Lonely

Yeah… I’m just lonely. Really lonely today.  I am really struggling to find happiness or even to just be ok. I think the only way I can feel any type of motivation or… anything other than just blah and numb is when I take medication (adderall or vyvanse).  Is that really a life worth living?  I’m ashamed of myself and who I am, I think that’s what it basically comes down to.  I’m not the type of person I want to be.  I don’t look as young anymore and I’m putting on weight and I feel unable to control myself when it comes to food.  I KNOWINGLY overate tonight.  Even though I planned all day to eat only a small dinner, I couldn’t stop myself from eating too much and then having two desserts.  I don’t have self control.  I don’t have motivation.  I don’t have persistence.  I am useless, like a lump.

A new week has begun

Happy Monday.  A new week has begun.

I had the condo in Reston inspected over the weekend, on Saturday.  It went well, mostly.  But the HVAC is about 60 years old and triple it’s expected lifespan.  But, apparently the condo association will take care of that.  I hope they do, because it was not really functional during the home inspection.

I had two dates this weekend.  I met a guy named Vatana on Saturday and a guy named Richard on Sunday.  It went ok with both of them, I had a nice time with them both.  But I don’t think I’d see either one again.  I think Richard felt the same way about me because he hasn’t texted or anything since yesterday lol.  Which is fine.  I’m only a little offended lol.  And Vatana has only texted a few times since Saturday… so I don’t think he’s very interested either.  Yeah…

I’ve been thinking about giving N a third shot.  He still texts me everyday and apologizes a lot and says he loves me.  I’m not sure how I feel about him or a possibility of a future together, what with his ex being so persistent…

I think I’m pretty much over P.  I think I made it clear to him last week that I still had feelings for him, and he did not reciprocate, and that’s fine.  It’s not meant to be and I’m ok with that now.  Do I want to hear about his successes in dating?  No.  But, I’m at least no longer agonizing about “what if he still actually likes me?”

Things were actually pretty good at work today.  I shadowed little Anthony today as he helped me resolve issues with the GF1 system.  I actually solved a problem we had with not being able to log into the IPMI with the default username and password.  So that was quite exhilarating.

I really don’t know if this love thing is ever going to happen for me.  I think I’ve gone on too many dates at this point.  Talked to too many men online.  Been ghosted too much.  Ghosted others too much.  It doesn’t work.  Nothing I try works.  Yeah… I’m pretty sad about that… my heart hurts.  There’s a really deep seated hopelessness in my soul that has been reinforced over and over and over.  I don’t know what else to do from here.

It’s Forever Over with P

Even though I had decided not to say anything to P about how I felt, I slipped anyway.  I think it makes me feel more sure knowing where he stands even if it hurts more.  Anyway, this morning he asked me if I was staying positive. And I just said no, I wasn’t because I was still sad over him.  And he basically told me to stay positive anyway and gave me happy faces and a thumbs up.  And that was all.  🙁  So, that says everything.  There’s no chance of reconciling with him or starting over or trying again.

That’s that.  And that sucks.

Today’s Reflections

Long boring day at work.  My manager and his wife had their identities stolen so they’re going through a difficult time right now.  Steve was telling me about it at work.  Then I told him that N and I aren’t together anymore.  He told me to keep my chin up.

I talked with Jawn about whether or not I should tell P that I still like him.  He said it wasn’t a good idea and the outcome wouldn’t lead to a good relationship whether or not he did reciprocate my feelings.  I think he’s probably right.  It’s just really sad to let that opportunity go…. :””'(  So many tears.  I regret my choice.

Been trying to meet people on CMB.  It’s been challenging to get a good conversation going with anyone so far.  It’s disappointing each time.

Dad is planning to come here to visit me for the 4th of July weekend.  Not really looking forward to that…

Next week I have two BC demos scheduled.  Neither system has been hooked up yet.  Once they’re hooked up, I think it’s going to end up being chaos for me until the demos next week.

1

Life is such a lonely thing.  We all go through it alone.  Step by step, day by day.  It’s all alone.  Real love is so rare… why would I think that I would ever find it for myself?  Literally impossible.  And so I have to ask myself, what is the point of living if this is the case?

I don’t want to spend my life alone.  But, it’s everyone’s fate.  Why do any of us agree to do this?  How can life have meaning at all if this is the case?

Another Disappointment

Went to see 4 condos today with Cathy.  Most of them were crappy and trashy.  One of them was really nice though.  Well kept and clean and modern.  The asking price was good, but the condo fees were over $450/month so I don’t know if I’m interested 🙁

I’m also just having a lot of trouble even getting into this condo search.  I’m depressed in the first place…. and it’s always so disappointing to see all the trashy, gross places that are up for sale in my price range.

I’m back on CMB.  I chatted with one guy named Henry last night and today, but I ended it when I found out he had 2 kids.  Disappointing…  Really starting to believe that there’s no one out there for me.  Wish it had worked out with P.  I’m an idiot 🙁  I probably won’t ever say anything to him.  I’m too scared.  And I’m getting vibes from him like he’s not interested anyway… Really wish I was dead.  I’m tired of trying to find happiness in this world and failing over and over.

Analyze?

Just got back from Detective Pikachu with Molly.  It was a cute movie.  But, all the medications I’m taking now made me tired and I felt like I wasn’t being a very good conversationalist with Molly.  In the end, I was anxious to leave and come back home to be alone.

I wonder if I keep suffering the same hurts because I’m not analyzing myself enough?  How do I analyze myself and my thoughts and actions more?  And in a useful way?  Or am I over-analyzing??  I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking about decisions and worrying about things, but I still find myself repeating mistakes and nearly constantly sad and depressed.  I can’t really pinpoint what it is that keeps me from being able to have a good relationship.  I wish I could.

Saturday

I’m about to head out to meet Molly to see Detective Pikachu in the theater.  Not really looking forward to the movie or anything, but I just wanted to get out of the house and force myself to not think about all the regrets and heartbreak I’m going through right now.

I’ve been going back and forth a lot this week in my mind about whether or not I should tell P how I feel about him and let him decide what we should do next.  Or just don’t say anything and do my best to maintain contact with him and possibly be there if/when it doesn’t work out with this girl he’s seeing.  Or if I should just let our text conversations slowly dissolve until we stop talking to each other, and just let it be.  I’m super impatient and I really just want to know what he thinks so I can either focus my energy on him… or on getting over him.  But, I think he’s a bit more sensitive and reserved and I think it might turn him off if I told him how I felt now, now that he’s made it clear he’s seeing someone else.  Even though he DID kind of do the same thing with me when I started seeing N…. what to do??  Maybe I’ll ask Molly today.

Going to see some condos/townhouses tomorrow with Cathy.  I’m totally not into buying a house right now.  But, I’ll keep going through the motions.  I honestly don’t know what I want anymore.

This Week

I don’t know how I made it through this week.  I’ve been so depressed about N and P that I can barely function!  Thankfully, it’s been a very quiet week at work and everybody has mostly left me alone.  And Shane has been out from Wednesday through Friday, so I haven’t had to constantly be focused on some type of work.  I’m thankful for that.  I really am.  All I really had to do all week was update the PAT document.

Today, I asked P if he had another date set up with the girl he met on Match and he said they just saw each other last night and will probably see each other next week.  I feel really sad and jealous.  He did not want to see me that frequently 🙁  It hurts 🙁

I wish it was easier to trust N now.  Now that I know he’s lied about something so big. And even if I could get past the lies… I’d still have to deal with his ex harassing me and his daughter visiting sometimes.  I never wanted that part.  That’s why divorced men and men with children have become dealbreakers for me.  No matter what I do, it’s going to hurt a lot.

Dear Self,

Dear Self,

I know it’s been a challenging week.  Things didn’t turn out the way you hoped with Namo or Pao, and it’s disappointing.  But, you’ve been through this before.  You’ve been through much worse, actually.  You’ve been dumped harshly before.  You’ve been lied to before.  You’ve been ignored before.  And you’ve come out of it stronger.

You are a strong person and this is only a blip on the timeline that is your life.  Remember that only a few months ago you broke your wrist and you got through that all on your own!  You’ve been living on your own for 13 years now, not dependent on anyone.  You were purposely single for over a year!  You’re a very strong and capable woman.  Men have come and gone in your life and they will continue to.  Do not think that this is the end, because it isn’t!  It’s the beginning of a new chapter.

Remember that only 4 months ago, you were lonely and hadn’t yet met either N or P?  And now you know that there are actually really nice, decent guys out there that are interested in you (minus the whole lying about the ex-wife and kids thing lol :P)

Self, this is not going to last forever.  In one month’s time, you will be in a completely different mindset.  Things will probably be much better by then.  Go on, I dare you.  Check back in in one month and see how you feel!

Love,
Me from June 2019