Date with Brandon tonight. Was blah. 3rd blah date in a row in 2 weeks. I’m done. I’ve tried everything I could and I’m just done. The universe has made it clear to me now. I’m not meant to be part of a couple. It’s just over. It’s never going to happen for me. I have to figure out how to accept it.
The problem is, I don’t believe life is worth living if I have to spend it being this lonely.
Last night, N sent me a text in the middle of the night saying that he missed me a lot and really wanted to see me. But, we’ve already talked about why we haven’t seen each other – he’s got his daughter with him full-time and he is also in between jobs and doesn’t want to be “that guy”. But, it’s been over 3 weeks now, I think. And I’m really not sure how I’m supposed to be dealing with this. Should I be waiting for him? Or should I just live my life as if there’s no way we could ever get back together? I am kind of hurt that he hasn’t made some kind of effort to see me even for a little while… I feel like that should be doable even in his current situation.
I took Vyvanse and Trintellix and an adderall today and I still have no energy or motivation. I just feel so sad.. Sad about N. And sad that it’s probably not going to work between us anyway, no matter what. What is most important in love and a lasting relationship? Compatibility and mutual respect… or a solid friendship base? N and I don’t have both. I really like how N treats me, and how he wants to take care of me. But sometimes he’s overwhelming. And I don’t think he makes enough of an effort to get to know me as a person. My likes, dislikes, interests, passions…. And then there’s the big wrench thrown into the machine of his ex wife and daughter and all of the lies. Logically, it would probably be smart of me to leave him alone forever. But, a part of my stupid heart thinks he might somehow provide me with a good life anyway. I would be loved, pretty much unconditionally. But, even that love feels strange and mysterious and not based upon anything he knows about me. Maybe this really is a case of lust. How long will it take for the lust to wear off? Then I could finally see who he really is.
I did some ebay stuff. Added listings to posh and mercari as well. But, i worked in a pretty unenthusiastic way lol
Not looking forward to going into work tomorrow
Ohhh what will this week bring? Let’s find out!
Oh yeah, P.S. I have not been invited to Avery’s wedding, unless my invitation got lost in the mail or online somewhere. And it’s apparently going to be next month. Kind of bummed about that… but it makes sense. We haven’t really hung out in 6 months or so.