Over the past few months, I’ve begun to realize and really internalize the fact that people do not genuinely care for anyone else but themselves. It may sound naive but I genuinely believed what the movies and fairy tales were telling me: someday I, too, would find my prince charming and we’d live happily ever after and my life could really begin at that time. Writing that out seems so incredibly childish and dumb. But, it was a lie that I didn’t even know I was believing until recently.
And as I continue to date Dave – or whatever it is that we’re doing – I just realize that love and a happy relationship and marriage are not the norm. It’s more of a rarity. And I don’t think I am going to be one of the lucky few who gets to experience it. I have a hard time experiencing real connection with anyone really. Even friends. I’ve been pulling away from them recently anyway because I’m having a crisis of faith of some sort and all my friends are Christian. I don’t think they would understand my point of view right now, or where I’m coming from with all of my doubts. And so I’m avoiding them.
The thing about God is that I really truly don’t know that one exists. But, if he doesn’t exist, my life (and all of our lives) don’t have much meaning, do they? We live, have our little jobs, achieve some small successes at work, have some friends and lovers and we all die. It all comes to an end. And so our lives served what purpose exactly? In two generations, we will be forgotten (unless you are a very rare famous person).
When you go through some shit, and you dare to tell a friend or family member about it… they may say they care and really try to empathize. But, you know that as soon as the conversation is over, they’re off in their own world thinking about their own lives and situations. By the time the next day arrives, they have probably forgotten the conversation you’ve had with them. It could be the most significant and traumatic event in your life that you just shared with them, and it barely stayed with them for a few minutes/hours. We are all in this life completely alone. Some people find that to be very freeing – complete freedom from responsibility, maybe. But, I find it hopeless and desolate. I really crave deep connection with someone. I really desire that “soulmate” kind of relationship with someone. I don’t even care if it’s just a friend or female or male. Just someone that really gets me and I get them and we just have some kid of symbiosis.
Today, Dave and I were supposed to work from home together. But, at some point, his manager said he had to come into the office today instead. Which is fine. I understand that and I wouldn’t expect him to risk his job or relationship with his manager to insist on working from home. What I didn’t like was that he didn’t directly tell me “oh my manager called me and said I had to come in to work today”. He just ignored the fact that we had these plans, went to work without telling me. and then when I reached out to say good morning to him, he made some offhanded complaint about traffic while driving to work. Instead of telling me that he had to work directly, he made some indirect comment about the traffic of which I suppose he thought I should infer all of the other details. That bothered me and I told him right away that he should’ve told me directly. And then he just shut down for the rest of the day and we’re barely talking. Maybe I’m overreacting, but that was just so inconsiderate and selfish. I feel like he just assumes I don’t even need to be notified of his change of plans because his life takes priority and he doesn’t care how it affects me. He also never apologized or even indicated that he understood where I was coming from. It seems like he just shuts down. Which, infuriatingly, is the typical male response I seem to encounter in relationships. Avoid the issue, don’t talk about it, sulk in silence for a while, and hopefully never talk about it ever ever again. DearDiary world, I’m going to say it now, I don’t trust Dave. He consistently just does whatever he wants to do and leaves me to deal with the results.
God, I just want a good, kind man. Are there any left for me?
My friend Amanda is getting engaged soon and will be getting married in 1 year. And Kaitlin got married last year. And Lauren recently got married. And I am straight up jealous. I am happy for them. But, I feel like I should be able to have the same thing. But, I’m 34 years old now and I can’t seem to find anyone. The one person in my life who I was 1500000% sure I wanted to marry and spend my life with left me over a decade ago and has since married someone else and had a kid. That just takes a little part of my soul and smashes it. And life seems all the more cold and random and desolate and lonely. I may never find someone and that’s just it. The universe doesn’t care. Friends, family, coworkers, etc don’t care. Don’t REALLY care. They may say “oh that’s awful”, but does it affect their lives? No. I could die tomorrow and nobody would notice for at least a week. I just keep wondering what the heck I’m sticking around this life for. There’s nothing here that brings me joy or satisfaction. I don’t know what to do about it. I might as well be living by myself on a distant planet thousands of light years away from earth – that’s how far removed from society I feel.
So many people just want to be loved, but so few actually get it. We want love from our parents, our families, our friends, our significant others, but we are so often let down and betrayed by them. There’s no satisfaction of the desire for love. Every year… year after year after year… I have one relationship after another only to get brokenhearted over and over. I don’t think real love or marriage is ever going to happen for me. I think all I’m going to end up with is more of the same crap…