I didn’t care about you?  I cared.  I care.

I’m lonely.  There’s nobody here to hear me cry and scream….

I keep playing King City over and over.  It just makes me feel that much closer to you right now.  It sparks my memory and makes me remember more things that we did together.  Like that BBQ restaurant in that ghetto area of DC.  And you wanted to go to a park and eat it… and I didn’t :(  I’m sorry, I should have said “yeah! let’s go to the park!”.  I was dumb… I didn’t see you trying.  I can be selfish.  i can be oblivious.  I can be mean and rude.  But, I loved you then and I love you now.

I guess someday life will go on, but for now I’m stuck.

From walking home and talking loads
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch and getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you
But now we’re sleeping at the edge
Holding something we don’t need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees
So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me
Everything’s that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me
And I’ll be me
From throwing clothes across the floor
To teeth and claws and slamming doors at you
If this is all we’re living for
Why are we doing it, doing it, doing it anymore
I used to recognize myself
It’s funny how reflections change
When we’re becoming something else
I think it’s time to walk away

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

Everything’s that’s broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me

And I’ll be me

Trying to fit your hand inside of mine
When we know it just don’t belong
There’s no force on earth
Could make me feel right, no

God is Amazing!

Yesterday I wrote in my journal to God that I wanted to feel His love for me beyond just an intellectual knowledge.  I wanted to FEEL it.  And today, I felt it.  Unexpectedly, in the middle of the day at home I just felt an overwhelming gratefulness to Him for everything that hes done for me and given to me without me doing anything at all to earn it.  Everything looked different and seemed different and all I could do was cry and cry and thank Him over and over.  He has blessed me so much, I can’t even count the ways.  There are too many!  I am truly loved by God!  I don’t deserve an ounce of His love, but I have it anyway.  I am so blessed!!!  All I could do (and can do now) is thank Him over and over and over unceasingly.  It just blows my mind the things He has done for me and all the ways He has blessed me.  It makes my head spin.

Lately, I feel like God is frequently answering my prayers, especially when they have to do with learning about Him.  It’s an incredible feeling.

This Week

So, Sunday was a difficult day and I ended up crying all night and into Monday morning.  By the time it was time to get up for work, I was too tired and headachey from crying so much so I called out sick.

On Tuesday, I met up with Paulette for lunch.  I told her about breaking up with Dennis and for some reason after our conversation, I just feel different about my whole relationship with Dennis.  For some reason, it made me really realize that he was taking advantage of me and wasn’t being a good partner at all.  I just didn’t really realize it or understand that that was what was happening until after meeting with Paulette.  I feel kind of stupid and naive for letting it happen.  But, it makes me miss him less and makes me feel quite sure that he’s not right for me.  My friend’s boyfriends/husbands don’t do this to them, so why do I deserve to be treated that way?  I deserve to be treated just as well as them.  I am just scared that I won’t find this person and that I’m going to end up getting into another unsustainable relationship.  I feel like I’m almost ready to start dating again, but I don’t want to get into another bad relationship.

Today is Friday.  After I get off of work at 4, I’m heading up to PA to visit my Dad for the weekend.  I’m taking both dogs.  I hate driving up to PA.  It’s such a long drive and I’m already feeling tired…

I got a notification in the mail that the taxes and insurance calculated for 2015 was less than what was actually needed so my monthly mortgage/insurance/taxes payment is going up by $100/month starting in April.  Ugh, it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it.  I’m probably going to have to get a renter for the extra bedroom to help me pay for everything.  It sucks to think about having to share the house with a stranger, but the extra money makes me feel excited.  I’d be able to live normally again, like I was living before buying this house.  I’d have enough extra money to live comfortably again.  I could save up to buy a new roof in less than a year.  I could then think of saving up for a car, maybe or a vacation or whatever.  I could afford to go out with friends more often and I wouldn’t have to be counting my pennies every month.  Before taking in a renter, though, I want to move my desk and “home office” down into the basement, that way the place where I spend most of my time will be more private and it will open up the living room and make it look nicer and more spacious.  It’s scary, but I kind of have a good feeling about it anyway.

Wow

Yesterday I got hit with something I never expected from Dennis.  He texted me last night and see outright that I wasn’t there for him when he needed me.  I was so blown away, I couldn’t believe he would say that after everything I told him, after living with me for like 9 months, I just couldn’t believe it.  I was so angry I was shaking.  I could barely contain myself.  He told me that he wanted someone that would understand that he’s tired after giving his all at work all day and that would fix him something to take for lunch and things like that.  Which also blows my mind.  #1 He’s 29 about to be 30 and he makes half of what I make as far as salary, but I’m supposed to be sympathetic to HIM with HIS precious little job.  He’s going nuts giving his all at work and I’m supposed to be sympathetic to him not having anymore to give around the house??  Come on.  #2 I WAS taking care of everything around the house.  I was paying for the ENTIRE mortgage.  I was making dinner for us every week night.  I was doing all of the DIY stuff around the house like painting and small fix-its  I was paying for ALL of the larger repairs and plumbers and dealing with the repairs 100% myself – i.e. making the calls, staying home from work to let them in, finding the best price, etc.  And after all that King Dennis expects me to want to baby him and make him lunch??????

Then he tells me he doesn’t like to always be busy.  When he comes home from work he just wants to relax.  WELL DON’T WE ALL, PRECIOUS?!?!?  I want to come home and relax too, but there are chores to do and bills to pay.  And with basically only MY income supporting us, I was also trying to make extra money online by selling things and doing small jobs.

Even after sleeping on it overnight, I’m still furious.

I’m also super sad.  I thought he just didn’t understand what he was doing.  I thought after I explained everything to him, he’d change.  And I thought he was sorry, because he apologized.  But, then he says things like this which make me think that nothing has changed.  He didn’t misunderstand anything, that’s just how he is.  I just feel like an idiot for not seeing this in him sooner.  I feel like I totally misunderstood him from the beginning.  In the beginning, I truly thought he’d be the one I ended up marrying and spending my life with.  But, I just had the wrong idea about him.  And it sucks, because I still feel love for him and I still feel like… we almost could fix this?  I miss him – the good him.  The times when he was actually a good boyfriend and was sweet and loving.  He just doesn’t understand that a relationship requires more than just being sweet and loving.  You can be sweet and loving but then turn around and take advantage of them too.  I don’t even know what to think now.  Two days ago, I was trying to get him back.  But, now… I can’t put up with this kind of behavior…

And let me tell you, he’s so broke right now even if we did get back together, I don’t think he’d even want to spend the gas money to come see me.  Ugh, I feel like the carpet has been pulled out from under me.  I don’t know what to think or do now.  So sad… just so, so, so sad.

I feel worthless.  After going through all that, he still doesn’t love me.  He still doesn’t really want to be with me.  He still doesn’t see the good in me and thinks I’m selfish, money-hungry, unloving and uncaring.  I feel like there’s a hole in my heart.  Honestly, I really loved him.  Even after everything I still loved him and I wanted him to see that and do better.  But, he’s not going to.  He can’t see it.  I feel like my heart is breaking all over again for like the 4th time.

Ouch :(

So, yesterday, after praying for guidance and talking with my friend John, I decided to just tell Dennis how I felt and that I was open to getting back together again if he could be ok with just maybes when it comes to children in our future.  He responded but not very positively.  He basically said he loved me and thought our relationship started out great but ended poorly.  He said he never felt like we had the kind of relationship where we’d do anything for the other person and that we should have been farther along in the relationship when we broke up.  He also said he wasn’t ok with maybes.  So, I don’t know…  that just seems like he’s not that into it.  Or that he has too many reservations about me.

It sucked.  I responded to him and said that he could take time to think about it, but I didn’t want to be the only one who wanted to try again.  And that it sucked that I said that I wanted to try again and he came back with more reasons not to than reasons to try again.  I feel awful and stupid and rejected (again) and dejected and alone again.  I thought he loved me, but I guess not enough to get past those things.  And he never responded to my last 4 texts.  He could at least say “ok” or “let me think about this and i’ll get back to you”.  But no, nothing.  Why text me and tell me that he misses me and that he keeps rereading my emails and letters and that it felt so good to hear how much I loved him and how I felt about him….if he didn’t want to revisit us?

What is so wrong with me that nobody wants me?

Not sure how to deal with all this.  Feeling kind of numb again… And in a fog.

Blast From the Past

Today was not as great as yesterday was, but it was still ok.  Dave (from CGI) IM’ed me this morning and we chatted a little throughout the day.  He said that he wanted to go out to dinner with me and introduce me to his fiance.  I kind of suspect he wants to show off his fiance because he hasn’t asked to hang out with me for over a year and coincidentally (or not so coincidentally), I told him that my ex and I broke up today.  And surprise, not even an hour later he says we should hang out lol.  Smh.

Admittedly, I am jealous of him.  He was dating her for such a short period of time and already they’re engaged.  I didn’t think he’d beat me to being engaged.  And now I’m single again.

I keep trying to tel myself that things will be completely different and much better in 1 year.  One year isn’t that long.  But, it seems like an eternity when you’re in pain :(

I’ve been thinking about a dream I had a few months ago about my Mom and what it might mean.  I still can’t figure it out though.  Mom was driving me in her old purple Dodge Neon.  In the dream, I knew she was dead.  I leaned my head against her shoulder and held her hand and cried and asked her why she had to leave.  She didn’t say anything, but just looked at me and looked away like she was about to cry.  That’s it.  I didn’t think much about it when it happened, but after yesterday and talking to Mudasser about the significance of his dad’s dreams, I’m wondering if my Mom wasn’t visiting me in the dream.  Though I desperately wish she had said something to give me a clue as to what it was all about.  For some reason, I get the feeling that she wanted to tell me something, but was too upset to tell me.  But, I can’t figure out or understand why.  Maybe she visited me too soon and was still too upset about her own departure to talk to me?  I don’t know.

I responded to Dennis’ texts this morning.  I said that I think about him constantly but I don’t understand what he wants or feels now.  Then I asked him why he didn’t respond to my emails.  It’s been all day and he hasn’t responded yet either via text or email.  I wonder if he will…  A part of me wants him to ask me to get back together.  But, a part of me also doesn’t want that.  A part of me thinks that maybe now that he knows how I really feel about everything, he will make a change and be different.  But, a part of me also thinks that he wouldn’t change and he’d just be the same guy.  Who knows, maybe I’d be the same person this time around too.  At this point, I feel like he doesn’t really, truly desire to be with me anymore.  And that makes me really sad and also makes me not want to get back together with him. I want to be with someone who really, really wants me.  I just worry that nobody else will come along and really, really want me.  I worry that Dennis will be my last shot or my best shot.

I woke up really late this morning for some reason.  I only remember my alarm going off 3 times before I woke up which should have made it only around 6:00am, but when I checked my phone it was almost 7:30am!  I was nearly an hour and a half late to work.  I must have slept through the alarm a few times which is really strange for me.  I’m such a light sleeper.  And then all day I was feeling groggy, kind of like I was medicated.  Or that I had skipped a medicine that I needed.  It was weird.

Ahh I see what happened.  I accidentally turned my 5:30am alarm off and only had the 7:00am alarm on.  That explains it lol.